Michael is a self-taught expert in human behavior. He enjoys writing and sharing his insights on the human condition.
I Grew Up Without a Father
The psychological effects of our childhood experiences can have an outsized impact on who we become later in life. Earlier today, I read an article that provoked what one might describe as a panic attack. As I read this very disturbing article about the psychological ramifications of growing up fatherless, it all just sunk in for me—that I was damaged. My state of mind was completely altered when I finished reading about the scientific studies on fatherless sons.
Unfortunately, I have personally experienced many of the psychological consequences mentioned in the article. Most alarming for me was this statement: "Growing up without a father could permanently alter the structure of the brain." Notice the word "permanently." Maybe I've had my head in the sand (or the clouds.) I already knew that children from single-parent families tend to have more difficulties in life, but hearing it framed with these words? I was devastated.
This is what I learned about the likely psychological effects of growing up without a father.
Growing up without a father could permanently alter the structure of the brain.
— Ben Spencer, The Daily Mail
The Effects of Growing Up Without a Dad
- More Likely to be Aggressive
- More Likely to Be Depressed
- More Likely to Have Low Self-Esteem
- More Likely to Do Poorly in Schools
- More Likely to Be Incarcerated and to Commit Suicide
- More Likely to Use Drugs
1. More Likely Likely to Be Aggressive
Psychological studies show that children growing up without fathers are more likely to be aggressive and quick to anger. I've always had a copious amount of anger—not just loud anger, but quiet anger, as well. For me personally, quiet anger is more insidious and volatile. Silent anger doesn't have a proper release valve, it just builds up like a growing monster, maturing right along with you. I've spent nearly all my life containing myself because I know it isn't particularly productive or acceptable to be outwardly angry.
Anger makes you think and act with stupidity, and that's just a bad way to release energy. Additionally, I have a greater chance of passing on my aggression to my children. Now I am forced to consider this if I ever decide to have a family. Do I really want to have children that are aggressive and prone to anger? Would I be doing the planet a favor by just letting it end with me? We all want to think or believe that we are in full control of our actions and goals—but are we really?
2. More Likely to Be Depressed
Teens growing up without a father are more susceptible to emotional distress. This is a hard subject for me to discuss because it forces me to recall very dark times in my life. I get bouts of depression that just seem to permeate every aspect of my life. My natural introversion magnifies the sense that I am alone in the world, and that no one can possibly understand what I am feeling.
Thankfully, I have always managed to pull through these bouts of depression. I attribute this to the ongoing support of my friends and their unrelenting efforts to help me restore balance in my life. I also remember high school teachers and college professors who went out of their way to urge me to apply myself and do better. In many ways, life is a team sport. Don't be afraid to lean on your teammates for emotional support and reassurance.
3. More Prone to Low Self-Esteem
The psychological effects of growing up without a father can lead to self-esteem issues. Over the course of my life, I've had very few conversations with my father. I always believed there must be a reason why my father wasn't ever there for me. I was introverted, and I never really opened myself up to others. I could never be myself with my friends or anyone in my social circle; I always carried the feeling that I was damaged or unwanted. Yet, I was lucky. I made healthy friendships that exposed me to a lot of positivity and optimism.
For a teen looking forward to college, I was also fortunate that I never had trouble dating. The women I've dated and had steady relationships with have taught me a lot about how to be a gentleman, and how to treat a woman with the utmost respect. Today, I feel good about myself; I'm content with not being perfect. Concurrent psychological effects have a way of compounding one another; the key is to be more self aware and battle your demons head-on.
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4. More Likely to Do Poorly in School
Growing up without a father can affect your education. During high school, I did just enough to get by and get into a decent college. I'm embarrassed to say that so far I've dropped out of two colleges due to lack of effort and motivation. I've never felt good about this—I've robbed my mother of the pride and happiness of seeing her eldest son walk across a stage with a college degree.
I can't go back and make things right, but I hope one day I will be able to achieve some success that will give my mother some assurance of my worth as a son. The negative psychological effects of being raised in a one-parent household can hold you back in life, but you still have a choice—sink or swim. It's entirely up to you.
5. More Likely to Be Incarcerated and Commit Suicide
Even when factors such as income, race, and parent involvement were held constant, fatherless children—especially boys—are twice as likely to wind up in prison later in life. That is an alarming statistic. They are more prone to aggression, more likely to drop out of high school, and are more susceptible to negative influences. Given those tendencies, it's not hard to see how that can lead to higher levels of incarceration down the line.
In addition, one of the most unnerving statistics is that nearly 65% of youth suicides are associated with fatherless homes. From my own experience I know that children who grow up fatherless are at a much greater risk for depression and, unfortunately, suicide.
6. More Likely to Use Drugs
Fatherless children are more likely to turn to drugs. When I was younger, I battled several addictions. My mother was justifiably busy holding down a job that supported the entire household. I would never portray my mother under a negative light; she loves her children, and she did the best she could. My two older sisters were preoccupied with their college studies. I was pretty much left to my own devices as a teenager.
I always had a circle of friends who were much older than me; whatever they did, I did. They got tattoos, I got tattoos. Suffice it to say, the things they chose to do to pass the time, I ultimately partook in, as well. You might be interested to know, however, that today I'm as sober as a priest. I was able to pull myself out of that tailspin, and realizing this fact gives me hope that I can overcome other hurdles in my life, too. At this point, knowing that I have that inner strength means everything to me. It means I can, in good faith, declare that there's hope for me.
How Do Children Overcompensate for not Having a Father?
According to Dr. Mark Borg Jr, PhD, psychoanalyst and author of "How We Use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide From Intimacy", when children typically grow up fatherless there is an attempt by the child to compensate for whatever they feel, think, and believes is missing from the primary caregiver's life. As a result, it is not uncommon for children to develop care-taking routines in an attempt to care for the caretaker (i.e., overcompensate).This developing of behavioral patterns is meant to help the primary caregiver do a better job of providing parental care to them.
Girls are more likely to ally with the caregiver by developing routines designed to make that person feel capable of providing care. Fatherless boys will allow themselves to be the family scapegoat by bearing the responsibility for issues that are going wrong with the family system in general. Both boys and girls are often compelled to take care of parents who they perceive as being unhappy, and boys and girls both, regardless of the circumstances that led to their fatherlessness, experience single caregivers as being in need of help.
Debunking Myths on Fatherlessness
The fatherless label is often simplified. Lots of variables and scenarios come into play when statistics are compiled. A feeling of helplessness can overwhelm us if we automatically react to every stat that we see. It is our duty to protect our own overall well-being from outdated or misleading studies by doing our due diligence. It is important to keep in mind that there are plenty of factors a statistic may not account for before we succumb to a victim mentality. With that being said there are many misconceptions associated with the issue of fatherless households:
1. Children in Fatherless Homes Have Fared Poorly Over the Past Three Decades
A collaborative report from different federal agencies have found that many indicators of a child’s well-being have increased while others have decreased. Youth are less likely to smoke, die, or be victimized while they have made fewer strides with variables that predict economic prosperity.
2. Research on Single Mother Households Proves That Fatherlessness Harms Children
Children’s perceptions of the relationship they have with both parents has a more direct influence on they psychological well-being than having then does physical presence (or absence) of their father.
3. Children Fare Worse in Fatherless Homes
On average, the differences in well-being between children from intact family homes and those from divorced homes tend to be small on average. The stress levels and psychological states of the parents are more powerful influences than income and if two parents are in the home.
How to Cope With Growing up Without a Father
There are many constructive ways to deal with the pain of growing up in a fatherless household. The measures are not always easy, but anyone committed to their own well-being can conquer the odds up against them. Dr. Mark Borg Jr. also had this to say on coping, "[i]t is important to express feelings rather than act them out. Self-sufficiency in relationships is a way of acting out old, unprocessed feelings about growing up fatherless or, growing up in a family where it felt like the care was not adequate. The problem is that it is so unsafe to grow up with inadequate care (whether fatherless or not) that most people push this out of their awareness and it does get acted out behaviorally (rather than processed consciously). The way to deal with this (adverse affect) is to--one relationship at a time--find and or create safe relationships to allow oneself to express the emotions and needs unmet in childhood."
Other effective measures of dealing with fatherlessness include:
- Counseling and support groups are effective means for learning about ourselves and our own needs. These mediums assist us in interpreting the past in order to help us to perceive our future as brighter.
- Identifying role models and mentoring programs in the community that display moral ethics and ambition to influence children that grew up in fatherless households in a positive way.
- Acknowledging your anger and hurt feelings. It is never a good idea to rage quietly while putting up a front to the world. Be honest with yourself. Communicate your feelings from the heart rather than just expressing them. The key is to allow yourself the chance for growth.
- Forgiving anyone who has caused us harm takes a lot of grit. Doing it for closure can provide a much needed release and can potentially heal old wounds.
Important Lessons My Father Taught Me
Through his absence, my father taught me that life isn't fair. There are no guarantees that we will attain anything, achieve anything, or be loved by anyone. No matter what predispositions we are born with, or what psychological effects may be associated with our childhood experiences, we are the ultimate forgers of our destiny. I have to believe I can overcome the disadvantages of growing up without a father. I have to believe that I can still determine my future.
Fatherless Sons or Fatherless Daughters?
- National Fatherhood Initiative, "The Father Absence Crisis in America," 2013.
- Dr. Gabriella Gobbi, "Father Absence in the Monogamous California Mouse Impairs Social Behavior and Modifies Dopamine and Glutamate Synapses in the Medial Prefrontal Cortex," Oxford Journals, 2013.
- Sanchez, Claudio. (2017, June 18) “Poverty, Dropouts, Pregnancy, Suicide: What the Numbers Say About Fatherless Kids.” Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2017/06/18/533062607/poverty-dropouts-pregnancy-suicide-what-the-numbers-say-about-fatherless-kids
- Spencer, Ben., "Growing up without a father can permanently alter the BRAIN: Fatherless children are more likely to grow up angry and turn to drugs," Daily Mail, 2013.
