Psychological Murder: Death By Covert Abuse

Pernicious Abuse

It goes unrecognized but it exists.

It exists on an extremely covert level.

It happens behind the scenes without anyone even being aware of what the problem is; the real problem.

No evidence of it is left behind and no-one has ever been convicted of it yet in reality, what I will term pernicious abuse is something which can have a devastating effect within society. Pernicious abuse can lead an abuser into carrying out acts such as what I will refer to as covert psychological murder, or perhaps even covert psychological manslaughter, and is something which is very real and remains insidious and unrecognized - and virtually unquestioned.

Psychological murder can take many forms but the type I'm really referring to is of a covertly narcissistic and/or sociopathic nature. It's difficult to believe that it happens but it does happen and I've seen it happen.

Narcissistic/Sociopathic (narcopathic) abuse occurs when a narcissist or sociopath (or narcopath) attempts to convince someone who has discovered their unbelievably shallow secrets, gradually over time, that they are crazy and proceeds to manipulate them into keeping quiet or to ultimately face their wrath.

They generally do so by ostracizing and gaslighting the victim while continuing to act out their part, expertly hiding their truly outrageous behaviour, whilst they have everyone else around them fooled - everything is done to appease those around them while their manipulative and controlling tactics only take place behind the scenes, outside of people's awareness. The victim is forced to question their own sanity because they don't even realize that they are a victim because everything done to manipulate them is done outside of their awareness

The longer time goes on and the longer the victim tries to do something about it, the more severe the abuse becomes. The narcissist/sociopath has already built an army of unwitting abusers who all help to drive the victim crazy. The long-term consequences of these actions can be devastating. Of course, there are many other types of abuse that can have just as damaging and severe long-term consequences. However, psychological forms of abuse such as gaslighting, mental rape, slander, defamation and distortion campaigns of a person's reputation are much more subtle and are very rarely identified, at least not early enough.

Narcopathic Abuse

Victims of this type of abuse are commonly left with no resources they can use to escape the situation; the abuser has stolen their finances, their identity and has turned the victim's own family and friends against them, due to the malicious web of lies and deceit that have been woven. The victim is trapped with no way out... or at least that is what they are made to believe.

Although victims go through what can only be described as being dragged through hell backwards, narcissistic and sociopathic abuse via heightened communication is so difficult to pick up on the human radar of perception that the victim is usually left scratching their head wondering "is it me?"

They have been made to believe that they are the problem. Such abusers are so shallow that they may cheat on their partner on significant occasions such as valentine's day or while they are away at a funeral - at times when the victim will least expect it.

Not only that, they will do it with the person the victim suspects the least.... time and time again.

In many cases the victim may turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape. The stress they are forced to endure can be so severe that if they don't find some kind of release in order to feel a sense of escape, they continue to build up with overwhelming tension, anxiety, emotional suffering and may develop an overactive mind which can literally drive them crazy - post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can soon follow. That's not to say that the drugs will either prevent it from happening or even slow the process down - they won't. They will only exacerbate the situation in the long run.

Psychological Murder

The abuser never quits abusing and the victim's self-esteem gets worn down to the core until they go through a process of devaluation, dehumanization and dissociation. The victim has been made to feel that they are nothing in this world, they now have nothing, they now have no meaning and nowhere to go and nobody wants them any more except for the narcissistic/sociopathic abuser who can now use the victim as their emotional/mental slave. The narcopath is now their God.

The process is so subliminal and it happens so gradually that it could take place over the course of ten or twenty or even thirty years or more. The victim knows that even if they did escape the situation the abuser would probably continue to ruin the rest of their life or future relationships anyway and in many cases after the partner has left, the abuser continues to drive them crazy gradually destroying their reputation, their life and their soul - often referred to as soul murder.

Eventually the victim may be left feeling suicidal but commonly they are not selfish enough to go ahead with the task of committing suicide, they don't want others to be left picking up the pieces because they feel real true genuine empathy. For this reason many victims believe they have no choice but to go on suffering the abuse and in many cases the damage is already done.

Some victims may ultimately decide to continue to pump as much alcohol or drugs into their system as they can. This way they can use it not only as a form of escapism but also to slowly kill their self off to the point where they have to suffer the abuse no longer. Others may not turn to substance abuse but may end up suffering fatal medical issues potentially leading to death a result of the pernicious abuse.

Some may have give up on their hopes of escape and may have just accepted things the way they are (conditioned into co-dependence) but unless they are an inverted narcissist, then the stress will eventually take it's toll. Stress is known to cause a myriad of health problems, most of which can be fatal.

Ultimately, the victim takes the knowledge of their covert psychological murder or manslaughter, to the grave which forever remains a secret inside the mind of the abuser.

© 2011 Sparkster Hubs

Comments 80 comments

aZhunter profile image

aZhunter 5 years ago from Northern Arizona

Very interesting and insightful A+

Lisa HW profile image

Lisa HW 5 years ago from Massachusetts

This is an important subject, and I think you did an extremely effective job of describing such a situation. My one piece of (reluctant, but intended-to-be-constructive) criticism is that I can't help but wonder if a title that described exactly what the subject is about a little more clearly might help your piece find its way to a more widespread audience more quickly (and I wish it would).

As someone who has had first-hand experience with a situation that isn't as extreme as what you've described; and which might better be described as "what's describe in the Hub, only watered down a little and spread out over a long period of time (about 20 years), I continue to fight to keep alive a soul that (in spite of having wonderful family and friends, and in spite of continuing to appear to "have a life") that essentially lives in a kind of isolation nobody would ever guess (and that continues to find it harder and harder not to let the effects of what has gone on (with no signs of anyone else recognizing that it has gone on) "reach its core" more than they already have.

Again, stressing that what I've had go on was not the classic kind of thing that you've described (with one individual operating that way, or even with any one individual operating that way intentionally), what you've described in your Hub (minus the alcohol or drug use; and minus even entertaining any thoughts of suicide, mainly because I have enough fight and self-esteem not to be willing to let anyone/anything drive me to that point) sure rings a lot of bells for me.

Your Hub is one I would like to see all kinds of people read - not just victims of this kind of thing, but the people around them. You're right: People are more than likely to go to their graves keeping the secret of what they've done (if they even realize they've done it), for any number of reasons.

Unless and until a person or two sees, acknowledges, and clearly has a rough idea about what a victim of this kind of thing lives with (and I'm far from being "the victim type", by the way), the victim doesn't stand much of a change of re-building himself/herself "back to the real him/her".

VAMPGYRL420 profile image

VAMPGYRL420 5 years ago from The Eastern Shore of Virginia, Maryland and Delaware, U.S.A.

I have been on the receiving end of one of these abusers. I was lucky enough to find my way out of the relationship three and a half years later. However, the Post Traumatic Stress lingers indefinitely...Thank you for such a well written hub on a subject many do not give a thought to.

Love & Light,

Windy Grace

sparkster profile image

sparkster 5 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thanks for the comment, I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of this kind of abuse (I have too).

VAMPGYRL420 profile image

VAMPGYRL420 5 years ago from The Eastern Shore of Virginia, Maryland and Delaware, U.S.A.

