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The Story of Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd

Read on to learn about the incredible story of Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd, his wife. They shared an intriguing story of commitment and love over many years. Pictured above is the childhood home of Mary Todd Lincoln in Lexington, Kentucky.

Read on to learn about the incredible story of Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd, his wife. They shared an intriguing story of commitment and love over many years. Pictured above is the childhood home of Mary Todd Lincoln in Lexington, Kentucky.

Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln

Who would think that two people battling mental illness could marry, love, and live successfully, with one of them becoming perhaps the greatest president in the history of the United States? This article discusses exactly this—the love story of Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.

Honest Abe remains revered for his integrity, stance on abolitionism, leadership during the Civil Wat, and ability to inspire and keep the country together through it all.

Mary Todd, a young socialite, born to wealth and political connections, was viewed, unfortunately, as a woman living in the shadow of madness. But she hadn’t always been that way.


A Privileged Childhood

Mary’s father, Robert Smith Todd, was a wealthy banker and slave owner. Her mother, Elizabeth Parker, died when Mary was six years old. She was educated and highly intellectual. Friends said she was kind and keen in conversation.

Mary spoke fluent French, and studied dance, drama, and literature. She was interested in politics and was, like her family, a Whig (a party during the Revolutionary period that supported the Revolution in opposition to the Democrats).

Two years after her mother’s death, her father married again. Because Mary disliked her stepmother, she moved to Springfield, Illinois, to live with her sister, Elizabeth, who married an influential Whig in the area, Ninian Edwards.


Mary's Madness?

Upon entering adulthood, Mary indulged in shopping sprees and entertained grandiose thoughts. She progressively became more nervous and impulsive yet remained the belle at parties, courted by young men with dreams of becoming lawyers and politicians and enchanting them ever further with her education, conversation, grace, humor, and intelligence. She was jolly, bright, and ambitious—the perfect wife for an aspiring young politician.

Lincoln became friends with Ninian and Elizabeth Edward and frequented the Sunday parties in their lavish mansion—parties that gathered the best-educated people in Springfield under one roof. At one of these parties, Lincoln met Mary, and by 1840, they announced their engagement.

But the somber side of Lincoln had doubts about the wide gap in their social stature. Lincoln also ruminated on their different dispositions. For example, while Mary loved parties where she clearly stood out, drawing the attention of others, Abe, a self-taught young lawyer, was moody, slow, and liked peaceful isolation. Mary grew up with luxury that he couldn’t provide. And so, he broke up with Mary Todd soon after.

However, Abe and Mary reconciled in 1842. He was 33 years old, and she was 23. They decided to marry right away. On November 4 that year, in the morning, Abe told an Episcopal minister that he wanted to marry Mary that same night in the minister’s home. After setting the appointment, he came across Ninian Edward and told him of the marriage. Ninian insisted the wedding should be in his home and asked for one more day so they could make preparations.

And so, the following day, some 30 relatives and friends were hastily gathered for the event. Abe asked James Harvey, 24, to be his best man on the wedding day.


Honest Abe Before Marriage

Lincoln suffered from depression most of his life. Scientists say that if a family member—a mother or sibling—has depression, then one has a biological predisposition to it as well.

Thomas and Nancy Hanks Lincoln, Abe’s parents, are believed to have battled melancholia (which today would be called clinical depression). Nancy Hanks Lincoln was almost always described as sad. John Hanks, her cousin, described her as a woman with “kindness, mildness, tenderness, sadness.”

Honest Abe’s father, Tom Lincoln, was a farmer and carpenter. Although he liked being with people and telling jokes, a neighbor said he often “got the blues” and grew somber. He dealt with his depression by roaming the fields and woods alone. People felt this strange side of him meant he was losing his mind.

There was also madness in the relatives on Abe’s father’s side. His uncle Mordecai Lincoln had mood swings, and Mordecai’s three sons also suffered from melancholia. One went from melancholia to mania, with a weak grasp of reality. He spent hours writing notes and letters that were suggestive of his madness.

What does it mean to be born with a predisposition towards a depressive personality? It means that someone is more likely to become depressive than most, depending on a painful life experience, especially from early childhood.

Abraham Lincoln’s only brother died in infancy. At age 9, an infectious disease killed Lincoln’s aunt, uncle, and mother. They all died within one week after falling ill.