- Sutherland, Anna., "Yes, Father Absence Causes the Problems It’s Associated With," Institute for Family Studies, 2014.
- Wilson, T., (2002). “Myths and Facts About Fatherlessness.” Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/79c4/ab7cc226d0db49fa4eb4e61181d12f4a9237.pdf
- (2017, July 20). Dealing With Anger From Having an Absent Father. Retrieved from https://firstthings.org/anger-absent-father
© 2014 Michael Kismet
Katalayah on July 02, 2020:
Wow first time im actually seeing something like this but is nice to actually have someone to share your thoughts with.My father is not dead or anything infact he is healthy and has all the money but he is absent in my life .Having a father who makes promises he cant keep is very heartbreaking especially deep down you are just hoping and praying that one day he might change.He is my dad so ofcourse no matter the pain he has caused i will always love him and not because he is absent in my life i should think negatively and let it get me down instead i will do the opposite of the disadvantages of not having a father.I will work extremely hard and contine to have God by myside and my mom's side of the family is there with me all the way.I just hope one day my dad will come to his senses before it is too late but I'm a person who has faith in others no matter how badly they have been treating me.I wish you guys all the best who like me dont have a father present in your life. Just live your life and fight beacuse you might think you dont have someone but somebody is always there watching your back guys.Just have faith its not easy but remember its not you alone .If u read this its destiny that has brought you here
to BADMOTHERBEAR on June 25, 2020:
your name and the details of your story speak volumes. Good luck figuring it out. . The peter guys thing below me was intelligent.
Peter on June 01, 2020:
Not only did I not grow up without a father, but the male figures in my life were all weak pathetic bullies. You can say I was the youngest but manliest in the entire family. To make matters worse, not only did the male figures in my life try to force me into submission, but the females as well. Ie. I was raised in a weak household, I was forced to respect weak males, simply because I was the youngest. After getting completely stripped of my manhood, I went no contact in order to teach myself how to be a man again. Thankfully all that you have mentioned above (were all present) but don't have a major impact on me anymore. I one day will become the man that my weak male role models are never able to become
Abdikadir on May 25, 2020:
Being fatherless is too depressive, you can't imagine how life goes without father, a father is important person in children's life.
More worse when u don't have Father, and you don't have supportive person life goes more depressive.
I prayed for the fatherless children.
BADMOTHERBEAR on May 21, 2020:
At the moment my wonderful son has not spoken to me for a year. It was his step fathers birthday last year and he did not send a card. it transpired he didn't feel anything towards his sf, I was hurt that he could hurt someone who has only looked after him from the age of 6, they clash personality wise and we had a few issued, but we were all getting on so well. Now I am blaming myself for having my boy (he is 30) but not wanting his father in my life, so I did it all alone, it was hard but I tried to give him everything to fit in with other kids, I tried my very best and I would not have changed a thing, met my husband when he was 6, they got on great till the teenage years, my husband had a controlling childhood, they clashed in 2012 but we got over this hurdle. My boy is gay, depression, low self esteem, he was having therapy before he went silent, I know he needs time to sort out his mind, I am giving him his space, It is my husbands birthday on Monday, will he send a card, will he phone, don't think so., my husband is so hurt by all this, he is still there for him, he thinks of him as his son, we didn't have kids. Did I do all this to my son, did I make him like this, I only hope he will get in touch, don't want to crowd him which is why I am letting him be, a mothers love knows no bounds, just wanted to get it out. Tears are coming now.
William Benade on May 10, 2020:
I've grew up without a father and my biological father past away before I've ever could meet him and my mother kept him away from me .I've had a horrible childhood was abused multiple times not just by my mother by my stepfather my mother s x husband who's also past away. Ive been through a lot and today in my life ive only reached few things but my life is stolen from me my rights to have a father in my life I been diagnosed with bipolar disorder OCD disorder mdd disorder post traumatic stress disorder I'm on medication and my life is worthless and what bothers me the most is you must honour your parents how you doing that when you're parents hurts you abused you ive been too many professional people for physical treatment and no one can understand the real impact of what it has on a child don't have his father in his life
Goodmas123 on March 23, 2020:
Yes, I can relate to the fatherless. How are we going to turn this around?
Sâd Gæ Møthęr on March 09, 2020:
Honestly growing up without my father is kinda of a let down and I...... I actually tried choking myself to death.. I know im dumb, I know im stupid, I KNOW im annoying for attempting for it to work out, I don't really know how life is supposed to work, I mean like, the only "dad figured" person I have in my life is, a teacher of mine. He's really kind, he actually cares, but! Not only me, he cares for everyone. But- him caring.. has a bigger impact on me. I really hate how life is..... Yknow......? I feel like im unwanted and a waste of space. But, heh, life is really just hell- a place where you can't escape. Where your thoughts will never be healed. Somethings are just not how you want it to be.. So, we all just have to learn how to cope with it. Just know, if your dad isn't there for you. I will BE your dad. You're all not alone in this world, you can always reach out to someone. Suicide isn't the answer, don't be as dumb as me, you'll just end up miserable knowing you tried dying... Be someone new, forget about your past. You have us all ! ^^
Sâd Gæ Møthęr ..
JerF on February 27, 2020:
A few weeks before my 4th birthday my mother packed up our stuff and moved my younger brother and I 1200 miles away from our dad. We didn't see or hear from him again for 10 years. My mother married another man about a year later who she said was our new dad, we took his name and called him dad, he was an abusive drunk. When they split up 10 years later he also abandoned us and I haven't seen him in almost 27 years. After the divorce my mom contacted our real father and we went to his home twice over two summers, and then never heard from him again. At 41 years old I am still angry and bitter about what my mother and father put my brother and I through. Not only was my father absent but my mother had serious problems as well. I am bitter that he didn't care enough to look out for us, and that she didn't seem to consider what she was doing. I always struggled in school, and got into trouble, as a teen I used a lot of drugs. My mother is very sick and near death and my dad made it clear he wants nothing to do with us.
I wish they would both vanish from the earth.
Max on December 02, 2019:
This really helped me understand wats going on i my head i can constantly change my mind more easily
Ryan on November 27, 2019:
My early years in life included my father. However, being the drug addicted abusive (physically and verbally) person he was, it made being a child hard. Around the age of 9, my mom finally got away from him. He no longer lived with us, but I still saw him once in a blue moon. Eventually, my mom re-married and we moved away. At the age of eleven, I, along with my older brother, went to visit him. It was then that I truly realized that I had no desire to ever see him again. While we were there, some people came over. They chatted in the backroom, the excuse being "We are playing cards real quick." Even being so young, my brother and I knew he was doing a drug deal, or using, or something. We got up and left. That was the last time I ever saw my father.
I have only one good memory of my father. It was my birthday. My mother received a phone call that her uncle had passed away, so she had to leave. My older brother went with, leaving just my father and I. I had received a large wooden block set I had been wanting. y father and I spent, what felt like, a couple hours building, coloring and drawing the building blocks. Now, I don't know if my mind reaches to make the memory seem better than it actually was. I can say, I will take it as I remember it.
I do try, from time to time, to really think about how many memories I have. Most are him either not there or something bad. Loud arguments, being abusive, smoking, drugs, and even having the police SWAT team raid our house, twice. My brother and I always try to have a laugh at it all, sweeping the emotional scars under the rug and trying to drown out tears with laughter. Though, I do feel that there have been some issues that have haunted me my whole life, even to this day, as I write this.
Over the years, I have grappled with not having a father. Never playing catch. Never have been taught 'how to be a man,' never having someone to confide in. When I made an accomplishment, yes, my mom was there. But not my father. I would get so upset and even angry when I would wish he was around. I would think that I am failing myself. Why would I want him there, then or even now, when he was never there for me.
It got to the point where I would want to reach out to him, to connect or just to talk. I have never had an adult conversation with my father. I don't know if I would process the information the same as I did when I was young. Do I still want to reach out? Yes, I do. Why? I could not give you the slightest idea why I would. I know where he is. I know that he will be there for a very long time. Getting in contact with him would not be hard. It is just, do I really want a reply? This is the constant struggle I have. I feel like I think about it at least once or twice a week. Yet, I do nothing. I feel like I can't. In regards to the rest of my family, I feel like I shouldn't.
I'm thirty years old as of this writing. I just had my first son. As I continue to dance with my demons, I rest ensured knowing that my son will never have to endure what I am dealing with. I will always be there for my son, through thick and thin. When he is older, we will play catch. When he gets lost, I will help guide him through becoming a man. When he get scared, sad or upset, I will be there for him to confide in. Why? Because I am a better father than my father could ever be.
Sevenlight victor on October 21, 2019:
I think growing up without a father as permanently damage my brain i feel useless unloved and everybody hates me............. but the biggest effect is my sexual oriantation because this effect leads me to become a gay
Solène on October 10, 2019:
I grew up with my mother and my halfbrother.
I never knew my father till i was 18.
When i was little my mother told me that he doesn't know about me, so that I wouldn't grew up with the feeling that he didn't want me. At the age of 14 i found out that he knew about me and that hurt me really much because i also found out that i have a older sister and a old brother. I was already hurt before i found that out but it hurted now much more. I stardet drinking at a really young age, had older friends and tried drugs. I have depression since I'm 12 but its not just because of my dad but he is a big part of it. My self-esteem is really low and its really hard for me to trust someone. My mother did always everything for me and my brother to fill the void we had because our dads werent there for us. It was also really hard for her because she is alone and has to pay everything alone. Around the age of 18 i got in contact with my little half brother and soon with my sister. Then my dad wrote me. He said he needed time and but we could meet some time. After 2 years of waiting i texted him. He said he is texting me next week because he had stress but he didnt text. After 1 month i texted him again and he said the same thing. I'm 20 now and it really hurts me. I would like to text him and say him that it hurts but i don't have the guts to do it. I just really wann know why he didnt want me. Because he can take care of my older sister and brother but not of me. I always have that inner anger in me but i cant let it out because i hate talking about my feelings. I just dont want to annoy people and i always feel ashamed after talking about it. I just wish he knew how much it hurt me and still does.
