11 Vintage Food Ads Featuring Creepy, Soulless Children

Creepy, soulless children were all the rage in the mid-1900s. Think Shirley Temple, minus the cute. The scary kids in these vintage advertisements turn dinnertime into demon time and bath time into a bloodbath. These freaky vintage food ads are a "who’s who" of evil youngsters, and unless you prowl your mother’s attic on a regular basis, you would never have known about them. But now you do, and now you’ll never forget.

1. Trix Cereal Ad for Future Serial Killers

Before the Trix rabbit made his first appearance in 1959, this fruity cereal was pushed by young, demonic children with thick-eyebrowed mothers. At that time, Trix was more than 46% sugar, which might explain the lack of soul and those dead, malnourished eyes. The cute bows don’t fool us, little ones.

2. Swift Ham Ad Featuring Meat-Mad Ankle-Biter

This kid seems particularly excited about tonight’s ham, but what she really wants to do is crawl to the farm in the dead of night and gnaw on a live pig. And what the heck is that beside the ham? Raw chicken breasts and genetically modified peas? Yummy.

3. Du Pont Cellophane Ad (Baby Wants a Hand Sandwich)

If you look closely, you’ll notice that the child's eyes are fixated not on the toast, but on her mother’s deliciously fleshy hand. Even the futuristic cellophane-wrapped bread can’t distract this demon child from her cannibalistic thoughts.

4. Van Camp's Flesh n' Beans

Face warm from the glow of a roaring Boy Scout campfire, little Timmy enjoys a delicious can of pork, beans, and Scoutmaster Lou. Six grams of protein, sixty-four grams of evil.

5. Diamond Dyes Ad: Easy Death

Pretty sure the caption should have read, “It’s easy to die with Diamond dyes,” but whatever. Death is inferred by the vat of blood and the child’s abnormally small feet. The only thing saving this ad is that the kid is holding the cat by its scruff, not its tail. That means she’s only 98% evil, although her horrified mother probably thinks otherwise.

6. Canned Spaghetti Ad Featuring Frankenfreckle

By feeding their hideous child nothing but stale breadsticks and spaghetti from a can, Teddy’s parents hope to save up enough for a dream vacation to the headwaters of Mississippi. And if they have any cash left, they plan to buy braces for Teddy’s younger sister, Bonnie-Rae.

7. Daisy Gun Ad for a Gun Totin' Xmas

Remember that time you really, really, really wanted a bicycle for Christmas, but all you got was a stupid rifle? One that was too big but your mom said you’d “grow into it?” And then she forced you into a too-small Mountie outfit and made you pose with a man who wasn’t your father? Worst. Christmas. Ever.

8. Gillette Razor Ad: Baby's First Shave

Before you get all “this is dangerous, wtf ” and stuff, it’s not like this ad is selling straight razors. It’s for Gillette’s safety razors, which are apparently the same thing as a pacifier, but more useful. And look at him. He’s loving it. Not a drop of blood in sight.

9. Canada Dry's Ginger Nightmare

After breaking free from his chicken wire cage, Li’l Gingy put on a fresh turtleneck and went on a 15-day bender involving everything from wine to ginger ale to the blood of his neighbour’s dachshund. His parents still hate him.

10. Pear's Soap Ad Featuring Baby of Death

What’s that old saying? Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater? Whatever that means, it looks like someone’s parents did it anyway. And what’s this ad got to do with soap? Did the kid eat it and develop a hunger for internal organs? In three minutes, he’s going to crawl through your computer screen, like in The Ring. But with computers. And soap.

11. Cellophane Ad: Suffocation What?

This ad so wouldn’t fly in the 21st century. If you’re going to stuff babies in a welcome basket, at least give them air holes. Or get better looking babies.

Comments

David Trujillo Uribe from Medellin, Colombia on April 05, 2013:

Excellent hub! I was looking to something similar to my new hub "The Worst Ad Placements Ever!". Liked your funny comments for each ad. Something I´ll keep in mind for my next ones.

hecate-horus from Rowland Woods on November 13, 2011:

Yikes. I shouldn't have seen this before bedtime, especially the evil bean kid. (shutter)