Thank you ;) I did, however, learn a great deal from the experience. It sounds as though you did, too. Although the lessons were unpleasant, they were well learned and must be avoided in the future.

Love & Light,

Windy Grace

lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 5 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

Great article. This type of abuse takes place more often than we think. Especially with children. A psychological death, to me, is worse than a physical death. Thanks again for your insightful articles.

somethgblue profile image

somethgblue 5 years ago from Shelbyville, Tennessee

Interesting concept, However as a recovered alcoholic, one might use that excuse to perpetuate the alcohol and drug abuse and use the victim mentality to justify their behavior.

People write about what they know and that seemed like an excuse for being a victim, on the other hand being aware that there is a problem is the first step in recovery.

I have put myself in similar situations and blame nobody but myself, I found that often a geographical separation can give one the sense of starting over and I'm not talking about living in a cave, unless it's an entrance to Hollow Earth!

Sparkster 5 years ago

Great comment.

sarah 4 years ago

How does one recover from this or escape from this?

sparkster profile image

sparkster 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Sarah, obviously the point of suicide is the point of no return. If you have this problem then you need to do whatever it takes to get away from it. That can be difficult and sometimes virtually impossible. I intend to write some articles of advice for people in these types of situations very soon.

Scuba 4 years ago

I had a friend who was a narcissist. I read his behaviour and realised he was turning me into his slave. I had to drop this guy making me lose heaps of friends in the process. This experience caused me to develop cptsd which is mow cured. The problem is that I have forgotten who I am and now am paranoid and find it hard to trust people. People with this disorder need to be seperated from society!!!

sparkster profile image

sparkster 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thanks for the comment Scuba, indeed complex-PTSD strikes after suffering this kind of trauma for long enough and that's something I've also had to deal with myself.

bobs85 4 years ago

This kind of abuse is all to real. I almost lost my life when a child to escape the abusive attacks. I'm near 50yrs old now and am still being abused,isolated,and defamed by proxy. The difference is now the N abuser shakes in his shoes when in my presence because he knows I am not the little kid of long ago and I have his number so to speak.

sparkster profile image

sparkster 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Thanks for your comment and support Gail. Good luck with everything in your future, I hope it all goes well for you.

pisces 4 years ago

Thank you so much for this article. It is absolultely spot on and I hope and pray you were not a victim, although I suspect you were.

I am the victim of this (up to the point of feeling worthless and beginning to be alcoholic). My mother is a covert narcissist and possibly a socialpath as well. I suffered a shockingly awful childhood of abuse. She manipulated my father and brother into abusing me mentally also. I was shut off from everyone (homeschooled though my brother attended the local school) and had no friends. We lived on a farm, so nobody was nearby. When I was old enough to get a job, my parents took the majority of my money for board and I was also made to be the housekeeper. What I had left, I had to buy absolutely everything of my own. My mother continually told us we were all insane and should be shot. She continually told us she was the only sane person on the planet. I married very badly, very young, just to escape, but it didn't work. I married a self-loathing, violent fool who fell instantly into my mother's clutches and perpetuated the abuse against me. When he raped me and I left, my mother took his side and has always said I made up the whole thing. In my experience, there is a whole level of delight the narcissist gains from the cruelty they inflict which is not covered in any article.

Sadly, many people will never realise what has happened to them. I was on of the lucky ones, though I was over 40 when I discovered it wasn't me that was the problem. She tried very hard to break up my marriage for over a decade.

I was vicitmised by my mother, father & brother. Sadly now, my father is her supply and has become like her. The only way I could protect myself was to distance myself from them, physically and mentally. We now only communicate by email where her evil messages cannot be successfully delivered.

GAL - I read your post with horror. You MUST get out. Nothing is worse than staying. I can promise you that things will not get better. You must leave. Go to a shelter in preference to staying. Nothing "out there" is worse than staying. Absolutely nothing. Please, please leave. Your husband is mentally deranged and beyond help.

That is what people don't understand. Narcissists are very sick, mentally deranged and extremely dangerous people masquerading amongst us as normal people, but they're not. They are the ones that need to be ostracised and alienated, not us!

ixraykiddos 4 years ago from Indianapolis IN

I was married to a narcissist as well. I am still trying to break from his grasp two years later. It is hard. He did push me to a suicide attempt, and got the children. I am still fighting for them though sometimes I wonder why since they are turning out like him since they are with him and his narcissist english wife (whom he met while he was married to me). I miss my kids something horrible, but they are abusing me just like their father, especially the oldest one. I want to get them help but he won't hear of it.

Michelle 4 years ago

I feel sorry for the person who posted that alcohol and drug abuse as an excuse - or possible one, due to this no-less than legal killing. People who've been so abused that they are on the brink of death need help, not criticism. Your articles have been absolutely brilliant! Thanks for exposing great truths!

stillhere 4 years ago

I have been living this entrapment for years. I have fought to get away not even knowing what I was trying to get away from. Believing something was defective in me while being a productive successful citizen of society.

My life just kept flipping back into the clutches of this mess.

When a child grows up with this and your parents appear to be functional, you trust them to a degree and believe in their views until you start realizing something isn't right and it may not be you.

The more I realized this, the more questions I asked innocently and the more facts I found accidently which left me the keeper of the secrets. This is a dangerous position to be in with these types of narcistic people. They will destroy everything you are to protect their lies. You mean nothing to them.

I have apologized to my mother for being alive, being me, having anger more than I have apologized for any and all slights in my life combined. I've asked if I was an abortion gone wrong. I have lived my life trying to identify what was wrong with me or my life and it has just grown with relationships I have chosen as somehow you become prey to these types as they sense the grooming your family of origin has already done.

I am physically unwell and was a successful business owner after all of this and single mother of a beautiful happy daughter. We have had our lives destroyed in the past 3 years by family court due to a father who is using this child as a pawn as I wouldn't succumb to his control but by God those courts handed him our lives on a silver platter and allowed abuse to be reigned down on me and my daughter enforcing all the emotional abuse I had worked so hard to fight. It's a sick cycle and I now fear the next generation was not to be spared although I will die knowing I gave it the best fight I could.

My heart and soul is torn apart. To imagine bringing a child into this pain and the chain not to be broken is just unbearable. My mother the puppet master of this abuse while I always thought it was my father who did much of his own has her clenches in deep. I hold her secrets.

I have sought help my whole adult life beieving I was mentailly ill. The general diagnosis I am hearing is PTSD which I have earned. I wear that badge proudly as the trauma I have experienced far exceeds what most would believe. But no bi-polar or worse of which they lead you to beieve.

I cannot tell you the fight I put up while trying to understand. I am strong but tired.

Knoweledge is power or just more confusing. For sure it is validating.

I am sorry for anyone who has been the chosen family scapegoat. It's an awful position.