Mallory on October 07, 2019:
My dad was mean to my mom and she took my older brother and left my dad ( I wasn't born yet) and she found out that she was pregnant with me and didn't want me growing up without father so she went back to him and he was still mean and when I was almost three years old she took me and my brother and went to live with my nana and I wasn't a happy child and i was bullied in school and I still am me and my brother fight all the time and he likes are dad for some reason, I hate my dad I have four brother's and one sister by my dad and one brother by my mom
- on September 08, 2019:
I grew up with two older brothers and with a single mother. My father got deported when I was 2 because of his decisions. I grew up in apartments where money was tight and the reality of life kicked at an early age from 6-10. By this time I had to take care of my own things (Cook, walk to school, do my own work, stay aware-of my surroundings ). School was different because of some kid’s other mindset. They would joke around of dads leaving their families but they never knew the struggle. I saw and heard so many of these classmates saying these things that by the time I was at my teenage years I was depressed and then angry. I got into fights, started drinking, disrespecting people etc.. my family was disappointed in me and I felt as if I let them down and I was a disappointment to them. I’m trying to control myself and be a better person where my family looks up to me but it’s hard when almost nobody knows what your going though and how to help with it
Amaris on August 31, 2019:
My father left before i was even born, he didnt show up to any of my birthdays, never kept his promises, and didnt even show up when i was born. We went and had another family, but i love my little brother dearly. Him not being there was a big issue for me. During 6th grade, people would say he was fake, or that i killed him. They constantly put me down for it, pulling my short hair, poking my eyes, tripping me over, trying to pick fights with me etc. My teacher didnt like me either, everyone seemed to hate me. If i did something wrong, he would stand me up in the corner and leave me there for hours. I wasnt aloud to do anything apart from look at his ugly face. as a result, my grades were terrible. i even had to switch classes. During halloween, i was called a demon even if i was dressed as a angel. I was scolded for dressing up. And i would NEVER Be aloud in any activities. Even if he told me " Ill let you THIS TIME " i never got to partiicipate. ALL OF IT happened because i had no father. And even reading this im stil clueless on how to fix my problems. I recently also became the : Fright : of the school. I was feared, and know as a blonde monster.
Jess on August 12, 2019:
My father left when I was a baby because he wasn’t allowed to see my or my brothers till we was 18 because he was abusive. When I was around 7 years old he came to my house claiming he wanted the see his children ( me and my brothers ) at this point I was terrified because of the stuff my mom had said about him being a drug addict and an abusive person. My mom forced me to hug him because that was the only way he would leave. A few years later when I was around 10 years old my mom told me and my 2 brothers (1 was 12 and the other was 16) that he died from possibly a drug overdose. When my mom told me this I wasn’t really bothered as I never really knew him, and I said the worst thing I could have ever said and everyday I take these words back, I said “good I hope he rots in hell” my mom said that I shouldn’t really say that as if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t of been alive. When I was around 6 my mom had gotten a new boyfriend who is my stepdad now and I think that was the worst thing to do. I honestly would of preferred to have my real dad than him and he is also on drugs,abusive and just horrible. He has made me terrified of men because he used to hit me for doing very little wrong such as spilling a drink. My mom didn’t care that he hit me and said I deserved it. My mom also hits me when I do something wrong but when he hits me I honestly feel so low and cry my self to sleep, but when my mom hits me I don’t really care about it. My point is my dad is dead and he was a bad man but my mom brining another bad man into my life (who isn’t my dad, and I always get mad at someone when they say to me is that your dad to the point when I will cause a punch up) My brothers don’t understand because my stepdad never abused them just me. This has made me bad at school and quite violent to. And because I have never had a proper father figure in my life it is getting to the point we’re i am getting sexually attracted to men a lot older to me when I am 12 and I am attracted to men who are like 45 years old because I was never learned that sort of stuff. Like if I was a boy i wouldn’t be attracted to women much older than me because I have a mom and I see an 45 year old woman as a mom figure not in a sexual way. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is true. I always get awkward around men because I instantly feel an attraction to them. But I can’t help it as I don’t know what a father figure is. If my dad was still alive and he wasn’t abusive or a druggie then I would probably be good in school and I would be attracted to boys my age. I did later learn that my father was also abused when he was a child and he was abandoned at a children’s home with his baby sister by his parent, so in a way i do understand why he was the way he was.
CCK on August 09, 2019:
My dad died in a car accident when My mom was just 18 already two little girls one 2 and 1, and me two weeks in moms tummy, well I am 55 now, and I concure, life has been very hard for me, nothing has ever been easy or went smooth, nothing, my greates accomplishments are my children the one part of my life I feel like I did something right.even now though I still feel like I am letting my family down, oh I am a hard worker and own my own business, I have worked hard and also bought a home, but I have never been able to accumulate more or give more to my family, my son had too pay for his complete education, I had no money, I feel inadequate in many ways, I am struggling with life, I just seem to screw up everything I try to do, my marriage is fairly solid right now although my wife left me for a better life a few years back and we got back together because we truly do love each other, but it all plays a role in a life that has been messed up because there was no father in the picture, everyday of my life is a huge battle between good and evil and that keeps me on this side.
ERA on August 07, 2019:
My father died when I was 8, although he'd never been a real "father", since he was half-incapacitated due to a serious accident and health problems.
My mother was a semiliterate, life-beaten woman who did her best to raise me, and I'm grateful I had at least that. But, I can say that growing up as a boy without a fatherly figure was really hard, and caused some issues that I'd only become aware of as an adult.
I never had a manly figure to teach me the "manly stuff", like sports, girls, sex. I know some mothers do that, but mine just didn't.
My mother did what she could, but she'd had a terrible upbringing with a violent father and a negligent mother, so she didn't know exactly how to be a supportive parent. She rarely asked me about school, my thoughts and feelings, or anything at all. She knew so little about me that sometimes I felt like a stranger in my own home.
As an adult, I think that what really impacted me wasn't just the fatherless upbringing, but also the fatc that my mother wasn't really a supportive parent. She loved me and worked hard to keep me alive (although we had a very humble life, with just the very basics), but as for preparing me for life, she did a very poor job, which was expected because of her terrible upbringing, with a violent father and careless mother.
My older brother and sister didn't turn out too well either. My brother has depression, anger issues and has become an alcoholic, and left his family to "be happy", which is living like a teenager in his mother's house, making terrible choices for girlfriends and wasting money like there's no tomorrow. His older son had a son with his girlfriend, and now they live together, and sometimes we hear stories of his violence agaisnt her (he broke her arm a while ago). My brother's younger son is an alcoholic-in-training: he's only 17 and drinks pretty much every night, specially on the weekends. My sister also has depression, has huge anger issues and believes that the only good people in the world are her husband, her daughter, her son and herself. Her daughter is a copy of her, with the addition that she is also quite dishonest: my mother received some late retirement money, and my sister's daughter became responsible for it, since my mother isn't "very bright"; in the end, she robbed almost all of my mother's money. I'm responsible for it now. She's also robbed from every single place she's worked at. My sister's son also got a girl pregnant, and they had a beautiful daughter, but he's been having affairs ever since they got married.
Great family, right? That's why I think that people like my mother, and consequently my siblings and I, shouldn't have children, because there's a chance that they'll turn out as bad as their parents, or even worse.
I like to think that I'm the "white sheep" of my family, since I'm an honest, hard working man with no addictions.
Anyway, I don't want to have children. My wife believes I'd make a good father, since I'd know what not to do, but I disagree. I'm a little too selfish for that, and I've never had any role models to look up to. So, there's a huge chance that I'd close the vicious circle, and I don't want that. The world needs good, honest, supportive people, not people like me. One is more than enough.
DD on July 29, 2019:
My mother decided to leave my father when I was about 3...to be with another man who became my step-father for more than 10 years. Neither my birth nor my stepfather were physically nor emotionally present for me during my formative years...nor was my mother who has been immensely immature to be a mother, in truth. Having that experience...growing up without the often physical and also emotional absence of my parents...gave me no other choice but to distance myself...respectfully...leaving them all far behind...to create a life so different from my upbringing. No I am not married, no I have no children, I have a life partner and a male cat...and that is enough! :-) Thanks very much!
John on June 16, 2019:
I too grew up without my father i dont know what he looks like never met him i was the only child and didnt have any friends my mother struggled to raise me and i always felt like i didnt fit in
Me on May 20, 2019:
I dont know about fathers who leave or fathers who abuse, i dont know my father period, yet he did not die before i was born, he died in 2007 i was born in 86. Why didnt he come to see me?That was the puzzle of my life until i was 31 and started demanding answers. Apparently he was ill and bedridden since 85. He had given his contacts but my mom never contacted him. My mom got contacts also from other people in the army where my father worked but still did not contact him. In 91 she married and changed my surname to that man, the man who before 10, i was told he is my father until my grandmother told me otherwise. Many things also happened which have highlighted my mothers role in my fatherlessness. Right now she has divorced her husband but im stuck with the name, im trying to change it, but she keeps on throwing tuntrums and turning my brothers against me. She has convinced everyone im trying to hurt her. In 08, four months after my dad died, i fell sick and quit university. I dont know what my father did, but i know what my mother did to keep me away from my father. So yeah, we hold our moms dear, angels who wouldnt hurt a fly, but they are our biggest hurts. The reason a woman allows a man to impregnate her, is so she could have someone to beat on, and they keep us away from our dads, because they know we are for their personal use. If you wanna fix yourself, stand up to your mom, dont be scapegoat.
