I've spent half a century writing for radio and print (mostly print). I hope to be still tapping the keys as I take my last breath.
The A to Z of Fortune Telling
For those who say they possess a special talent, the future can be foreseen in scores of different ways. The fact that they are all demonstrably rubbish does not deter millions from seeking the advice of those who claim to have sixth sense abilities.
What follows is an alphabet's worth of some of the weirdest predictive tools ever devised, all but one of which are used by those who profess to have the gift of clairvoyance.
The Ancient Greeks, who were pretty smart about a lot of things but hardly this one, would place an agate stone on the blade of an ax. The future could be divined depending on which way the stone fell. Others chucked the ax at a tree and the angle in which the handle pointed enabled clever people to foretell the future.
Here is another martial trick practiced in ancient cultures such as the Babylonians and Greeks. If faced with a difficult question, numerous answers would be written down, attached to arrows, and sent winging off. The arrow that landed farthest away was believed to deliver the correct answer. A shot in the dark?
Divination by studying the sprouting behaviour of an onion. One application out of many was for a woman to inscribe the names of two suitors on two onions; the one that sprouted first was deemed the best choice. There is no known connection between cromniomancy and the satirical website The Onion, although there should be.
The use of jewellery, usually rings, dangling from a thread, to find treasure or a missing person. This started in ancient Egypt and is still practiced today all over the world. Metal detectors and ground-penetrating radar work better, of course.
This involves poking about in the entrails of a dead animal to reveal omens. Often, this was used during wars, giving credence to the statement that military intelligence is an oxymoron.
6. Fortune Cookies
They don't taste very good and also don't offer a lot of predictions. As The Los Angeles Times notes, they dish up “aphorisms, or silly clichés, or small pieces of lame advice.” Example: Something noodle is about to happy.
This one is fun—a person spins around in a circle of letters and when they fall down from dizziness, they pick out a letter from spot at which they fell. They keep doing this until they spell out a prognostication. The same effect can be achieved by a night in a bar.
Divination by studying water ripples, waves, colour, and sounds. Not a lot of use in a desert.
A divination system used by the Yoruba people of West Africa. Instructions on important matters are believed to come from a deity of great wisdom.
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This is practiced in traditional Chinese religion. The answer to a question is given by throwing two crescent-shaped wooden blocks, called moon blocks, onto the ground. The answer, yes or no, depends on how the blocks fall. The gods, it seems, determine the result.
11. Kipper Cards
One of many divination methods that are supposed to reveal the unknowable future through the use of cards. It was invented in Germany in 1890 by a stationery business and then sold to another company. Under the second owner, an error was made in printing the cards so that two characters were transposed. This does create a tiny sliver of doubt on how accurate Kipper Cards might be.
Candles are an essential accessory for every fortune teller’s studio, along with crystal balls, colourful head scarves, hoop ear rings, and a machine for processing credit cards. So, lychnomancy involves placing three identical candles in a triangle and studying how the flames behave. Apparently, if all the flames go out at the same time, you are in very deep trouble.
Practitioners can foretell your destiny by studying your foolishness. “I can sense you will be a poorer person because you stupidly came here to have your future predicted.”
“The future, my dear, can be easily seen in your buttocks.” The reading of the rump might lead to predictions that turn out to be bummers.
This involves making prophecies by studying the characteristics of wine. “I predict that if I have five more glasses of this Pinot Sludge, I will be unable to determine the present.”
In 18th and 19th century England, practitioners slapped a rose petal on their hands and interpreted the resulting sound to indicate the nature of the client’s love life. Apparently, it doesn’t work so well with leaves from stinking corpse lilies or skunk cabbage.
The client randomly selects a passage of writing from a book, typically poetry, and the wizard interprets the future from that. This is part of an entire pantheon of predictions called bibliomancy.
This is the study of poop, either your own or that of an animal. The ancient Egyptians enlisted the services dung beetles in releasing the secrets trapped in a ball of feces. "Hmmmm . . . your future looks like a pile of s***.”
Everybody consulting a fortune teller is seeking information about money, love, or death, or all three. But why dispose of good coin when a block of Limburger might be at hand? Tyromancy is a belief in the predictive power of cheese. OcultWorld.com tells that this “was also used by young maidens in countryside villages to predict the names of their future husbands. They write the names of their prospective suitors on separate pieces of cheese and the one whose name was on the piece of cheese where moulds grew first was believed to be the ideal love mate.” Oh my gosh! Alice is going to marry Mouldy Maurice.
If we are going to study the divination powers of poo, it’s only natural that we also study pee. The ancient Romans take the blame for this and one of the criteria studied was flavour―Jumpin’ Jehosephat!
Here’s one that can’t be stuck on the ancient Greeks, Romans, or Egyptians. Let’s turn to Occult-world.com again for an explanation of videomancy: “There are many ways but the most simple is to turn on the TV, press a button channel at random and watch the first program that appears on the screen.” But that’s as far as the website goes. What if you land on Swamp People, or an infomercial about a vegetable chopper? You’re on you own for interpretation. But, here’s a little secret: It doesn’t matter what show you watch because it’s all hogwash.
22. Water Scrying
The moon was bound to turn up eventually and here it is. Stare at the reflection of the moon in water, called scrying, and the future will be revealed. Apparently, this was a favourite method of the reputed seer, Nostradamus. But his forecasts were written in such cryptic terms that they could be interpreted to mean anything, just like horoscopes that are, (what’s the word?) ah yes, bunkum.
Suppose you bump into a stranger, what does that mean? You’ll need an expert in xenomancy to tell you that it likely means diddly-squat, though it will probably cost you $50 for the expert reading.
One of the many forms of fortune telling done by observing water whether it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven or makes your feet wet because you’ve got a leaky boot.
The business of predicting destiny by observing the behaviour of animals. The Romans thought this could be achieved by watching chickens scratching in the farmyard. Babylonians threw a bucket of water over sleeping oxen and observed the reaction. Some African tribes thought ants were good prognosticators. Elsewhere, beetles, birds, and bats have been called upon to offer opinions about what the morrow brings.
- One website lists 182 ways in which the future can be foretold. These include trochomancy (wheel ruts or tracks), ceraunoscopy (thunder and lightning), alomancy (spilled salt), ichthyomancy (entrails of a fish). It can only be a matter of time before our made up quackomancy (duck mating calls) joins the list.
- Many of the methods listed above use the suffix “mancy.” This comes from the ancient Greek “manteia” meaning oracle or divination.
- According to the industrial research company IBISworld, the U.S. market for psychic readings clocked in at $2.2 billion for 2019. The company says “a long-term shift in consumer perceptions has underpinned growth as industry services are increasingly accepted among mainstream consumers.”
- “10 Weird Fortune-Telling Methods from History.” Mia Osborn, Listverse, December 5, 2016.
- “Methods of Divination and Fortune-Telling.” Lisa Boswell, divinationandfortunetelling.com. December 5, 2017.
- “Glossary of Divination Types & Techniques.” Paranormal Encyclopedia, undated.
- “Fortune-Telling: Fact, Fiction & Fantasy.” Benjamin Radford, Livescience.com, April 09, 2013.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2020 Rupert Taylor
Gilbert Arevalo from Hacienda Heights, California on January 29, 2021:
I thought it an amusing fun way to write about A-Z fortune telling, Rupert. And your sense of humor added to it.
Rupert Taylor (author) from Waterloo, Ontario, Canada on February 12, 2020:
Ralph Schwartz from Idaho Falls, Idaho on February 11, 2020:
This was a wonderfully humorous read ! Some of things people do are beyond words. Thanks for sharing !