I am hoping my daughter has tools I did not as I have loved her completely. This is something I lived without so maybe all my education regarding this and the foundation I laid for her will give her the strength and tools to make better choices than I.

ymb 4 years ago

The problem I am having is I used to suffer from severe depression and most of my friends from my previous life had no trouble taking the side of the narcissist. It is so unbeleivable that the narcissist was so good at manipulating. He actually shoved me to the ground in front of a girlfreind of mine, and she told him he was a jerk. But when we finally split apart she denied it happened and took his version that I fell. I have no more girlfreinds because of him. But, even though it really hurts and I wonder if I am crazy, you know I realized they weren't really my friends to begin with and have decided to find true friends. I still suffer from PTSD just reading this article made me feel like I was crumbling inside. Even when I read these articles, I still blame myself and think I am the pshycho and everyone else thinks so. I had to delete my account from Facebook as he was becoming friends with people I was friends with. He threatened me that he would trash me all over facebook and when I would read comments I would read way into it, because it seemed as though the comments were related to discussions me and my abuser had in the past. I was becoming paranoid and distrustful of others. I am in counseling and slowly learning to trust others one person at a time. I get mad at myself when I hear how good my abuser is doing and just wish he would fall flat on his face. I used to not be that way I used to wish the best for others no matter what bad they did.

sparkster profile image

sparkster 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author


Thanks for your comments. You are most certainly not alone. Your words echo the experience of many victims including myself, I used to feel to exact same way. I have also had similar problems with Facebook and friends, etc. Many of us know all too well how extremely difficult it can be to deal with these situations.

The most important thing for you to do at the moment is to forget about everyone else, forget about the anger, forget about the lies, deceit, abuse and/or whatever else you have experienced, forget about what other people think or believe and concentrate on you, your own life and getting yourself back on your feet.

If there's one thing I firmly believe it's that the truth ALWAYS comes out in the end. It could be 10, 20 or even 30 or more years before it happens - but it does happen.

All the best,


ymb 4 years ago

A really good thing is I found myself actually praying for the narcissist and it came from God because there is noway it came from me. I beleive it came from the Holy Spirit because it was prayers for his good. Also, realizing from deep within that my friends are also victims and they just don't know it. They don't know they are being used and manipulated by him. I came to a point today that I was miserable holding on to all of this anger and bitterness and am becoming like him in that realm and I so don't want to be like him. To me victory will be forgiveness (forgiveness without a relationship with him ever again) all it took was a call from a friend of his. A call I did not answer, but it was enough to put me into a tailspin. I am changing my phone number. Thanks

ShalahChayilJOY profile image

ShalahChayilJOY 4 years ago from Billings, Montana

hhhmmmnnn, it's a very good thing that the God that sustained me through this very kind of abuse never left me and eventually got through to me, I was not the problem. Only my mom was not a narcissist, simply a woman whose mental, emotional, intellectual development was arrested by Roman 'catholic which means universal' condemnation and control.

Annah 4 years ago

Both of my parents are not only malignant narcissists, but alcoholics. They've thrashed me in every way you can imagine, and still do it (I'm almost 46). I'm working toward no contact, but it's not been easy. I've severely limited my contact with them and their response has been typical malignant narcissist, rather than a healthy one. I refuse to engage in this insane behavior, for my sake, and the sake of my son!

Omg 4 years ago

I am going through this rollercoaster hell right now from a narcissist and all its done is bury me in depression for ten years. He's signed up for family court recently to try and take my daughter away from me, called child protective services to paint me as a bad mother. I just cant for the life of me get rid of him. I pray to God that he gets better and stops because it never ends. It's to the point I want to start over and move somewhere else out of state (is this considered kidnapping - I am her custodial parent she lives with me?) I cant take it anymore.

sparkster profile image

sparkster 4 years ago from United Kingdom Author

Omg, if you have custodial access then this is not kidnapping, not in any sense of the word. However, whatever the courts decide goes.

Do NOT tell them you believe he's a a narcissist or anything similar, as this can be devastating for your cause.

lizzy 4 years ago

I saw my beloved, beautiful, precious, soft, loving daughter destroyed by a narcissist. She died. Whilst she was fighting for her life with cancer after spending 16years of emotional torment with him.And due to his prolonged covert abuse of me during all that time and especially whilst I was trying to deal with her fight for her life, I was involved in a car accident that should have killed me. Some (especially him) believe my car accident was an attempted suicide.

This is the reason I googled "can a narcissist emotionally kill another person.?"

I would dearly apppreciate support and help with this.

Gayle 4 years ago

I am writing about my daughter and dealing with her NPD partner. She would always say stuff about my daughter that was negative so I would think more of her for telling me. I feel hook ,line and sinker for her and believed she had my poor daughters happiness and safety at heart. Three day's before they were to committ and had a wedding planned and don't let me forget to tell you the majority of people coming were her friends and family. Her female gay cousin from San Fransico came to be in the ceremony and that night she wouldn't anwser her phone or texts. My daughter and there best friend that lived with them( now remember I said that) went to find her as they were planning to go and celebrate at the local bar. She came up to where she said she'd be and looked in the window to see her kissing her cousin but just before the kiss she zipped her pants and wiped her mouth. I guess there was a history of insest in this famly. of course, all broke up wedding called off and she told everyone my daughter was crazy and that didn't happen and so on. The weekend before this she was completely rude an condisending to me and my daughter. I knew she was up to something. The relationship consisted of her keeping my daughter debit card and drivers license in her wallet. Controlled everything about her and told her she gave her the world as she was gaslighting her. My daughter's self-esteem and confidence was shot. She used the bestfriend as a weapon against her and all her friends are gone. They were her friends first but I completely believe she was telling them things previous to the that she had all these problems and was a problem and how wonderful she was to her. Her step mom wrote to me and told me that she had been trying to break up there marriage for years by doing thing adn had a long list of dramatics to draw attention to her. She wished she had come forward sooner as she knew my daughters gentle and kindness would be used and taken advantage of. She was married for 3 years previous to a guy and found out she had him get a vasecomy so she would have more sex with him and didn't. She laughed about it to my daughter and thought it was funny. She also would take his pay check and spend it the way she wanted also. Very cold and calculating. She also works for her dad and has control of the finances of the company so she does have power to throw anyone under the bus if she wants. It's been 3 years and my daughter is just getting past the depression and beoming the kind, wonderful person she was with some self- esteem. Good luck to anyone who has encountered this. It is a living hell to over come.

Gayle 4 years ago

To Lizzy, I'm sorry for what you went through. I was lucky enough to have a close relationship with my daughter and I believe it kept her from committing suicide. It was close sometimes. When she was with this partner 3 monthes before the ceremony she told me she went to the doctor and got anti-depressants and said for we to watch her as the side effects were suicide!She said this with a small smile on her face. I asked if she was o.k? The partner said"that is so dumb shes on those". I believe the smile was because she was afraid of the other one and down played it to protect herself. I have talked to her about writing a book about her private hell of loving someone and using that again them. I completely believe it is possible now. Good luck and please heal yourself.

Kalexis02 3 years ago

Recently, someone sent me this article. I wished I had received it sooner then I did. They asked me if I wrote it because it described my brothers relationship with his "wife". This article describes it exactly! She was always putting him down, nothing he did was good enough. She tried to manipulate my family anf their friends into believing he was a terrible person. He did everything she asked to make their relationship work. She cheated on him on their anniversary with his best friend. Then moved out because she needed space. She left him with their 2 children, one of which is terminally ill. He sunk into a depression and started drinking. My family would work hard to support and help him as much as possible. Everytime he got back on his feet and started to enjoy life again, she would call and destroy him. It turned into a daily occurrence. Sadly, After 2 years of mental torture my brother committed suicide. The "wife", who had been sleeping around for the past year, played the poor mourning widow. Narcissistic is an understatement, sociopath may be more appropriate! So I urge anyone reading this, thinking it doesn't happen, to think again. This is a real phenomenom and it has left us without an incredible, caring, thoughtful, loving man.