H4m5t3r on May 02, 2019:
Its hard for me to understand how any child feels without one of their parents for any reason, I'm lucky to have had both of mine growing up, and it's great that some REAL MEN will stand up and be the father figure to another's children, but what if any can be the psychological effects to the child not building a bond with their biological parent, providing said parent wants a relationship with their child but is stopped by an EX or the courts, distance.... (although if you love you child no distance is too far for you to be a loving supportive parent) could bringing a step 'father/mother' into a relationship that has a child/children with another effect their emotional and mental wellbeing? What if that parent tries to manipulate the child into hating their biological parent in favour or their new love interest? Their are so many variable scenario's that need to be looked into and studied before a verdict on fatherless/motherless children and the effects it can cause them both in their emotional and psychological development, and how it could possibly effect the child's ability to develop parental relationships with their own children should they have their own in later life?
Wildoaks on April 26, 2019:
I think the issue is that being fatherless has become normalized within society. It’s become very common to find children raised by single mothers and often it is the mother who stops fathers from being active in their children’s life. I grew up without my father. He was abusive and quite frankly, not a good father but my mother made the choice to isolate me from him. Which didn’t stop the childhood abuse (stepdad and others) nor did it stop the sexual abuse and domestic abuse. In part, I believe his absence contributed to my vulnerability. It doesn’t take a scientist to understand that being separated from a mother or father in childhood has its consequences and permanent effect on the developing brain.
Hani on March 29, 2019:
My dad passed away when I was a year old. And I grew up with my mother and a brother. My mom taught and raised me to be strong and independent. She never bought me toys and I never asked for it. When I was a kid, I never once questioned my dad's absence and somehow feel okay with it. However, as I grow older, I realized that as a daughter and growing up without a father figure does affected my emotional health and personality.
I know my mom tried her best to raise me and my brother all by herself but sometimes, she just make it worse like how she keep lowering my self-esteem with thoughts that she might help to boost my self-confidence when in fact, I became more timid and afraid to speak out my feelings. I was good at running away from my problems and just keep it to myself, I learnt that from her. Me and my mom, we're not used to hug and kisses, it's awkward for us. Thus, I feel like I always lack of affection and human touch.
And to think that, if I had a father, I'd be dad's princess and he would probably be there for me when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry. Someone I can trust and depend on. Someone who would constantly told me that I'm beautiful and value my worth.
I'm 24 years old this year, and at this age I feel like I need him the most in my life.
Mike on March 27, 2019:
I am reading this stories and I am horrified. What happend to me? Well, my dad was always emotionally absent, he did not cared for anything. So I promised myself I will not go on the same path as he did.
What happed next, I meet a girl, she got pregnant and said she wants to raise the child alone. And the last time when I was there she refused me and my mom to stay 2 days with the child at her apartment.
It is not always men fault there are mothers that too who contribute and force the man to leave. At the end the child will feel consequences...
Rebecka3 on March 21, 2019:
I gre up withput father or brothers and im female. It has effected my realrionships i.always.look for validation from many men to justify my self.worth and also im angry toward.women for allowing men to abandoned me the mother figure. Then when peopke are rude to me im double rude back just makes me viscious. But hey for people.to be rude for no reason they quitely.deserve it.
IdkWhatToNameMyself on January 11, 2019:
I have had a father when I was very young, like up till I was 8 or so. But he was always abusive to my brothers who are each much older than I (+7years and +14years). I myself have not been physically abused (too much). My Brothers suffered from having an abusive father and I suffered from having no father at all. After I became 8 he stopped coming home for years and when he did come it was for a day or less...
So, my brothers cant understand that I have to deal with some childhood trauma just like they, that I had to grow up fatherless and with a habit to be overprotective, because I had watched my brothers get abused and I was too weak to help them. On every Family meeting when the talk about our Childhood comes up, I never get my turn to say how bad I had it, because for them I had a wayyyyyy better life.
So basically I never got to vent my feelings to my family and they sold me their problems more important than mine.
So, while many cant understand this, but Friends, for me, are more important than Family. Today I live with my mom and my middle brother (I am 17, and he is 24)... He developed behaviour which resembles my fathers behaviour. He however isnt physically abusive (just sometimes, when I decide to talk back) he is mentally abusive and tries to tell me that im worthless and disrespectful and he always tells me how much harder his life was. I agree that he had a harder life but I usually tell him that he doesnt have to be imprisoned by his past. Which results in him getting aggressive... IDK wht I wanted to achieve with this comment... I just think it is sad how a negative parent can change your life. I decided that I dont wanna become like him, while my brother thinks he has to become like that.....
SryINeedToStayPrivate on November 27, 2018:
I like many others here have had issues throughout my life with never knowing my biological father. I am in 30s now and it's very helpful to see that I am not alone in the way I feel sometimes.
I have had a lot of mental issues throughout my life, from suicide attempts to multiple trips to rehab for addiction. I am not sure if the lack of never knowing my biological father greatly effected my romantic relationships and my overall mental health... but I know it had at least some effect.
That all being said, I've been relatively sober and have been doing well in life overall, especially in the last few years. I want to tell anyone else that feels a certain way about being adopted, or never knowing one parent for one reason or the other, to never give up hope. Hope is very important to hold onto. You can still accomplish any task you set out to, and can learn to live, or maybe even overcome, the obstacles or problems set forth by not knowing a biological parent or parents. You can only play the hand you are dealt in life and with time, hard work and dedication you can make it.
Nunaloveshine on September 28, 2018:
This is a great explaination to the question i enjoyed reading this.
Recently, my father got deported but even then i wouldnt really see my father often because he doesn't live with me and my mom and I don't understand why but i'm sad about it and i struggle with getting mad easliy i want it to stop but i can't stop getting mad at everyone what should i do about it?
HenryJ on September 21, 2018:
What is the name given to such person?
Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson on September 02, 2018:
Great article and enlightening comments. I also grew up fatherless - he didn't actually LEAVE until I was 12, but he checked out shortly after I was born. He was always gone, and the rare times he did come home, he was so high I wasn't allowed to be in the same room alone with him (I think he got caught being inappropriate with me from what I can gather from others, but I don't recall that personally). In 12 years I can count the memories with him on one hand, and they weren't pleasant.
Then he decided to get his act together, and start a new life in another state, cutting us out of his life like a tumor. I got the joy of watching as he became a celebrated local celebrity and "man of God" who happily dispensed parenting advice and wisdom on local TV and radio to the constant praises of the unsuspecting public.
When he passed away a few years ago, I was not welcome at the funeral - turns out, no one in his new wholesome life (save his wife) even knew he had abandoned his previous family, and his wife wasn't about to let her local reputation be tarnished by "inconvenient" facts like my brother and I having been born.
I'm nearing 40 now and I've done okay for myself, despite a lot of challenges that I've had to overcome. I've fought through poverty, drug addiction, depression, anger, and I'm still standing and I don't take those problems out on others. It does still kill me to see happy families, and it's the reason I've never had one of my own. It just goes to show - be careful of who you idolize. You never know the skeletons just behind someone's closet door.
Liam on August 02, 2018:
Did you write this all yourself, I am writing a paper and quoting this article and I don't want to plagiarize.
My life turned into good on August 01, 2018:
I'm mixed,my dad is black and my mum is white. She raised us up almost all alone which was not at all easy.
I experienced the hate on my father,I saw him when I was 6 and tried to :find" him when I was 18, that's when we met each other.
I felt that insecurity which was a frequent part of my personality, I did not love myself because I was like"how can a person love someone like me?" But my life changed when I truly listened to the gospel and decided to trust God:
I would like to encourage all of you young men, life makes no sense sometimes but always remember that GOD has a plan for you and that he loves you. You are not an accident.
The bible says in 2nd Corinth. that he would like to be our father.
I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men: But my mercy shall not depart away from him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before thee.
2 Samuel 7:14-15
Sean on July 19, 2018:
It's almost like reinventing the wheel. You have to figure out how the world works on your own.
William on July 15, 2018:
It does effect children because they depend on there dads
Waylon Smithers on June 17, 2018:
Yes. This does have an effect on children. That's why some kids grow up being...
Sad without dad on May 20, 2018:
My dads black my moms white i'm mixed people make fun of me becuse of that what do I do ???? So plz approve this i need emotional support ):
Time on May 20, 2018:
i talk about my dad i cry and i cant help to think why should not
just kill myself cause my mother is in Sc and my dads in Airzona
what do I do?????):
J on May 10, 2018:
My father has been in jail most of my life. My mom raised me, my sister, and my brother by herself. I am 28 years old and just realized I may hate my father. I blame him for how I turned out. I am black so the fact that he was not there made me part of the statistic. I am very awkward and dealt with depression most of my life. Because of how I was raised, I have so much respect for women that it's harmful. I do not plan on getting married cause I know a woman could easily use me. I can't tell women 'No'. I wouldn't say I'm afraid of them but intimidated sounds right. For years I told myself I don't like my father not realizing it was actually hate.
I will never find happiness until I can forgive him. I mean, where do I start?
Wowd on May 08, 2018:
Man i went through some of these things quite recently; depression, weed addiction and lack of motivation, as in, why does it even matter. And nobody around me seems to understand this. I have no memories of my biological father, so i shouldnt even know that i miss one. But I do. Because of this i feel like i am the odd one out, i feel uncomfortable about things others do not think about. It is so weird to feel this painful insecurity (which does not have a word) of not having an example to walk in the shoes of, be it the way you walk or talk or maybe even the things you "like" but hey, we humans thrive in discomfort right? I guess in some ways it has set my mind free in the sense that i can think about things from a different perspective compared to people that have been taught to think a certain way because of their parents (theory) which sometimes i feel also has a downside (bad trips with weed, i know anyone can have them but maybe extra sensitive towards it. Im also off the weed because i had them often). Maybe the upside to all of this is that i have more control about the person i want to become instead of having absorbed characteristics and just "act" a certain way because i have learnt so. And maybe i should stop thinking about all together and just do life because blaming it on things from the past makes you unable to proceed in life right?
