Top Ten Ways to Hide Your Phone From Your Teacher
Those rotten teachers are at it again. Being the completely preposterous windbags that they are, they are now demanding that you put your phone away during class and learn something. No matter how many times you explain to your teacher that your phone has been ruled a basic human right by the Hague Court, those idiotic teachers keep confiscating it! What's up with that? Look, we all know that teachers are terrible people who have no lives and simply want to ruin your day. They get off on it; it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? Why else would they constantly bug you about taking off your hat, getting to class on time, completing your homework, bringing your materials, dressing appropriately and constantly rambling on and on about "a future?" Yawnsville! But what really takes the cake are all these conservative downers constantly yelling at you to put away your I-phone. They don’t understand that you have to post those pictures, update your status, pin, tweet about a fight or bully that little jerk Dave. What a bunch of morons.
However, perhaps the problem is that you just aren’t good enough at hiding your phone while in the classroom. So here are the top ten methods to hide your phone from those annoying teachers.
10. The Sleeve
Text in your hoody sleeve. This is an easy one, and you’re probably quite good at it by now, but just in case, here’s how it works. Just cross your arms on your desk, and pretend you are tired. You probably don’t even have to pretend! Lay your head down and slip your phone up into the sleeve, against your arm. Now you can feel for the vibrations when you get a text and when the teacher isn’t looking, just push up the sleeve a little and quickly text back. That’s all there is to it.
09. Body Block
Text behind a buddy. If you’ve got a big friend, use him for more than just protection. Use that big guy’s massive frame to block your teacher’s line of sight. Have a pre-arranged signal so that when you need a little privacy, he takes a big breath, blows up his chest and stretches. The more muscles he flexes and the larger he gets will keep any snooping teacher from catching you. By the time your teacher waddles up to your desk, that bulky boy has already kept them from seeing you slip your phone back in your pocket. Done and done!
08. In The Dark
Text in your purse or bookbag. This is a classic, and every good phone user knows it. Just keep your purse or backpack on your desk, the open end toward you. You can rest your phone on a book, a compact or your lipstick and continue to read your texts the entire time your teacher is droning on about something or another. Anytime a teacher calls you out on it, all you have to do is pull out that book, some lipstick or some hygienic product. That will stop them dead in their tracks. It’s technically lying, but who cares, your best friend Suzie just got a date to prom and you had to know! Not one single thing in this class is more important than that!
07. The Fake Read
Text behind your book. That’s right. Just prop open your book anytime you have independent reading and update that facebook status. Your teacher’s generation used to hide comic books in their textbooks, so why can’t you deploy the same methods? By the way, the bigger the book the better, as a larger book can help hide your hand movements. Unfortunately, you still need those thumbs of yours to text, and teachers can recognize that twitchy movement from a mile away. But hey, nothing is more important than learning what KanyeKim just tweeted!
06. In The Hat
This method is great when you have to do some work. Similar to texting while your phone is in your backpack or a purse, this one is much more subtle because your hat creates a smaller, less noticeable diversion. Simply leave your had upside down on your desk and just place your phone at the bottom of your hat. No one will be the wiser. It will appear as if you are listening to the teacher or working, but you'll be ready for that all important reply to that rant you made about that dude who looked at your girl. O no he won't!
05. At Arm's Length
Text at your side. This is widely used, so most teachers know of it, but it’s the best one for checking a facebook status because you can see your screen the clearest. You have to practice, however, as your look often gives it away. That stretched face and squinting eye is not only alarming and ugly, but it’s a major giveaway. Be smooth, whip out that phone and take a quick look and slip it right back into your pocket. Nobody saw a thing ... smoooooth!
04. Body Parts
Text in your lap with one leg crossed. Simply cross one leg under your desk and put the phone on your lap, away from the ole bore. You’ve got two built in advantages here; a shelf to hold your phone by itself and a wall to block a view. Moreover, because your hands are free most of the time, the teacher never even sees it. Pretty slick, Rick!
03. Who Cares?
Text right out in the open. This one works relatively well, actually. Just adopt the right attitude, angry yet nonchalant, moody and defiant. Don’t hide it, just stick that phone out right on your desk and start texting, disregarding everything that is going on around you. When your teacher looks your way, bounce your head around a little bit and start a slight sneer with a slightly trembling quiver in your upper lip. If your teacher actually has the gall to say anything, just glare at her and put your phone away. Don’t show any other emotion than complete hatred. That should stop them directly! Jerk.
02. The (Not-So) Obvious
Text under the desk. It's a little beneath your dignity, but hey, the "ole classic" works, especially in a crowded classroom setting. Just pull that bad boy out, slip it under your desk and text your girlfriend about tonight’s date, and quickly put it away. You're done, the text was sent, and your teacher is oblivious. L. O. L.
01. The Decoy
Text using two phones. This is the plan when you realize your teachers are just too old and slow. If, for some silly reason, you fail to employ any of the above nine methods and are silly enough to get caught, just slip that good phone into your pocket. When old grumpy pants who has no life demands you give up your phone, slip him that old one that doesn’t even work anymore. He’s too dumb to realize what you did and you can go right back to texting Marcus about how ugly Suzanne is. Classy!
But of course, if you get caught, you have to have a quick excuse. Teachers are too busy as it is, so if you can make up a good excuse, you'll probably be able to keep your phone for another day. Here are the top ten excuses to employ when you get caught with your phones. Feel free to employ any of them; they all work perfectly fine. After using any one of these excuses, only crazy teachers who are obviously out to get you would take up your phone. And if that's the case, it wouldn't matter anyway what the super important, life altering, emergency reason was why you had your phone out!
Top Ten Excuses When Caught Texting
10. (Point at the clock on the wall and say): "I’m just checking the time. I don’t know how to read one of those clocks."
09. "I forgot my lunch and I was just texting my Dad to bring me something."
08. "I was checking on my missing assignments on Gradespeed ... from your class!"
07. "I’m not texting! I’m playing a game."
06. "My Dad wants to know when to pick me up from school. You want me to leave, right?"
05. "My best friend is crying because her boyfriend just broke up with her ... again."
04. "I need a ride home, and I have to ask my friend."
03. "I’m just using the calculator."
02. "Class hasn’t even started yet. Dang, dude!"
01. "My Mom just texted me."
More by this Author
Here are the top ten pranks to pull on students. A great guide to make sure you stay out on top of your students and don't let them get the upper hand!