Concerned 3 years ago

I believe that my ex is in a similar situation. She is being electronically harassed and stalked by her psycho neighbor. I believe that he has an electronic lock picker because some one keeps getting into her place even after the locks have been replaced. Of course his parents are also her (My Ex’s) landlords.

He is a known pathological lair and drug addict. He has stolen my ex's pain and bi polar medication on very regular occasions and she says that he threatens to put her in jail if she does not just give him her medication! (He is also a narc for the local corrupt police)...

I have always thought that my ex was just over exaggerating or trying to get me involved in her life again, through fraud or deception, because she is also not one to be trusted. However, after reading this article I am starting to think there might be something real going on here!

This person has taken control of her cell phone, her Internet, all her computers, all of her on line accounts, and made her email and Facebook un-accessible to her. He regularly impersonates her in malicious ways on line and causes complete hell! He even has a spy app that puts out text messages from her! There is no way to prove it though because they are both crazy so it is really hard to tell what is true and what is not.

I have recently started to become victim to this harassment as well! It seems like this stalker has broken into my cell phone acct and shut off my services making it look like my ex did it. When I confronted her she says that her service has been messed with as well only the emails said that it came from me! This is making me severely depressed and I can only imagine the negative effect it has had on my ex.

There needs to be better protocols for online security and law enforcement needs to take these situations more seriously!

Guest 3 years ago

My heart breaks for you all.

The article WOW, I have never read such a chilling article in my life.

Psychological abuse is really sinister, and in some way, more creepy than physical, although all abuse is very serious.

This part particularly sent a preverbial shiver down my spine.

"The victim takes the knowledge of their inflicted psychological murder to the grave which forever remains a secret"

Bobbie Jo McHenry profile image

Bobbie Jo McHenry 3 years ago

I just lost my son to suicide on March 4, 2013. He was 24 years old. He was in the marine corps and married for only 2 1/2 years to a Narcissist. I read the book Know ayour Enemy and it was like I was looking at a picture of her right before my eyes. This was a case of psychological murder. When we first met her, she was the sweet, innocent girl that anyone would want for their son. After he came back from boot camp we all noticed little things. After a year, it was to the point, he was isolated from friends and family. She put him into debt and wouldn't give him any of his own money. She was a pathological liar, and always pretending to be sick. He would stay on base most of the times for peace of mind, and she would manipulate him back and start all over again. My son is not here because of her. We are in the process of meeting with NCIS (through the marine corps) regarding his death. My family is beside ourselves over this. The ironic thing too, my best friend lost her son 3 years ago to the same psychological abuse he received from his wife. Her and I were up until 3am looking for answers or help and ran across this article and I mean we looked at everything you can imagine. This was the ONLY thing we ran across that has described our sons death and what they have gone through. Thanks for listening and one day soon our boys stories will be told to the world of what horrible pain a suffering they went through and how they were psychologically murdered.

Anon 3 years ago

ymb says that her narcissist threatened to trash her all over facebook, in my country you can get arrested and sued for just offending someone on facebook!

willnotbebullied 3 years ago from Milford Haven

This explains my exact situation, i will not be bullied any more

Anonn 3 years ago

Both of my parents are Narcissists, the father being overt and mother covert. For the last 2~ years I've been living away from my father which at the time was seemed like it would make everything better, which it did until the covert abuse went into full gear.

I was, metaphorically, standing up to find I was pushed back down. This went on most days to the point I began seeking escape via drugs. I started smoking cannabis all day everyday for over a year, during this phase I had not a care in the world and the covert N begun showing her true nature (because she couldn't "touch" me) till one day I realized the abuse. She took off her mask and I saw who she truly was, a rage-filled child in a 50 year old woman. On that day when I called her out she called my father to "talk", which was an attempt to lure me back into their thrall. It ended with him going into narcissistic rage. It was NOT a good day for me..

Since then however, my life has started to become bearable.

I don't smoke cannabis daily anymore and have become, albeit my social phobia and avoidance personality disorder, more social and trusting in my self. It's a psychological battle everyday as I am still living with the CN, seeing the truth rather than being trapped in unending pain and confusion, some days being worse than others.

During my highschool years I was strongly encouraged to take the loser/rebel/black sheep role and for a while I was following this path because at the time I really believed I was the problem and was evil. That is until the day I tried LSD, not to advocate using drugs as a way to "get better". I felt like a baby opening their eyes for the very first time to the world. After that day I started becoming more normal, I started dropping my old beliefs about myself and the world. This and many experiences later with psyclobin/mescaline I feel I have truly begun to heal my true self.

Nothing is fixed.. Nothing

Stay strong friends, much love to all sufferers of NA.

marie 3 years ago

This is why she killed herself. I was supposed to be next. I'm out now and safe but I can't stop thinking about her. I never met her but I am the only person in the world who truly knows who she was. No one, not even her closest friends or relatives believed her. She suffered unimaginable torture for 25 years until her youngest became an adult. She was determined to survive long enough to make sure her children were safe. No one knows this. Her friends, family, even her kids blame her and are angry with her and see him as the saintly, self sacrificing, grieving husband of a mentally ill woman who committed suicide. I am the only one who knows and no one will believe me. My heart breaks for her and her children.

Vi 2 years ago

My daughter committed suicide 8 days ago. She lived the life you described. He controlled her, pushed her family away. He told her he didn't love her anymore, that he hated her. He told her he was leaving her , packed and left. Knowing how she was vulnerable, week, NOT her own person anymore. She devoted her life, desperately tried to be the "perfect" wife...but he just kept beating her down.

I miss my daughter, while she was lying in the funeral home he was out at a bar with his girlfriend. The whole time texting his mother in much he misses her. The guy is a naracisstic monster!!!!! Does he have to get away with murder??????

Gail Meyers profile image

Gail Meyers 2 years ago from United States

Sparkster, as always I enjoyed reading your hub. It is interesting food for thought within the context of dealing with a parent or spouse with narcissistic personality disorder, but I also wonder about this within the context of a larger group of people targeting individuals.

OnlyFools&Horses 2 years ago

Really enjoy reading this post because it ticks so many boxes in my own life experiences. My elder brother put me through hell from the age of 20 up until this very day where I am now 43. Using all of the clever techniques of covert manipulation. I nearly took my own life but quickly realised that was exactly what he wanted. It's scary that so many people in this world would operate like this, I wish we could put them on their own planet where their minds exist.

I lost my marriage, home, business and was left with a damaged career path, bad credit rating and a case load of emotional baggage, however after many years of recovering, I have stared death in the face, heavily drinking to slowly kill myself, hoping that if I become terminally ill in hope that I can exact my final revenge without being locked up.