To every man whom is having the struggle of not having grown up with, or still growing up, without a father: we dont really have a say in this, so make the best of what you have and become the person you really want to be, become the best version of yourself. You owe this to yourself
SuperSunrise on May 07, 2018:
I have a 4 yo son who has had a father in his life - we separated when we was 2 bc dad found a side relationship with a coworker more fun than family life. I feel I kind of dodged a bullet there and we've remained friendly and I have done my best to foster a healthy relationship between them. I've made it easy for his father to choose a schedule that works for his life, tried to be supportive where I could, put up with constant changes to said schedule, which makes my end of things a big difficult and so on. I've essentially been the 24/7 nanny that pays for everything to keep a father/son relationship in my son's life. He pays no support, and not one month went by without major changes or omissions to what was a very limited schedule to begin with. At best this was a 10% of the time kind of thing - nowhere near the 50/50 that most couples end up with. I had a difficult time with the last minute changes, explaining his out of town trips with girlfriends and why daddy didn't come this week, his putting off time father/son time to go somewhere with friends instead, spending all of his income on cars, etc. I don't say negative comments to my son about his dad, but that doesn't mean my son hasn't figured out that his dad isn't like other dads (even in the divorced families).
Now I've limited contact lately and I'm not making all of the effort to be sure it's too easy for dad to blow it off - bc there does not seem to be a way to make it easy enough for him. I don't agree to last minute changes or "hey, I'll take him Friday night", when this doesn't come up as an option until less than 24 hours beforehand on late Thursday evenings. I don't make it my priority to fill him in on everything and send updates, etc. when he doesn't read emails or ever ask on his own how things are going with kiddo.
He is a needy man, always the victim, tends to be depressive and anxious and rather seems to enjoy wallowing in it (yes, I realize there are things to help out there, but he has to want to help), life is always about what he wants, that he needs support and love and, and, and... He is great with my son when he does bother to spend time and will bring a little token gift or something now and then, but day to day doesn't think how the child is feeling, is he doing well, is there something he actually NEEDS in life, would more time with dad or at least consistent time with dad help him feel better? My son actually didn't know how to answer when a young cousin asked him "do you have a dad?" (bc he of course doesn't come to family functions now so the cousin was wondering), and my son has said "I need a new daddy" when he doesn't show up as scheduled. It's overused these days, but these narcissistic tendencies really get in the way.
So, now I'm thinking that maybe it's better that my son isn't learning that his father's half baked attempts to be there are the way to be a father, that musical girlfriends every few months (the coworker he left us for didn't last long) are the way to have a relationship, that sitting and wallowing in self pity and victimhood are the way to live a positive and fulfilling life. I certainly don't want my son to be fatherless and after reading articles like this and comments of fatherless now-adults I'm even more worried about it, but I'm also having serious doubts that having someone in his life that is so obviously uninterested in my son's welfare and long-term interpretations of fatherhood and childhood is healthy. Who knows? I may find someone that loves us both, that would be a good male influence as a father figure. Yes, it would be a step-parent, but I know many many many men that stepped in and stepped up and raised a child as if it were their own and truly benefited the child in so many ways.
It keeps me awake at night, this is no decision taken lightly, and I fully believe that a father should step up for his children, but you can't MAKE a father do that. He's an adult - there is only so much I can do and frankly, I need to spend the energy on my son and making our life the way we want it and not wasting that precious energy on begging and cajoling and orchestrating things to make it easy on his dad.
Bru on April 27, 2018:
My dad died when i was 4 due to him being alcoholic. Till this day when I see fathers protecting their little daughters in public it touches my heart. We were 6 kids and my mum who wasn't well at the time tried her best to raise us. at 13 i went into foster care. I can honestly say though, that since I learnt that THE MOST HIGH ABBAH YAHUWAH( Father God in hebrew original biblical language) loved me and sent his son YAHUSHUWA HA MASHIAC (jesus the messiah) to die for me so that i could be HIS DAUGHTER my healing started. As i continue to dwell in mine and my HEAVENLY FATHER'S personal relationship, he helps me understand hidden scares and continues to heal and fill voids in me. I cant even successfully feel sorry for myself no more because I KNOW I HAVE THE BEST FATHER WHO LOVES ME MORE THAN MY OWN EARTHLY FATHER COULD IF HE WAS ALIVE! shaluwmyah.
Jesus Loves on April 13, 2018:
Everyone has a father in heaven. This is all anyone needs to be whole and live a full filing life. So stop feeling bad for yourself.
Shhhh on April 12, 2018:
Glad I’m not the only one :) . Always stay positive
Casey Ice on March 31, 2018:
It hurt a lot reading this. Every effect on this list has happened to me in shockingly grave detail. From bottling up rage for years to developing a dependency on marijuana then getting incarcerated for the first time at age 12. Turned 13 in Chesapeake Juvenile Services that year and life really hasn't gotten better since.
Shawn on March 21, 2018:
I feel for all the little ones that don't have a dad or even yet a mom... I am one of the few dad's that wants to be there for my son and his mom has it out for me...
I missed him being a star qb in football in high school...
As long as he knows in his heart I never left him but did so his mom then I am at ease... my heart hurts every time I see him cause I know I could have done better for him and caused him less pain in life... What exactly is the best part about pain??? "It eventually goes away"... learned that from my amazing combat veteran wife!!!
Y'all keep your heads up high and always know you are loved by Many!!!
Rose on March 10, 2018:
My father I hate him he left my mother and went to another woman she got two daughters and he stayed with them but not me I was not born yet this is upsetting I get aggressive with my friends sometimes its for useless things I have I feeling I must be depressed but my friends don't know and I hate my father and when I become successful in life I'm gonna show off and say "Oh I don't know him security!" I hope he goes to hell for what he put me through and I never saw him in real life only in pictures and I always see kids with fathers to teach them how to be strong I wish I was never life this I hate him ill never forgive him ill stop writing cause I'm about to cry my anger tears I HOPE YOU F*ING DIE DAD GUESS WHAT ONLY SPECIAL MEN EARN THE TITLE "DAD"SO BASICALLY YOUR A STRANGER I HATe YOU THIS IS COMING FROM THE HEART
Medinaman on March 05, 2018:
I don’t know how to feel. I grew up with my dad but he never spent any time with me or never decided to teach me anything or learn how to act like a man. I doubt all the choices I make because I don’t know if I’m making the right ones. I don’t know what it’s like to see a man make decisions and have that alpha role model. My dad was a gambler and that’s all he ever did. I want to be confident as a man! I want to know what I’m doing! Why do I feel this way
Mira on March 05, 2018:
I have faced some of these issues growing up without my father being there much. In his case he would occasionally see me, take me for a burger as a kid or so. But never wanted to spend time with me, all my childhood i tried to make dad proud and make him want to be with me more. It's easy to blame all issues I have on him not being there.
Today however I often tend to think that my alcoholic father with depression and a lot of hatered would not have been the best person to grow up with either. All the issues I have had, I might aswell have had anyways for different reasons, and probably even some more. Ultimately if a father decides to leave maybe the lack of love of a dad they see everyday would have affected a child way more. I don't know.
Legionar on March 04, 2018:
This is my first comment here. On September I will become a "father". However, the feeling is the same as I will kill someone or someone will die. Why? I meet a beautiful nice woman 32, we were together for 3 months, both wanted to have children and also she was having her health issues so there was really almost no "possibilities" to have one. Things got worsen. I realized she is not mentally stable. From her panic attacks to her obsessive cleaning disorder. Not to mention that everything I done was wrong. If I moved a glass on the table on the other side there was a question "why did you move glass there". Anyway she has support from her family, 2 apartments on rent, from material point of view the child will be fine. However I decided it is the best I will not recognize him as a father and since everything I do is wrong not to see each other anymore wit the woman. Yes, off-course you should hear also the story from the other part, but I did what I could, tried to be a father, explained her the children from broken families are more prone to have more issues, again arguing, huge one. Anyway, for me it is the best to give time someone who will appreciate it and be the only father (not in the way - ok this is not working lets split), if I will ever been able to go in any relationship after this shit. Will this child want to meet me? Will he ever understood situation? I have no one to talk with about this. Really painful.
Winter on February 21, 2018:
My father took his own life at the family cabin when I was 7. The details are important but I'm not going to give them to you unless otherwise interested. Except I was never physically injured by him on purpose. I can't relate to those who were so I won't even try. I've tried to study and figure out why I'm such a hard piece to fit into society. Nobody really knows what to think of me or do about my weird views. I feel they were formed by not having a father and forced to think for myself with no barriers. But that also means getting no helpful pointers off the bat so I fail a lot or get discouraged easy . Fathers day was the worst. Now I'm a father. It's hard. A lot of the attributes I read above I believe are things I live with as well due to the circumstance that has brought us all to this thread.
Lonely on February 17, 2018:
I grew up without my dad because he passed away before I was 2 and it has had a effect on my intire life. I’ve had step fathers but it wasn’t good with the first one and by the time my second step father came along I was eighteen. I have looked for a father figure for years. I’ve not had any success in finding one and even though I am grown I still feel the emptiness of not knowing one or what it would feel like to know one and be disciplined by him. I have tried to deal with this but not having any luck with it. It’s embarrassing because I feel the need to find someone who would be willing to be a father figure to me even at my age and to show me what it’s like to be disciplined by him since I was never disciplined by one. I wish I could find one that would be glad to be a father figure to me and give me the discipline I have missed out on. I would like for him to understand completely and not be afraid to discipline me even at my age. If there’s any place I could find one it would be appreciated very much. Thank you. He and I could talk things over before we made any commitments. Please let me know if you can help me.
Cade on February 12, 2018:
My dad died of heart attack when I was 4 years old, of course I was sad about it when it happened but 13 years later, I'm really starting to feel the full significance of it now. I feel like I do have anger problems, little things tick me off and just build up inside of me because I don't know how to express that anger or release it, but if I do release it I snap, I feel like I release it all at once. My "fatherless" situation is unique to most people's because he didn't leave and it wasn't any of my parents fault. But I think it's still relevant because I feel like I'm missing key traits that a father usually gives. I think I'm a little soft and I lack discipline, since I only grew up with my mom.