From childhood, Lincoln was described as having a pervasive tension—perhaps due to his losses. At the same time, he found no support in his father. Their relationship was cool and unloving. And while his mother taught him letters and how to read, his father didn’t fund his education. As a result, instead of doing farm duties, he would read or write poems. Because of this, he was considered a dull and lazy boy. Many studies note that lower parental support in childhood equates with increased depressive symptoms in adulthood.

When he was 19, Lincoln’s sister, Sarah (whom he considered his bedrock), died while giving birth to a stillborn child. A neighbor said that when they told Abe about it, “He sat down in the door of the smoke house and buried his face in his hands. The tears slowly trickled from between his bony fingers, and his gaunt frame shook with sobs."

Permit a bit of context: In Lincoln’s time, one out of four infants usually died before reaching one year, so the deaths were not unusual. But Lincoln’s depression in response to the deaths was.

More context: Those born in the 19th century experienced a time of great cultural change, partly from quarrels between fathers and ambitious sons. This contention was the norm at that time.

And so, while Honest Abe was not a wounded child, he was very sensitive. He walked alone in the woods, studying and reading. He also spoke on behalf of animal rights, including an essay he wrote in school about when he saw his classmate, John Johnstone, smash a turtle's shell against a tree. He once told his stepsister that an ant’s life was as sweet to it as ours is to us.

At 21, Lincoln left home to settle in New Salem. He had no money or friends. But soon, the people at Salem came to like him very much. Community members spoke of his sunny, cheerful, and energetic personality.

In 1832 Lincoln volunteered in the Illinois militia during the Black Hawk War. He was elected captain of his first company but never saw war. Instead, he jokingly said, "I had a good many bloody struggles with the mosquitoes." Though Lincoln had no military experience when he was commander of his company, he was considered a strong, competent leader. The Black Hawk war also provided Lincoln with lasting political connections.


Cracks in Lincoln's Disposition

After his success in Black Hawk, Lincoln tipped into financial danger when he and a partner opened a store with items purchased on credit. The store failed, and Lincoln fell into depression once more. His friends landed him a job as New Salem's postmaster, and he had another job as a deputy surveyor. But his earnings were just enough to keep his head above water.

As his debts grew, he lost his surveying equipment, horse, chain, and compass. It was all put up for auction. Seeing Lincoln in despair, a friend bought the equipment and gave it back to him.

Abe Lincoln's first Berry-Lincoln store

Abe Lincoln's first Berry-Lincoln store

Lincoln's Great Depression

Abraham Lincoln fought clinical depression all his life. If he were alive today, his condition would be viewed as a political liability. And yet, it was his condition that gave him the tools to abolish slavery and keep the nation together.

Lincoln's Married Life

After Abe and Mary Todd got married on November 4, 1842, they proceeded to a rented room in the Globe Tavern. It was shoddy compared to the luxury that Mary was used to, but she never complained. In 1843 their first son, Robert Todd Lincoln, was born. The following year Mary’s father helped them purchase a small home of their own.

Mary gave birth again in 1846 to Edward. Because they couldn’t afford a maid, Mary cleaned, cooked, and cared for her two children. She sewed hers and her children’s clothes while a local tailor-made Lincoln’s suits.

This is the year when Mary started to show her temperament. She was exhausted and felt no support from her husband, who was either out on business or spent time at home, working. Despite this, their devotion to each other remained strong, and Mary was proud of her husband and supportive of his work.

Their eldest son, Robert, was the only child who survived until adulthood. He was a student at Harvard during his father's presidency. He said in his writings that he couldn't see his father for even 10 minutes. Their next son, William, died in 1850 while living in the White House. He was 11 years old. The youngest child, Thomas, lived until he was 18, then died of tuberculosis in 1871.

The White House in the time of Abraham Lincoln

The White House in the time of Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln's Presidency

As First Lady, Mary was both interesting and polarizing. She was ambitious and politically keen, the force that helped Lincoln become one of America's most admired presidents ever.

However, Mary grew unpopular as she became increasingly temperamental, moody, and delusional. She had constant headaches, a sour disposition, and was pale and unhealthy. In just four months, she purchased 400 pairs of gloves and refused to return them. She redecorated the White House and held many parties, which the public deemed wasteful. Honest Abe believed that Mary's strange ways were merely "hysterical" female problems, and he regularly defended her in public.

What Happened to Mary?