He is probably more scared of me than I am of him, afterall he has created a monster in me, one which he can no longer control. I see him as a sad and pathetic fool who's ambitions extended not only to become wealthy but ensuring he can run me into the ground at every opportunity.

I strongly recommend all of you to keep clear of people like this, it will never get better and it could cost your life. I pray for a justice that may never come, but should I be alive long enough to see my brothers soul float by I will celebrate for the rest of my life.

Bobbie Jo mchenry 2 years ago

It did cost my sons life. I lost a beautiful sole because if this narcissistic abusing wife he was married to. I know I can't bring him back and I will miss him forever. I just pray that she doesn't get anyone else in her web.

Linda Hoffman 2 years ago

7 years after leaving a politically connected bully....he's still trying to back my into the insanity he declared of me when I left him 3.10.07, he's now enlisted some of my family members to break in and has made mom a victim of a"ca probate murder"article that summarizes events Very Well! No one is exempt. My question: isn't there a law on the books that makes this illegal?

Jmcaul 22 months ago

at one point I considered ending my life as the only way out of my anguish. It was only the effect that would have had on my children that stopped me. I considered ways to make it look like an accident and then one day had an epiphany and that was NO! If anyone's life should end here it should be the abusers! And since I am not a killer...well. That was the end of that entire line of thinking.

Margaret o Neill 20 months ago

I will just add, that at the point the abuser has sucked the will to live from the victim, at least in my case, the low life then relentlessly hounded me to commit suicide!

Xavier 20 months ago


Michelle 19 months ago

Welcome to my life!!!!!

GSVictim 18 months ago

This article outlines something that has been happening to me for quite some time now, except that it is being done by a group rather than a single individual. What I am speaking of is an evil thing taking place in society today called gangstalking/organized stalking. This is a type of harassment whereby the stalkers act as a group to track and follow someone around utilizing various electronic devices such as cellphones, laptop computers, etc. Through very subtle means that the victims have been slowly conditioned to recognize, these stalkers let the victim know that they are in fact being stalked. Over time, this has a very deleterious effect on a given victim's mental and emotional state.

Although before I became a victim of gangstalking I may have been able to be categorized benignly within some type of DSM-V classification, I have now become very agoraphobic and very anxious around people and public places. Before this started I had no problem going about my business and could deal with normal daily interactions in what I believe most would have considered to be a normal and socially acceptable manner.

I knew a woman who completed suicide as a result of this high-tech stalking and harassment. This woman was legally blind, possessing just 15% of a normal field of vision. If she wanted to focus on any particular object, she would have to look at it indirectly, seeing it only partially in her peripheral vision. This example of this group harassing a legally blind woman to the point of suicide should horrify most people.

I think that perhaps this group is using this type of stalking and harassment to get rid of whoever they feel are the undesirables in society. My lady friend was legally blind. I was born with a birth defect/deformity for which I have had corrective surgery, and I suspect that many of the targets/victims of this crime have something that this group does not like.

Is this a new Nazi uprising to create their fourth reich? A menacing cult such as the Co$? Something else?

No doubt many who are not victimized in this manner will scoff at what I have just said. Nevertheless, I will never retract the fact that I am a victim of this crime, and it has caused me great suffering and loss.

Some things simply have to wait for God's judgment day, and unfortunately this seems to be one of them.

buck shine 18 months ago

this describes my mom sadly…at 52 and surviving cancer …..the psychology books have helped me unravel her sneaky soul crushing ways. Thankyou for making public a painful and tabboo rare breed of human

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Chuck Fasst 17 months ago from Portland, Oregon

I like this term Narcopath that you use. I think it aptly describes the malignant, psychopathic Narcissist. The type that breaks the laws of man and morals. The type that murders the souls of their victims who are usually the ones closest to them. And the ones who cross the line to actual murder. Maybe this would be a good term for me to use in my hub series about narcissist murderer Christian Longo.

Katie 17 months ago

This article explains the relationship between my mother and I. The part that really got me the most was the depersonalisation for one... I experienced that odd feeling so many times before I went no contact. It was as if I had completely lost touch with myself and no longer knew who I was. Also, the part about pumping yourself full of things that will kill you so you don't have to put up with it anymore. I never drank or did drugs. My drug of choice is food and I have been pumping myself full of it even though I have a heart condition. But I have a lot of pain still, I go over it in my head sometimes after years of no contact. It's just there... And eating not only numbs it for a brief time but also I think deep down I want to be gone so that I don't have to feel this pain anymore. However, I'm getting better now. I am living quite a nice life now and I'm feeling better about myself. Each day I feel I'm getting a little better :) I'm learning a lot and I am firmly on the road to recovery. Thanks for writing this article. It has been very helpful but I'm sorry if you have experience with a monster too x

Melinda Stevens 16 months ago

This is a very good description of the abuse! I wish everybody was aware of these creatures but unfortunately, most ppl only become aware after we're been abused many years & start searching for the answers! I, 2, would have committed suicide had it not been for my son & knowing he'd then have nobody! This article is spot on & really expresses the seriousness of the abuse! Great job!

ShameNoMore 10 months ago

Thank So much for your article & to many brilliant YouTubes on subject of Narcissism. One man brilliantly describes the many many covert tactics my narco Mum used till I went No Contact only 2 weeks ago following a similar suicidal ideation that was So powerful until my terrified cowering Inner Child broke out and I started to deeply try to love her into wanting to live. It all followed her usual sick cruel tactics of 'Thought Policing' me, then 'Hoovering' me so I'd return; then Triangulation with the other Scapegoat. Others that

helped me in this very very hard but life-saving time of deep and terrible isolation & being low were just to watch Fellow Survivors (cos that is what we are). I wish I could mention my fave YouTuber's: one man who recently left a link to your article. He is my fave as he mentions all these covert things the narc in our life has tried to do. He gave the madness in my life a name (such as "Ghosting", "Boat Anchor, Clouding, Smearing, the Golden Child, Triangulation, Gaslighting to name just a few of the insiduous tactics used. Listening to these helps me become the observer and not the absorber. Becomming the Observer is not my idea but that if R. Rossenburg, writer. The start of my journey was my lovely Empathetic Dr saying listen to a certain Ted talk on "Vulnerability & Shame. That started me off watching YouTube continually as I cannot go out yet as my confidence has been so fractured. There is comfort in my fave survivor video: a man with a New Jersey accent(?). There is something wonderfully healing in his presence and voice as I lie here alone, isolated and desperate not to break my 0 contact(2 weeks in). I have no family left due to triangulation and smearing. I kind-of-know that Im not the bad person she insinuates I am: as Im an ex Terminal care nurse/healer/empath & I've kept, from my old job, families' Thank you cards! Im awaiting psychotherapy to deal with Attachment trauma. Up till this stage I was so brainwashed by Mother that I always had Narco partners to blame it on & not her. But she was always in the background shaming me for having yet another failed relationship. I stopped all love entanglements then got straight to the heart of this: my cycle of craving a Love without strings I had never known but continually finding the only kind of live I'd known as a child.