Michael Kismet (author) from Northern California on February 10, 2018:
I want to take the time to thank everyone who has shared their experiences with growing up fatherless. I am quite overwhelmed with the feedback and varying opinions of all my readers.
I want to reaffirm the belief that although we are predisposed to the consequences of growing up without a Father, it does not have to define us. We all pave our own roads in life and ultimately our fates are in our own hands.
Thank you again for all the support and spreading awareness of this polarizing social issue. I am deeply humbled for the individuals opening up their hearts and sharing their story with the collective.
Devin on February 08, 2018:
Well to start off this comment, my dad was sent to prison for drug dealing once when I was four and again when I was 11. In my child hood, I grew up without my father. I’ve always had a lot of anger because of it. I’ve also had to take anger management classes and started smoking pot at age 12 to get rid of my anger because I felt like I was going to hurt people if I didn’t. All much friends had there father. My father had his father. My mother had her father. So as you can see no one around my life understood what I was going through. Seeing my friends fathers helping them with sports or supporting them through hard times would hurt me so deeply. So much so that I often thought of ending my life because of the heart ache I felt towards that. I really wish I was not the way I am. Now I’m 23 and I live with my father. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. He tries to treat me like a friend which hurts and all I want from him is an apology. It’s been 23 years and no apology. Instead we argue and disagree on everything. I really wish I just had someone to talk too.... I hate this world. It’s cruel.
Anthony on February 03, 2018:
I applaud you for bringing up the subject. it's a sensitive issue but one that should be talked about in a calm rational environment. Paragraph we all have issues with anger especially young males it doesn't matter whether your fatherless or not. I can tell you I was abused by my father and I've discovered that being the oldest is a very difficult task to take the Brunt of it all I have PTSD because of my father the Catholic School and the army I've read a lot about this subject and try to educate myself so I could call myself self educated. I've always been taught to promote peace but actions speak louder than words why can't we all just get along
J on February 02, 2018:
I just feel very lost without my dad I don’t feel whole!
bitter-sweet on January 29, 2018:
having a father isn't for everybody. my dad left me when i was 11 and that was the best decision he ever made as a father. 3 kids and 2 lovers that never actually loved. he was abusive. although he had fought in 3 wars and has ptsd his abuse was not right. he has scared me for life he that is all he is now, a fading scare and not a open wound. life has been better since he has stepped out of my life and i am thankful to God for it. my mother takes care of me and my sister and she is our rock. i know not everybody will have a father like mine but just know that if they are not there for you there is a reason why. you will be better off without them
A Fatherless Kid like you on January 27, 2018:
I am 25 years old now. I don't even remember when my father left me. I have faced too all the problems that we discuss here. I run my family now consisting of my mother and grandmother. I want to share the good and bad things about fatherlessness also my accomplishments.
1. I can't share things about my father to my friends
2. My friends glorify their fathers. That makes me feel ashamed for not having father.
3. Everyone who knew my situation use to keep on pointing to the fatherlessness all the time. Their advices hurt me
4. Whenever I fail day to day, even for small things, I think its because i am fatherless
5. Thinking and crying why we deserve this. I understand everyone have their own problems. Yet, this negative energy tend to take me over.
6. When someone bullies me emotionally or physically, a part of my mind curses me that i deserve it for being fatherless.
7. On seeing parents showing their love towards their children, it hurts
8. Zealous on even small kids who have fathers.
9. Self abusing all the time in form of self-talk
10. I can't make close friendship with anyone as they would come to know all these and I dread it.
1. My mother became more responsible and resilient
2. She made me resilient too.
3. After seeing my mother's sacrifice and never give up on me attitude, I got the responsibility
4. This responsibility saved me from drug usage
5. Learnt to control my needs financially. No interest in dress, bike or cars anything
6. Fatherlessness acted as a driving force of my life. There is no way to retreat from anything. I had to be successful.
1. I secured very good marks and made my mother and grandmother proud.
2. I got graduation in engineering. My mother and grandmother are proud of me being an Engineer.
3. I landed up in a good job with awesome salary. No more financial problems in life.
I shared almost everything I could. After reading my accomplishments, isn't it feel good ? Yes, but it is undeniable that the path was never easy for anyone including me. It was rough, painful ,filled with tears and shame.
We have got to manage it. I believe that all fatherless kids should find their resilience. This is something mostly uncommon in kids with their fathers. We are independent to some extent. We know the worst side of life. I always think about my mother. At least we have a hope on our future and can get married to a girl. What about our mother ? We are her only hope. Think about it and work on your success. No excuses should be given. It its painful cry, never think of quitting.
M on January 25, 2018:
When I was only 3 months old my parents seperated, I didn't see him a lot because he moved back to his country after they broke up. He visitted me sometimes, usually once in a few years. We couldn't understand eachother well because we didn't have any languages in common so I never got to know him. The last time I saw him I was 9 years old. After that he called me once a year on my birthday, but I never saw him again. A few years ago we started emailing for a few months but I wasn't very happy about it because he was never there for me before so I decided to stop emailing him. I was in a restaurant when he sent a horrible text which caused me to have a melt down in public. After that I never had contact with him again. My mother isn't what I'd expect from a mother either. I cry myself to sleep atleast once a week. If you can't take care of your child why get one? A single parent can raise a child, but I can't deal with a selfish mother and an absent father.
Destiny on January 24, 2018:
I was born with both of my parents there for me and years later my dad cheated on my mom and left for a better family he was in my life for a few years after the fact until he shut me out. I have manic depression a.k.a Bipolar disorder, and i've attempted suicide many times. My mom has done everything to make me happy again.
Andrew on January 12, 2018:
I was born because an affair my father had after he had his first son with his wife. I only see him in pictures of me as a baby then he return to his life and got two other kids after I was born. It is tough not having a father figure. I cried my self to sleep many nights because of the huge void I have. I do not know what is like to have a father. I don't know what is like to have someone to look up to. I have my mother who is as perfect as a mother that you could hope for. But still I don't relate that much to her. I feel something in my life is missing. And that breaks me. I wish I could see him and give him a hug. And talk about all my problems and my accomplishments to him. I wish he could be proud of who I am. I wish he would be there for me when I need him the most. But not everyone has what he wants. I just... Need to fill that void that he has left on me the moment he drifted away from my life. And I feel that is just not possible anymore. Time has passed. I'm turning 20 in a few days. I'm almost a fill grown adult and the void that he left on me must live with me thew rest of my life. And I can't ever fill that void that he has left on me but I'm looking forward to having a family on my own. To do all the things my father couldn't do with me. To be for my children all I ever wanted my father to be to me. But Its never too late. I'm still hoping for him to come one day to visit me and catch up. But I know the damage is done. But one neve knows. We may build a healthy relationship and even hang out. But even he's in another city. I would love seem him one las time before it's too late
El Lobosolo on January 12, 2018:
Fatherless. Turned out OK with a few big bumps in the road.
hannah on January 10, 2018:
hi my name is hannah im in love with this boy called cole and i cant tell anyone these are even fake names im useing but anyway im more a daddys girl like id rather play footbal with him then paint nails with my mom now im not gay or a lesbian because of that but i want to share the good moments with my dad who i never had and its only effecting me 12 years later thanks for reading this hannah
Chris on January 10, 2018:
This article has touched me and I want to tell my story to other people who may not have a father in their lives and are on this page can know they are not alone in the world. I know this pain, I have lived with it all my life. Before I was born my father drugged and raped my mother which is knowledge that would haunt me all my life. My parents divorced when I was only a year old leaving me devoid of understanding the love that spouses have with one another toward their children. Instead I was a rag doll between my parents always in the crossfire when all I ever wanted from them was love. My dad raised me since I was 10 while my mom got to see me on the weekends because the courts unjustly deemed her unfit to take care of a child because of my father manipulating the courts and officers against her story. In 2009 my father was arrested for Sexual assault with the same drug used on my mom all those years ago and taken for 4 years in captivity. I was placed in the justice system for 3 years until I finally got out and my mother got full custody of me. I have not seen or spoken to my father since which has utterly ruined and destroyed my life in all relationships I’ve ever had because I couldn’t tell anyone my story, they would be afraid of me and run away. Its left me broken and angry always leaving me in a position where I don’t know where to turn or who I am because no one in this world could ever understand my pain. When I look on tv and see the families all together with a father figure it makes me enraged for every birthday missed, every Christmas, Every holiday, even my high school graduation and college acceptance. In my teenage years I was suicidal living with my mother because she never fully understood my pain because she wasn’t me. During this time my mom became controlling and insecure with us living alone together invalidating my feelings and making me feel like nothing I felt mattered. I had no support from anyone going through my life causing me to grow up faster than other kids my age. I only have one thing pushing me forward, hate because hate is all I have ever felt for my dad not being in my life. But I use that pain and that hate to fuel my desire to do something worth living for in the world when it comes to my ambition to be an attorney later in my life that nothing can ever stop me from achieving because no judgement or thought can ever amount to what I had suffered without having a dad, But I didn’t let drugs and alcohol win. I stayed clean for all my life because there was no way I could succumb to the sadness and pain, ever, I keep pushing forward because I allowed that pain to make me strong. I made the choice to succeed. Life circumstances don’t define you it’s how you handle them in the now that shapes who a person is no parent not being there can Change that, Thank you for reading my story.
Nick on December 25, 2017:
I have a father, but he does not have any presence in my life. We hardly talk and if we do, we probably just say a couple words. I felt alone all my life. I only have a couple people to turn to, but they are now busy with their own lives. I try to stay positive and am hopeful for a better future.