When Mary was six years old, her mother died. As earlier mentioned, in adulthood, she lost three sons. She also lost three half-brothers and a brother-in-law to the Civil War. Mary grew increasingly depressed and was then thrown to the ground in a carriage accident, hitting her head on a rock. According to her son, Robert, she was incapacitated for a month and never fully recovered from the injury. She became asocial, further stirring up public ire.

The press hounded her relentlessly, criticizing her gowns a calling her a hick. Her husband was constantly getting death threats regularly. In 1865 when John Wilkes Booth killed Lincoln in a theater, Mary sat beside her husband, holding his hand.

4"x3" slide depicting John Wilkes Booth leaning forward to shoot President Abraham Lincoln as he watches Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C. 14 April 1865.

4"x3" slide depicting John Wilkes Booth leaning forward to shoot President Abraham Lincoln as he watches Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C. 14 April 1865.

About Lincoln's Assassin

According to the book Lincoln's Sanctuary: Abraham Lincoln and the Soldier's Home by historian and writer Matthew Pinsker, John Wilkes Booth was an actor from Maryland whom Lincoln admired. Lincoln invited Booth to the White House several times, but the actor always avoided these meetings. He told friends privately, “I would rather meet a Negro."

On April 14, 1865, Booth shot Lincoln in the back of the head in Ford’s Theatre in Washington, DC. It was there, while watching the play, “My American Cousin” (in which Booth who played the lead role), that Booth killed him.


Love and Marriage

Lincoln is revered today for his unrelenting stand on the abolition of slavery. His wife, however, is hardly thought of. Most people probably know more about John Wilkes Booth than they do about Mary Todd.

And Lincoln's achievements overshadow one other thing: he proved that two people who are dealing with mental illness can love and live together in the long term, and that success is very much within the realm of possibility for people who are mentally ill.

Today, people still have preconceived notions and fears of mental illness. It is not a walk in the park, but this doesn't mean you can't change the world and make it better—and be in a loving marriage, too.

The Ordeal of Mary Todd Lincoln

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.


Mona Sabalones Gonzalez (author) from Philippines on July 02, 2020:

Dear Louise, it is very nice of you to visit and I'm happy to hear from you. I'm glad you enjoyed this article and that you found it interesting. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Louise Powles from Norfolk, England on July 02, 2020:

What an interesting article. I really enjoyed reading this, thankyou.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez (author) from Philippines on September 15, 2019:

You are so right, Flourish Anyway. There was enough tragedy for anybody to lose it. The enigma of surviving mental illness through it all is really very amazing.

FlourishAnyway from USA on September 15, 2019:

There was such deep suffering in the lives of everyday people — death during childbirth, war, rampant disease, etc. Given that these two were facing untreated mental illness (by today’s standards) and a lack of social support for large portions of their lives it’s surprising they were able to keep it together as much as they did.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez (author) from Philippines on September 14, 2019:

Thank you so much for your kind words, Paula. Lincoln was really a man of excellence, warts and all. He changed the world for the better and I personally think he is the greatest president the USA ever had.

Suzie from Carson City on September 14, 2019:

Mona...I enjoyed this very much. I have always been fascinated with Lincoln, his life, marriage and Presidency and am eager to read all that is written on this subject.

Thanks for this fine article. Peace, Paula

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez (author) from Philippines on September 14, 2019:

Dear Ms. Dora, I think you are always inspirational in everything you write. Thank you for saying that this article inspired you. True, like an arc there are degrees of mental illnesses, and some, I believe, were more manageable than others.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez (author) from Philippines on September 14, 2019:

Dear Eric thank you for your kind words. Yes, I have also heard that saying that there is a thin line between genius and insanity. Would you believe, I googled it just now and they don't say who the person is who first said this slogan? Have a wonderful day:).

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez (author) from Philippines on September 14, 2019:

Dear Mr. Bill, in the gift of articulation, you are truly unbeaten. And I agree with you, being that fly and having access to their conversations, the fly could then turn to a writer and write a book like no other. Thank you very much for the visit:)

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on September 14, 2019:

Theirs is a true love story of commitment, and powerful contribution to their world. They showed that mental disorders can be controllable. Thanks for writing their story which is unique, interesting and inspirational.

Eric Dierker from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on September 14, 2019:

Really interesting. I have always heard there is a general connection between brilliance and depression. At least in these cases for sure.

Great writing Mona

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on September 14, 2019:

I would love to have been a fly on the wall in their bedroom. I think the conversations heard there would have been fascinating and shocking. We are all such fragile creatures...even the giants in our history.