Thanks dear dear writer for writing what I feared and felt: that I had been "mentally raped". You Sparkster are great & courageous. Like Michelle; I too was upset by the arrogant(?a narcissist herself?!) Comment around drugs and alcohol...blah, blah "Not Victims crap" that heard so so much of in AA! Had to say that. It takes real courage to face the Truth: as Brene Brown says in the famous YouTube(4million viwed it!)...that TREMENDOUS power comes out of the Vulnerability that some label, as just being a"Victim". We who have suffered deeply and Silenced with Covert tactics have often been silenced from childhood: so speaking out and getting Support here is Life Saving. Yes; I too used alcohol & sadly; that too was used against me. Interestingly since smashing down the Shame; through brilliant articles and help like this blog; I actually drink very little but I have had to go "No contact" & change all contacts to get my life back. If any action defines a Survivor & putting a stop to being a victim it is this. We are Survivors and very very brave and I love you all. Please please try to leave the Narcopathic Abuser if you can. In Bristol UK we have "WomanKind" who have safe houses but you also have us Survivors here who want to help. You are not mad or bad but in a state of CPTSD as I am right now. Together we Can do this. Self love lots and lots of it...going out to you all.

Sleuph 9 months ago

Use a smartphone. Take a good solid day and take pictures of everything in your house. After that, take picturesc of evrything that moves, or that catches your eye. Use your intuition. Put the photos into online storage. You never know what patterns will emerge.

Liam Sanders 7 months ago

I am the target of gang stalking by my parents, and previously four years of workplace bullying. The goal is absolutely to bring about my suicide, and they've recruited an army of followers to carry out their evil plan. I've lost nearly everything already, and they're so powerful and well-connected that there may not be any escape for me. They've made me homeless once already, and they'd have no problem making me destitute. Please see my blog below where I'm documenting my experiences.


Hbomb 5 months ago

I had thought to myself many times that he is trying to get me to kill myself.

Soppy Ristovski 4 months ago

The more I live it, the more I see, the more I see and reflect back on my life and the more I read blogs like this one the more I come to realise and know and the more I know the stronger undefeated I stand. I knew this was not the life I needed nor did I deserve the treatment I got, you could say every time I fought back it was for my life, for survival, for my sheer existence. I tried to brake away, I even kicked him out but every time he manipulated his way back, he was like a parasite, I actually called him a leech many times, latching on and sucking my blood, that was said and other things long before I new anything about what a Narcassist is, I just new things by my how he was and my life was, now I am reading things and just connecting the dot's it all makes sense, yet even though it makes sense I can not retionalise how someone can be like that.

I was very wrong for allowing myself to have children with this man as he has been grooming them from a very early age, I have been realising that more and more as they became adults, certain things that I was told that dad said about me and also the way they turned out, they are more then most daddy's children, and they too I feel are more and more like him and each other, and I see it so clear, and now I know why I used to say they are so predictable and also used to say you know one you know them all. They to are the Narc's and abusers in their own life and towards me and everything is my fault, nothing I do is good enough and they, manipulate, gaslight, are vey self absorbed, users and abusers Jackel and Hyde personalities that you kind of always have to watch what you say and do so it doesn't get turned around and blow up in your face, they are also like boomerangs, Jack in the box come and go and punish with no contact not even with the grandkids until they decide to come back into my life, which can take a year or two even tree, few have done it. They are very egotistical,grandiose with entitlements, place conditions on my love and just want want, with nothing to give back in return.

I had a heart attack 3 years ago, and although most of them came and visited in hospital and showed some signs of caring, one stood out from the rest, my second youngest daughter didn't leave the hospital almost for the duration of my stay. But the funniest thing it's these years since my heart attack and during my recovery that several of my children and especially their father that showed more aggression and resentment towards me then ever, it is like even my voice echoes in their head, they get on guard defensive and aggressive raising their tone and voice towards me. Their father and I will not call him my partner because he is not, and even though we share the same house we have been sleeping in seperate rooms for several years, see his plan backfired on him as tried to discredit, demeaner and destroy me, actually strip me of everything and kick me out, or at least break me so I would cave and fall under the Kings ruling, his thumb and do as I am told. He made up this story in his head that I played up on him on this certain Occassion with a carpenter that we used number of times over the years, he insisted he had proof, pictures had me followed by detectives and even he followed me, well he told everyone including the kids, at his workplace all over the country as he is an interstate truck driver. Well he also went to the department of transport and transferred the car from joint names into his name, he also opened up his own bank account and had his wage go into that account instead of the joint account, he told the kids about this affair that I apparently had, and that he would slash my throat, he also told them that his intention was he was plotting to kick me out of the house, he did not even leave me funds nor did he care that I had no money for food or my regular heart medicine, if it had not been for this daughter I mentioned before that stuck by me I don know what I would do, well I also applied for Centrelink as we are not a couple and had not been for some time we are just very intangled financionally, a while later I got approved for funding. The way it is I would have to leave the family home that I have been living in for 16 years, and go where?? he was never domesticated, it was me that worked hard, renovated the house, landscaped the gardens maintained the property and raised the kids almost single handedly and made our house a home and try to provide some normality into a family life when he wasn't around, which was a lot that he wasn't around due to his work, yet he had a much greater influence on the kids with his manipulation and playing the victim. Plus he would rather see everything go under then part company amicably, he plays games there too.

This is all after my heart attack, so much for empathy or any care and concern, not many showed any, and if they did it was very short lived.

The thing is I know him only too well unfortunately, better then he knows himself, I knew he was irresponsible with bill's so when he faild to pay the rego on the car and it lapsed I got it registered in my name, of boy did that rock the boat for a long time he was very angry that I outsmarted him, yes he did pay the mortgage and some other bill but I and the daughter started paying the rest as he felt he is almost never there so is not liable, so if the power got cut off not his problem as some of the bill have been in my name since the house was bought. I told him, I know you and I am now always one step ahead, as I said it is predictable, he transferred the wage into the joint account several months later after he blew thousands of dollars on gambling and whatever else he wanted, set us back with bills and now he is being dormant until the next time, but I only pay bills out of his account and that is it, I support myself with food, clothes, my med's etc we don't even communicate like in talking, he doesn't ring me and I dont ring him even though the phone call's between us are free, when he is at the house we keep away from each other I try and go out of the house most days when he is around, it is only a matter of time now, because this too is no life, and he still manipulates the kids and situations etc and the kids are mean and the same as him well like I said most are, the thing is they were my life, I have no one, because of the way life, not only did he isolate me/us me as an individual, us as a couple and a family but I did too because I refused to be embaresed infringed of other people, plus the Narc's make friend easier then what they can maintain them, he was also a jeleous possessive and abusive alcoholic, so that was a put off as I started getting accused of sleeping with male friends, he would also talk about our personal issues and his lack of sexual sets faction with others including our kids to some degree, or they would hear things we were discussing or arguing about, as to him no didn't mean anything and it was never enough, I was his possession his sex slave, so I did not wish to socialise with society for a large number of reasons. Some of kids are in a way the same in that area also, there is no shame, no embaressment and no boundaries, no wright or wrong, lawless no rules, couple of the kids were involved not with alcohol but with drugs also, so their rational was even more out of whack.