Carla on December 20, 2017:
Dear Confused and Tired,
Don't be so hard on yourself, you probably are just confused and tired - pregnancy does that. I'm sure that you have found your life worthwhile. It seems that you have a stable financial situation and have made a home for yourself even if you didn't really come from a stable house yourself. Thats a real achievement and you did it by yourself. This is something you can do by yourself as well. It might seem hard or even impossible now, but at the moment you can not imagine the kind of love you will have for your child and you will give them a wonderful life. Men break our hearts, disrespect us and leave us to raise children, do we really need men in our lives? You may feel like you missed out on a lot because you did not have a Dad, but it seems you have had a life full of experience and growth, you dont need anybody else to do this, you will be great, you will surprise yourself and one day realise that this was the best thing to ever happen to you, regardless of what baby daddy decides. Women are very supportive, especially of women with children, you will find your world changes and there is more out there for you than you can imagine now. Best of luck with whatever you decide for yourself, you will do great, just like you have always done.
Noah Haney on December 14, 2017:
Hi when i was 10 i am 12 now everyday i want my dad to just pull up and give me a big hug but i know that will never happen i can cry and wish but all i know is that i love him so much and my mom got together with someone i hate just people with dads u are luckier than u think to have a dad just remember that
Cindy on December 12, 2017:
I grew up without a father and don't even know who he was. I remember at about age 11 crying while looking out my window at night wishing I knew my father. After reading the dreadful stories about abusive fathers, I may have been the lucky one!
Jim on December 07, 2017:
I appreciate your article. I'm a father of four; three daughters and one son. I am fortunate enough that my wife and I have a good marriage and together share life and parenting. I know that my role as dad is an important one which I take seriously. Your honest article was both an encouragement to me in what I've been, but also a good reminder of how important it is that I stay legit and involved in my family and kids life. (i.e. - I'm thankful for what we've been, but I'm never out of the woods and can put things in cruise control..just have to keep engaged, humble and courageous)
I do have a nephew who's been raised without a dad and has experienced most everything (except suicide thankfully, or even attempted suicide) that you mentioned in your article. I benefitted from your article, and am mindful that I may need to be more proactive in going toward him. I've lived outside the area and country for about 26 years and have just moved back to where the rest of my family lives. Reading your article has me thinking about my nephew, and praying about what I could do to be a positive element in his life. I don't feel responsible to fix him, but just wonder about being a positive element in his life right now.
Me on December 03, 2017:
I married a man who grow up without a father. We have a son who is the most precious gift from god. As my husband grows older he has become more angry less patient and increasingly disrespectful. I have decided to end our marriage of 18 years because his behavior has become intolerable.
Finding Answers on November 28, 2017:
American Destructive Culture
Valuable Topic (thank you!) -Generalizations inaccurate!
Look, most people regardless of parents have some of what you have describe - that's life.
I can introduce you to numerous people with two parents and those with only a father and the same problems.
In the work place, I'm responsible for training significant numbers of people at all income levels. There weaknesses become evident.
What's going on ?
In the last 20 years, massively destructive cultural shift in the America. Over 50% of children born out of wedlock, and 50% of those born to mothers living at or below poverty income levels. Result: No wedlock -no committed relationship and no responsible parents. Even worse, child born in poverty means basic needs of love, care and education are not met.
Big Key: Be it one parent, two or a gay couple; parents must: be focused, fair, aware & care about what you are doing 24/7, encouraging, disciplinary; provide weekly chores with accountability, say no, be fun, demand the value of the library and a solid education. Finally, weekly positive/flexible understanding of a love for God found at church - where youth programs teach how to be fair, respectful and how to get along with others.
What can you do? Millions of people have recovered using the ACOA meetings. They go on to live productive meaningful lives. You may not be an ACOA; however, the issues you are facing are in most cases the same.
Confused and tired on November 20, 2017:
This totally breaks my heart... First I didn't want to have children because I grew up without a father and I know all the struggle and the pain. I've talked about my problems, I had professional help and I was ready to open up for love. I met this perfect guy... Who I felt deeply in love with... 2years later... I'm pregnant and suddenly he is acting like he isn't that into me anymore. This hurt like hell... Cause it looks like my child is going to be without a father... Just like me. It hurt me so much cause it's my first child, I am supposed to be happy.. But I'm sad thinking about an abortion. I'm over the 30, I have a job and my own house... I can give this child anything he needs... But I wouldn't be able to give him a father's love... I feel like I have failed and I just want to die. Cause no child deserve being born in this situation. I feel like a failed, I failed myself and my unborn child. This is not okay.
Gloria on October 31, 2017:
You haven’t robbed your mother of anything. I don’t know your situation, but it sounds like she robbed you of a proper childhood. She chose to bring a child into the world knowing that it’s more difficult without a father. Maybe your father left her, then I’m sorry, but please don’t ever blame yourself for taking things from her. She couldn’t have expected a normal kid graduating college on time and everything if she knew you grew up with something missing. She watched it happen and should have known there was a problem
I’m a sperm donor child and my father was incredibly abusive to me. He wasn’t fit to have kids and my mom pushed him into it. There’s a reason he was impotent, he was basically senile from when I turned 10, he was in his late 60s, but still strong enough to beat the shit out of me- his words- with every senile anger episode.
Also he cheated on giants first wife while teaching high school alongside her, with one of his students. The cops said it wasn’t rape but hey, it was the 80s and I wouldn’t put it past him. The girl was his daughters friend. His daughter was in the same class with that girl. There are large gaps in my childhood and I’m afraid he molested me. I don’t remember anything. Sorry, super off topic. I had to get that out, I’ve only told 1 person.
Damian on October 10, 2017:
I grew up without a father I've spoken to him 3 times throughout my life twice around the age of 5 or 6 but he was only around to try and get in my mother's pants again and once I saw him when I worked with his best friend at the age of 14 he didn't even wanna give me 2 dollars to get a burrito his best friend gave him hell for that and it wasnt intentional to work with his best friend just happened also I have faced all of these as well I have bad anger I barely passed high school by bringing up 4 f's in the matter of two days not that I'm not smart it's that I didn't put effort into it I've been depressed and had suicidal thoughts I'm 18 now and recently got my self out of my home town where I'd party often and just was heading down a bad dark road but I can honestly say I've changed for the better and still am but I still honestly get depressed out of no where often sometimes the whole day sometimes for just an hour or so
Madison on October 07, 2017:
I lost my father a couple of years ago due to cancer, and I can't explain to you in words how bad it hurts. I'd do anything to get him back, and I feel like nothing without a male role model in my life. I feel like I have anger problems, it's like I'll get mad at the littlest things. I try to at least have a decent relationship with my mom, but that never works out. The only thing our family can do is fight now day, and since I'm only 11 I don't know how to take this all in. My older sister told me to look up fatherless children, so I did, and this popped up. I feel I can relate with everything on here, and hope that no one else has to feel it too.
Carole on October 05, 2017:
I am a woman who had a father but lost him in a moment when I was 9 yrs old because he sexually molested me. I now know that emotionally detached myself in that moment because I suddenly didn't know who this man was, and I feared him for the rest of my life. Your description of how being fatherless left you feeling, molded your personality sounds exactly like me. You sound like me, almost to a T. Introverted, angry, letting the anger build up to where you explode. You never outgrow that. I haven't, you described how life is perfectly growing up without a father. A father to nurture you, love you, guide you thru adolescence. Life has always been a struggle for me in the exact same way you described it. And like you, my "friends" are what have been my safety net all my life. But I still and will always struggle with depression, and trust issues, and relationship issues. I've divorced, I've never had children. I could never make the decision to want to have children, I believe because I had such a horrible childhood experience, I just could never get past relating being a child in this world to something "negative" and "difficult". I didn't want to bring in a child to possibly suffer what I had. No, I guess I decided "subconsciously" to end it with me. When you said, "I've spent nearly all my life containing myself ". I'm not a writer, so you expressed in writing what I couldn't. Thank you for sharing your story.
l. scott on September 29, 2017:
Perhaps you grew up without a father because your father had these very same traits and lack of innate or learned coping skills.
K on September 24, 2017:
I grew up without a father and I've always felt a gap in my life. I never had any male role models in my life and it can be devastating. I don't want children If I may end up doing the same to them.
email@example.com on September 24, 2017:
Paradoxically , I always have wished I should have been an orphan or, to loose my parent early in my childhood ... At home, there was absolutely no love around at all, despite an apparently normal family and family life with three kids ... I never had or might have any confidential conversation neither with any of my parents, nor any of my brothers. Every try ended in a betrayal. Though the parents, dad and mom, looked satisfied and proud about their family !!!
This makes I 'm always wondering why the absence of parents (and pecurlarly unloving parents) is considered as an handicap ? Isn'it a lesser brake on development to have no than having some of that kind of unloving or indifferent ones (which I am convinced, must be many) ?
Not that simple on September 17, 2017:
We, all are touched by this fatherless problem, in some way or another, since we know first hand what it feels like, how are we trying to change this?
moeketsi on September 15, 2017:
i grew up without a father since birth.It is hard for me to open it to anyone.I`m a fist year varsity student i need help.
James on August 28, 2017:
My parents split in the 50s, my pop was a drunkard, my mom had to raise us on her own. My younger brother myself and my older sister. Some times our father would come around to visit and our mum would turn on us and say if we love him why don't we go and live with him. Kids dont understand relationships or where the next buck is coming from. My mom tried to have a relationship with me that wasnt all that healthy. It greatly embaressed me, when she told all her friends that i was a good kisser. I was'nt doing well in school, I never did homework as there wasn't anyone at home to help me. I covered up the shakey home life I had. I was angry with both of my parents and still am at 64.
Greg H. on August 25, 2017:
Typically when children grow up fatherless we may naturally think it's due to the father choosing to avoid his paternal responsibilities in favor of filling his life with selfish and hedonistic pursuits. I'm here to say that this not always the case. In my personal story, I've been driven away from having an active, present role in my son's life due to his mother's desire to have him all to herself.
I set up a beautiful nursery and home for him but just before he was to be born his mother decided to take him and go live with her parents. My son is now nearly 5 months old and I've never spent a single overnight with him. His mother has no intentions to ever leave her parents (she is 37) and give him the appropriate family life of a loving mother and father that he deserves. They take the baby out of state to their vacation home for weeks at a time and I barely see my son at all. From the beginning I have always wanted to be a consistent and nurturing father, there for my son each and every day. However, his mother and her parents have decided to make him their own and have severely alienated me in the process.
There are so many reasons why a father may not be a regular part of their child's life. I have been heartbroken over the situation I'm in. All I ever wanted was to be a father and I've been denied that because of the psychological issues of the mother to my son.
soshamoore on July 17, 2017:
hi everyone I was just reading this and it touched me .
I looked up a 1 year old growing up with out a father I am a single mother who has a young son and has no father or should i say left out of state and lives else where yes we could send out child back and forth and everything else but as a mother of 1 its hard to sit and let a man get your child and has lost lots of trust from you and you ask of him to build the trust and he can have him he has to learn to be a fatuer away from his son before his son comes in front of him
but any way ..
it hurts to know that maybe one day the man may never try or my son will grow up most of his life with no father figure and really don't have a choice about it or a say so till he gets a lottle older it hurts me so nuch every day i cry I talk yo my young child and let him know every day mommy loves him and mommy will do her best by her self taking care of him it hurts me cuz i know as a woman I won't be able to teach my son everything it hurts me so so much I just wish and hope any woman who stop and read this or even my long text that you stay strong no matter what and another woman is out here with the sane hurt the same tears the same feeling trying and doing what she knows best.. Thank You and this made me look at things different and ill try my best to alter my life to try and change some of the things that was said above that could happen
mom on July 06, 2017:
This article really touched my heart and I appreciated it so much. So much awesome insight here. I grew up fatherless, and have fought to make sure my son has kept his. Life doesn't always go as planned.
God bless everyone on their path, and if we're able, lets help to fill the void of other young men/women who spend a lifetime feeling unwanted.
Naomy Nyoro on June 22, 2017:
Growing up without a father makes people make unreasonable decisions that are of rage. If your dad left you some kids think of revenge. If you are out there in such a situation don't let not your aim to prove to him your worth for you are more valuable than the world for you have a father that's GOD. Don't waste your time proving your worth let the world know that you are excellency . Don't let your child go through the same situation or another child be responsible for the world security you can do this if you are reading this.
Just a Sad Girl on June 10, 2017:
i lost my dad in 2015 not knowing him because of a stupid car crash and just im so mad because eventually i have to explain to people and this one girl always makes jokes about me not having a dad. And she laughs and i just shrug it off and play like i dont care, but just like the song mockingbird im sad and i want to cry behind my eyes even when i smile even when i laugh. and im just so mad and upset and i really just wanna sit home alone and i cant open up top people about sitting in my roo m at night crying because i dont want them to lookat me different and i have photos ofhim and i talk to the pictures and i think about if he wouldve loved me and ive started to see things and all i want to do is just. talk to him.. sorry for the rant
friend on June 10, 2017:
Thank you--I am pleased you are sober as a priest and I too learned how life is not fair.
RL on June 07, 2017:
I'm writing as a young adult who has known his dad for most of his life. It's terrifying being without him for over a year, but what matters is that you have support from your family (I don't normally share this with my friends at school). This article defines what people like us will be when they grow up- and that is a terrible way of looking at things in the midst of such a deep psychological scar. My advice for all the other kids and mothers in my struggle is this: we are the ones who define who we are. Sure, I get more inexplicably angry and frustrated at my friends without a moments notice. But these things are out of my control. Since last year, I have continuously pushed myself to do even better at school than the years before- I know that this is what my dad would have wanted. I've been getting A's in my honors classes, and although it was hard to find motivation, I just think: what would he want for me? What would he want for my future? Look at this loss as an opportunity to succeed; reverse the mindset imposed by the article. I have since pushed myself to run every day and I am on track to run a sub-20 minute 5K. Knowing that I have that much less to lose makes everything bearable for me. Sure, there are lots of memories and flashbacks that will make you cry, but either you stand and take the hits or fall and quit. In addition to balancing my academics and athletics, I have picked up gaming as a hobby to clear my mind. It's a great escape for me, and for you, this might be meditation or therapy. A life without my best friend is a bit grueling for 15 year olds like me, but knowing that there are others like me is very encouraging and motivating for me.
To all the other victims of fatherlessness, stay strong and always be there for your mother. Really. They will always have your back when you need them. And to all the widows, your kids really do think that you're the strongest person alive, so always be there for them and prove them right.
Alfonso Soberanes on June 06, 2017:
My father was never around. Last time I seen him was when I was at the age of 3 or 4 but now that I am older I just get curiousity of how his character is like. Hopefully some day I get to know him in person and actually thank him for not being in my life because I probably wouldn't have come to be how I am positively motivational onto others as I am now. When the time comes if it comes, and if I have to I will take care of my father once he gets older and doesn't have anyone to help him. I just don't find the logic in hating my father for not being in my life. We all have flaws and are not perfect. Yeah he wasn't in my life so what, there's no excuse for one to not live our life's to our fullest potential.
AREC14 on June 06, 2017:
dealing with the fact that my husband may not be a part of my life anymore due to drugs. we have two little girls 3 1/2 and 9 months... I'm am scared beyond anything that this is going to have negative ramifications for their future... I know life it's always the smoothest climb. I am a teacher, a respected member of society with no background in this life. It touches everyone and anyone. I need help. I need to know my daughters can grow up and be successful while I fight everyday for them.
Vicky on June 05, 2017:
Iren, your comments give me hope for my son who's never met his dad. I worry about him although he's only 3 now. I wish he had a great dad but I'm giving him all I can. I he too can focus on the positives. If anyone has any advice for the single mom, dos and don't, please share. I hope those of you who suffer will find peace and love and hapiness. You deserve it!
0Boy1 on May 31, 2017:
Im fatherless, never knew him, and it makes me feel really alone and helpless when researching "daddy issues " online because hardly anything helpful appears online. It feels like no professionals are working or caring for the scarred fatherless children and teens out there. Its a major issue and getting to be more and more common, yet nobody seems to have a straightforward plan to help people with their daddy issues. It's just frustrating and I wanted to share.
Been there on May 31, 2017:
Kobus du plooy,
I also had problems that I believe stemmed from growing up without a father.
If there's one thing I can recommend to you or anyone in our shoes.....it would be to LIFT.
Start hitting the gym & lifting weights. I did this & suddenly I began to love myself & it gave me the support I've needed all these years.
After I started working out, I began to care about my body so in return I started to eat & drink healthier, getting my necessary amount of sleep. I gave up a lot of addictive habits once I picked up working out. Trust me on this one.
Harry on May 31, 2017:
I'm 35, have very few friends, am hardly social, work as a cleaner, dropped out school and an apprenticeship, have little interest in life and have almost no contact with the rest of my family.
I'm like a boat out at sea with no motor, no sails or no oars. Just there, slowly drifting through life. Waiting to wake up from this dream, hopefully having developed something of myself.
Ronan on May 17, 2017:
i'm just letting you all know that i have grew up all my life without knowing my dad and i don't feel like i have any of these issues. I don't have depression, i don't have anger issues and i am definitely not aggressive.
Kobus du plooy on May 04, 2017:
Hi guys,i never do this stuff.... Just feels like i need to share my story as well. I can relate to alot of not just the articles but comments as well....So i grew up without an dad i had numerous step dads thy come and went but my mother was beaten up by not just my father he was an SA champ boxer back in the day so he broke her nose twice, she always told me this storys of my father being a bad man thy called him "devil" because of his boxing, that was his nickname in the ring. But as the years go by i was always curious who my dad was obviously.. I grew so much hate for any man who lifted his hands to a woman thanks to all the low lifes my mother used to date, i had one wish and that was to become 18 so i could kick the living shit out of anyone who dares lift there hands to a woman doesn't matter how much i hate that woman per say i would disintegrate that male person.. I saw my dad once in my entire life and he was a good man he loved me so much just for that week but my hate and anger towards my dad would never subside.. When i saw him i saw him beating the woman i carried close to my heart my mother.. But yeah i fucked out completely long story short drug abuse used alot of drugs and still am i use weed cause it calms me down and distracts my mind i never finished high school cause we kept on moving around we had nothing i stayed at a bar with my mom for a good 12 years of my life and clearly if you read this post you can see i didn't finish school, im 20 years old but i feel 4 0 cause if been throughout so much shit in my life.. So yeah that screwed up my entire life and im unemployed and my life looks really bad i don't know where life is taking me.. Im depressed if im alone im starting to get alot of suicidal thoughts but thats been keeping me up and running all this time and giving me hope is my real father in fact the father of all of us our creater our molder our reason for opening our eyes in the morning our almighty God.. I can seek comfort by him and i can cry and talk to him without any judgement or pitty.. I know the lord wouldn't have put me on this earth if i was to just fade away... But anyhow i became 18 and i smoked every single guy touching my mom and 2 sisters now 20 and i put my step dad in the hospital foe choking my sister i broke 3of his ribs and broke his bridge... Really not proud of what i did but i grew up in that mind set and im trying to change for the best but theres a struggle between these emotions and i guese that gives me a split personality... But i can relate with the silent anger issue cause im a quiet person in general... But thanks for reading this... And if its of any help for youngh people always try and make the best of youre life every opportunity you get RUN JUMP AND GRAB A HOLD! cause there's some people that don't have that opportunities to make a success of them self.. Be grateful, be grateful for even the smallest things in life.. God bless you all
Bb on April 24, 2017:
I grew up with a big secret around me. My mom and step dad briefly separated and during this time I was conceived and she lied that she didn't have sex with anyone else during this time. I had no clue until I was 25 when I asked my step dad if he was my real father. He firmly said no and he knew it the day I was born. Wow what a shock. I've been living with this emotional hemotoma for the last 30 years. Finally did DNA tests to confirm in 2012. My mom has total amnesia so I have no clue who my real dad is. Wish there was some support groups out there for something like this. Even after all this time it's still very difficult as far as having confidence , dealing with shame, trying to be a good father myself etc.