Anyway this is a small part of my life and a 40+ year relationship with a Narcassist/Sociopath/Psychopath with the devil himself and his offspring. I don't even know how to love my children any more as they have insulted me, degraded me called me so so many names that is almost unforgivable, I love them because they are my children and I tolerate them at some point because of my grandchildren, but I no longer feel a bond with most, I feel like I am so alone in a crowded room and do not even feel like their mother any mor.

shamen 3 months ago

This is a very accurate description . This is also called organized gang stalking. If you google, You will find a lot of articles related to this topic. This is done in a group environment. This is not done by just one person.

Bonnie 3 months ago

I really resent that, once again, suicide is labeled as "selfish".

Having been down that road, I can tell you that at the time, a person is thinking that their absence is the only thing that will make life better for their loved ones. The one last positive thing they do after feeling useless and hopeless for so long.

Suicided takes courage. It is not selfish. However, you seem to think that substance abuse is a better alternative. Having lived around that, as well, (not me) I can strongly state that dealing with an addict may be the worse thing in the world for loved one.

sparkster profile image

sparkster 3 months ago from United Kingdom Author

As far as I can tell, nobody said that suicide is selfish and it's certainly not a selfish act. It's an act of desperation, as is substance abuse. Neither one is better than the other seeing as the main goal behind many people turning to substance abuse is to eventually commit suicide anyway albeit in an easier way. But, with substance abuse, there is no immediate death and help can be obtained in time before any serious damage is done.

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grand old lady 3 months ago from Philippines

I want to thank you for having the courage to write an article like this. I know the difficulty that can come, the unearthed pains when writing about something very personal. It turns out, so many others have the same experience, and judging from the comments, you gave them a voice.

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal, yet so important to many people who would not otherwise understand themselves better.

tererocca 2 months ago

I cried with every word of your post, as it seemed to tell the story of my life. However, as a survivor of a serious suicide attempt following 29 years of abuse by a narcopath and the mother of a son who took his own life, I'd like to tell you that there is nothing selfish about suicide (on the contrary, the suicidal person often thinks that he/she will cease to be a burden to her loved ones). The decision to kill oneself has all to do with hopelessnes and unbearable psychic pain, which I think most of us who have fallen prey to a narcopath are unfortunately familiar with.

LaMiCa 2 months ago

This is real. Great article but although I could identify with every word of it, they are so many people unaware of this situation. You truly start to doubt yourself when the abuser is surrounded by people you once considered family. I suffered in silence for too long and my children watched me helpless in understanding what was happening...why would someone who claimed to love me be so horrible. No matter how committed or sincere I was to preserve a relationship with the abuser for my children's sake, the abuse was constant. I have lived through it to tell my story as well as to try to spare my children from repeating or receiving this level of abuse in their lives.

Tymmkindly 2 months ago

Dear Mr. Hubs this has been happening to me for the last 5 years. They are trying to kill me can you please help

From Korea 7 weeks ago

This can happen regardless of culture, gender and wealthiness. My ex-partner was a covert narcissist, which now I can identify using the terminology. I was trying to understand her because I believed we were raised in the different cultures. However, there were many red flags as the symptoms of lack of empathy and emotions. The only genuine emotion of her might be the full of resentment or the innermost rage, or the huge black-hole inside her mind. To hinder my observation on her, her parents were rushing into the marriage and brought many dramatic situations, and attempted to brainwash me to wipe out my value system. Therefore, I couldn't simply ignore their "intended" mishaps. Not after a few months, I had real physical symptoms caused by unwanted stresses. The stresses were not like ordinary ones but purely caused by her fluctuating (like a bipolar) moods or "double-binds". I was thinking of committing suicide and my heartbeat was irregular and the other body was not functioning well. She recommended some medicines to cure my symptoms with the kind letters, and I couldn't understand what's wrong with myself. After I decided to get divorced, yes, it turned out that she hided the huge amount of debt before the marriage, the symptoms were gone, but still remaining some traumatic ones yet -- fortunately they are manageable. I was a kind of lucky because I didn't have to be financially exhausted (early-detection worked) and didn't give up the existing relationships with my parents and friends, which were being threatened by her alienation on me.

Dinesh 6 weeks ago

Really great article...

Anna 5 weeks ago

Well, I can make this easy for you.

I am a current victim of this type of torture. Not only are all of my electronics hacked and compromised, I have endured bullying and hate crimes over the course of my entire life, and I grew up in a super safe part of town at that time. From impulsive behaviors on my end to being bullied, to being exposed to violent films at early ages outside the home, to being exposed to lesbianism, to cars being targeted, and keyed, and stalked for wrecks upon wrecks, I finally gave up with my first DUI at 19.

No one in my community believes me and would prefer to write me off as mentally ill, but I am not. Schizophrenics do no hear voices over the course of their entire life, as I have. All plans, relationships, and occupations are ruined. Identity and forms of identity continue to be stolen, and I continue to struggle to find meaning in my days. I would do anything for someone to help me.

Tracey 5 weeks ago

Best description of this type of abuse. I was with an attentive quiet pleasing man fir six months I was happy, although something did bother me about him but I felt guilty for not quite trusting him.

Then he began to mention my clothes, my hairstyle and suggest I get my nails done or have a shirt blonde haircut.

I didn't and his hints became demands which i chose to ignore.

He began moaning "oh everybody loves you" and "you're just doing what you want"

Finally he withdrew but kept me hanging (I'm sure he was grooming a new victim)

The final straw was a monumental rage which lasted for hours in public, he ignored me was kissing other women, texting in another area of the bar & showing off.

He wouldn't let me leave, my car keys were at his home. On the way home he walked ahead at speed telling me "I think it's best you leave as early as possible in the morning"

By this time I was frozen inside, a complete mess, I felt raped & very unsafe.

I slipped away as soon as I could, he grunted when I said goodbye.

Two weeks later he's parading his new girlfriend to my friends on FB

Two months later he wanted to swop us ! I swerved meeting him which he wanted just to "talk". I've received doorstep deliveries cards and flowers, he's told me he's very ill and misses me. If I go off script I get raging messages. The stalking has not stopped in all of this time, he is still in a relationship with my replacement.

It's tragic because she has changed her hair, style, posts endless sexy selfies & looks so sad in her eyes.

On reflection all of his other partners have adopted this boyish look dressed up but going nowhere of any value just his local pub with his drunken lame friends.

I'm spooked by what I experienced, spooked at the metamorphism of his girlfriends into these cropped baby blondes with skin tight cheap clothes, so out of place in his envirment.

He is so ugly & so boring yet the most dangerous person I've ever encountered.

He was diagnosed after his marriage collapsed, naturally he failed to educate me his family did after the abuse of his wife who all fear him.

keh1016 5 weeks ago

Sticks and Stones, but actually words CAN hurt you. (See? people can get offended just by the caps in the word can which I do not intend).

Thanks for the article. People don't realize it. I have found its not just kids that are bullied by their peers, they are bullied by their parents-even as adults, belittled and/or gaslighting. Verbal abuse is verbal abuse, and the victim should not be put on stand, be accused-simple as that. Unfortunately the reality of it is, it is not and affects the bullied victim.

Sleeping/Living With the Enemy

You see movies/shows on people with narcissism (its not just about the exterior vanity, the inner imbalance of self esteem, the ego) and like the mentality-the focus is shifted to all about them. But, what about the mentally abused? Where's their movie/story? I think they have yet speak out loud because whether or not aware they look the other way when verbally abused and don't say a word. But, I have yet to see that perspective in films. Whether in relationships or movies, the focus is always shifted back to the narc.I have tried to see the other side, why and put myself in their shoes and always go back to I am sorry you have those values, those should be yours, not mine and what makes you so special?

Hasn't been diagnosed, I'm not a doctor so how would I know right?...

I know it, I live it. I am in the middle of a conversation, they slam the door open/call on the phone saying what is on their mind. Now, if I did it that would be wrong. Neither I, nor the person I am talking to, addresses the total disregard that person has for others and we don't say what's really on our mind which is, "Excuse me we're talking here." Then, we end the convo and walk out of the room. That person blames me, says im wrong and never takes responsibility and says why can't you?... and less tactful, nastier to me by the day. In addition, I think the person I was in the middle of having a convo with-they are denial of what is going on unless the covert acts more overt.

Oh yeah, you're never wrong, perfect right?...

Now, So far, I am 100% positive someone I know has it and what is sad is how ignorant they don't even know what a narc is. Subconsciously they identify and empathize with that kind of character-(the only empathy ever expressed otherwise they don't know how). Now, whether or not they are aware they are a narc i I half believe they claim they "Don't even know what a narc is", "Ooh, that's a big word, never heard of it, what is it?" b/c they refuse to read/have an open mind/learn anything new and go on with the same old same old.

I won't be tied, Sever All Ties

But, there is an untold story here it is psychologically-physically killing the victim. Suicide is such an internal conflict due to the verbally abused whether the abuser is a narc or not. People don't usually speak out and say "You're hurting my feelings" or, why are you like this, Why is tearing me down so important to you". But, I won't be tied down, I won't end up tying myself to a noose. I will sever the tie and cut loose when the time comes. If you want to cut me, I'll cut you and your future influence on me and others out of my life. That's what its come down to.

Jenae 3 weeks ago

This happened to me. Groomed from an infant in my own family this article was a Eye opener for me.i am still recovering from the damage done .held captive for 27 years used as a sex slave raped every day.locked in a house .in my mind unable to make any choices outside of the abusers desires for mother went along with it .i do not have any contact at all with my mother or father is in prison for life and mother continues to further the abuse of me .i am 55 now .

Thomas 2 weeks ago

So Any boss you or I will ever have is commiting this crime, when they retire or die another just takes their place and the cycle of abuse continues.

Wes Walter profile image

Wes Walter 2 weeks ago

I lost my daughter last year to this exact form of abuse with all these very same elements. If I wasn't there the last year of her life and documented it, it all would have left as just another "unexplained suicide". The simple fact is ,even though I was there, I failed to understand what was happening to my daughter though it was happening right before me. This has compounded my grief quantitatively .

To date I've come across the families of three other young woman who appear to have suffered the same form of extreme, insidious , systematic psychological abuse ending in death. These victims are literally tortured to death. How it is that this can go on unaddressed by the criminal justice system I can only surmise. I am left to only try and explain what has happened to my daughter's two little boys someday.

Nm 2 weeks ago

This is how I feel. I keep running, looking for safety for me and my daughter, then I was fired. I am tired and scared. She is better off without me as she wouldn't be a target. If she finds her own escape that is her choice.

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Wes Walter 2 weeks ago

I see no difference in this versus killing someone by slowly poisoning them to death.

judewolf 2 weeks ago

I just went through this. Though I know suicide is painful for everyone involved, and that dying with such emotions means having to deal with them in another dimension, the only thing stopping me now is my dog and cats.

Just a little while ago, I was thinking of ways to harm myself, and i was crying till i choked on my own tears saying "I did not do anything to him to deserve this". Then I felt very calm very quickly. I wish I was more ignorant or less spiritual. The pain of knowing better yet not able to stay is excruciating. I don't even know why I am writing here.

Please don't tell me not to do it. Just help me figure out why i feel inclined to take my life when i should know better.

Holly 2 weeks ago

I need to believe, that the truth will out in the end, be it ten,twenty, or thirty years, only then will I ever see justice.

Nami 9 days ago

I thought the article was excellent. However I think that it was wrong to give judgement to the victim losing their will to live after such horrific abuse. This is not a selfish act.. I know the pain of losing your sense of self and the segregation, losing all of your friends and family and purpose feel8ngs. It is very hard to go through it. I wish to give victims hope for survival through awareness and deep understanding, knowledge and validation. We as victims of these vicims demons don't need to be judged any further. We are sisters and brothers to those that have been in the dangerous liaisons with the malignant narcissitict. Take that out of this article. It does no good to call the victim selfish. If you inputted the info because many victims come to that point. Then raise them up out if their despair by tell8ngbthem others have felt the same and they are not al9ne. That there is hope and we must learn about the psychological warfare the malignant na4cissits plays to be vigilant and separate ourselves from their tactics to brainwash us.

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sparkster 7 days ago from United Kingdom Author

Where does the article state that losing their will to live is selfish? I wrote the article and I have been at this point myself so I would never want to judge anyone in such a way or portray that such an act is selfish. I'm sorry that it came across that way, it certainly wasn't my intention. Can you please point out where the article states this and I will edit it? Thanks. 7 days ago

I love this article about the subtle tactics that a narcissist may use to abuse you. I have commented on another article that you have written - Defamation and Character Assassination. I am currently writing a book about my journey of healing from my toxic situation. Please email me at in regard to citing your article(s) in my book.

Sani 3 days ago

One of the MOST PRECISELY described situation that I have read so far. Thanx sparkster

Expanding Consciousness!...

There are also videos by Ross Rosenberg which I'd like to mention, even tho there is no better understanding of this than that of the individuals who have experienced the Cluster B's directly :

1. How to Defend Yourself from Narcissists. Observe Don't Absorb Technique. Stop the Manipulation!

2. Codependents and the difference between Active and Passive ones

Squeaky 2 days ago

"Eventually the victim may be left feeling suicidal but commonly they are not selfish enough to go ahead with the task of committing suicide...", fourth paragraph from the end. You did not directly state that the act of suicide is selfish, but more by inference in the context of the sentence; I noticed it as well, as I had gotten to that point myself before I got out, and read it more or less the way the others commenting on it did. Perhaps another word in place of "selfish"?

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Terese Kimberly 24 hours ago

Author wrote ; Quote "Eventually the victim may be left feeling suicidal but commonly they are not selfish enough to go ahead with the task of committing suicide, they don't want others to be left picking up the pieces because they feel real true genuine empathy" Unquote.

If you have ever been in this situation, you would never connect the word "selfish" with the word "suicide(attempt)". When someone is at that stage, it is a matter of hopelessness, helplessness and desperation to end suffering, and neither you nor anyone else has the right to judge how much suffering another can endure. I have been there and all the while that your article is very informative and well written, I feel deeply offended by the superficial way you write in the above quoted.

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    Sparkster Hubs (sparkster)459 Followers
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    Sparkster (Marc) Hubs - Writer/Researcher on Mind, Science & Conspiracy. Author of Know Your Enemy: Reflections Of NPD.

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