Being a Loner in a Social World

Updated on April 20, 2017
Being a Loner
Being a Loner | Source

I'm Nobody - Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - Too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a Frog -
To tell one's name - the livelong June -
To an admiring Bog!

Being Unsocial in a Social World

My whole life I've been told that if a person doesn't want to spend time with other people then there is something wrong with them. My family forced me to socialize with my classmates, and I believed that that is what I was supposed to do. For decades I was depressed and just accepted that as part of myself, believing I couldn't really be happy. Then one day I decided to spend a few weeks away from people, just to hide away for a little while and rest. I was so happy. I never thought anyone could be as happy as I was while I was alone.

Why Am I Writing This?

Social people make up far more of the population than loners do, so some people reading this may wonder why I'm writing to a social world about being a loner. Society tells everyone that they have to be social, that the only way to be is to interact with other people in meaningful ways. That's a lie. It's a lie that everyone has to be social and is supposed to enjoy being social, and it's a lie that kept me from happiness for twenty-seven years. The lie is so pervasive in society that people may find it unbelievable that a person can be happy being alone. So I'm getting the word out. While most people won't be happy being alone, some will - and the ones that will are being told that they won't.

The truth is, being a loner is a preference just like everything else - some people like eating meat, others don't; some people like playing sports, others don't; some people like being around other people, others don't. If being alone is a preference that you have, it is beneficial to accept this and build your life around it as soon as possible.

Benefit of Discovering the Joy of Being Alone Early

Some loners accept early on that they enjoy life more when they're alone. Other loners are born into social families that have trouble understanding that they want to be alone and they like only having a few friends. This society is made for people who are social, so navigating the world as a loner is sometimes difficult. But if a person discovers their preference early, they can develop skills to make living as a loner easier. For instance, there are several jobs that require socialization, whether as part of the job description itself or as a function of the work environment. The earlier a loner discovers their preference the sooner they can begin developing skills that are useful for professions that require little interaction with other people. Writing has been called the loneliest profession, being a pathologist or a lab technician limits the worker's interactions with people, working in information technology is notorious for being loner-friendly. I work nights to limit my people time.

My Journey to Becoming a Proud Loner

I didn't easily come to the conclusion that being a loner is the life for me. My whole life my family told me that I had to be around people otherwise I wasn't normal, there was something horribly wrong with me. I believed the lie for a long time because it's a message that society spreads as well. For years I agonized about spending time around people, stressing myself out over having "enough" friends and spending "enough" time with them. It took almost three decades before I realized I wasn't stressed out because I wasn't spending enough time with other people, what was stressing me out was the time actually spent with other people. I wasn't living my life the way I wanted to live it, I was living my life the way I was told I should live it.

For those who are loners and for those who aren't, always remember that you are in charge of your life. What people think doesn't matter unless you are hurting them. Whether you're a loner or gay or Wiccan or atheist, this is your life and you should live it the way you want to.

Why I Love Being a Loner

Being a loner has definite perks for people who can stand to be alone for extended periods of time. Nearly all of my free time is spent only doing activities that I love. I have plenty of time to read and write and listen to music. I don't have to worry about making time for all the activities I enjoy, the time is when I'm not at work (and even sometimes when I am at work). My family would accuse me of doing "nothing" while I was alone, but the truth is my life is filled with joyous and mentally-taxing activities whether other people are there or not. Sure I watch television, but when I'm alone I also do puzzles and read and play chess against a computer. No activity suddenly becomes meaningless because there's only one person doing it.

Being a born loner I was never too concerned with what other people think of me. I was never the most popular person in school, so I had no status to lose. This set me free to do what I enjoy and not worry about being viewed as a dork. I watched Garfield and wore whatever clothes I wanted. I didn't really think about it then, but looking back I'm really glad I was never popular. I would have missed out on a lot of activities that I enjoy if I had been obsessed with how people view me. I'm also more independent than the average person due to my plentiful experience with getting along without other people.

What Not to Call This

One of the reasons loners are viewed as "wrong" by society is a lack of understanding about what it really is. People use the word "antisocial" to describe loners without understanding what it means, just knowing that it's bad. Antisocial is not the same as unsocial. Antisocial means harmful to society, unsocial is just not wanting to be heavily involved in society. There is a big difference. Antisocial Personality Disorder is the psychological disorder that is colloquially described as psychopathic, and being unsocial isn't actually a big part of it. People who are Antisocial usually ingratiate themselves into society and are, in fact, very sociable. If a true psychological term is to be used to describe loner behavior, it would be Avoidant. This won't be completely accurate for all loners, though, because Avoidant Personality Disorder is distancing oneself from society due to anxiety. While some loners have anxiety disorders, not all do.

The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus

For prospective loners who aren't sure if the loner life is the life for them, I highly recommend this book. If you're already one of us and proud about it, you are sure to like this book as well.

© 2012 Marigold Tortelli

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      Mike 2 days ago

      I am a loner as well its how i feel the most comfortable but i also enjoy friends when i have them, probably because i am short i am only 5 feet tall and all my life so people think i am wierd no one wants to date me, so i am constantly alone

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      Marcus Lundgren 7 days ago

      I'm 41 year-old man.

      I'm pretty much as much of a loner as anyone can be without

      being forced into solitary confinement.

      I used to enjoy having a few close friends when I was younger (never more than 3), but if they had somewhere else to be, I couldn't care less.

      The problem I face today, as an adult, is that, in addition to being a natural born loner, I also suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder (which you mentioned), which has made me extremely sensitive to criticism and judgement.

      I don't like myself, and I don't like being criticized by others, because I take it all as confirmation of how worthless I am.

      So it's easier to just hide away and not deal with life.

      So yeah, even though I sometimes feel the need to talk to someone for a few minutes, whereas I had no problem doing so in my younger years, today, I never leave the apartment unless I absolutely have to, so I'm forced to be alone due to my mental illness.

      That's the worst part for me. I have no problem being on my own as long as it's my choice. But I feel as if this disorder has robbed me of that choice, just as it has robbed me of so much else in life, and that's very hard to accept.

      I've never been able to hold down a job or date or have intimate relationships with anyone. No one has openly expressed an interest in me, and even if they did, I wouldn't feel worthy of it.

      Up until the age of 14, I was just a loner and fine with being one. For the next 27 years after that, I've been a loner and a forced recluse, and that's very very different.

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      Con 11 days ago

      I’ve been a loner for as long as I remember, it brought me peace but it also brought me evil “solitude breeds evil” more evil than peace, I never chose to be a loner but I sorta prefer it but when you invite people out and verytime you have done they say no and this gets me overthinking about a lot. I convince my self I’m going crazy and this is why no one wants to hang with me. I have one or 2 friends. But I hardly see them ever. being lonely can make people happy but for a20year old guy who has been lonely since day one it is driving me mad! I don’t even feel comfortable in social situations. I meditate quite frequently, solitary brought me spiritual guidance, id like to think I was one with nature and the universe. I guess I replaced my social life to be with the universe and nature.

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      Sarah 4 weeks ago

      I have always been a loner, since I was a three year old, as far back as I could remember. Other kids bullied me and that pushed me to be a loner even more. I do socialise, but year after year, I socialise lesser and lesser. One of the reasons I chose to be a loner is a combination of shyness and my inability to tolerate low IQ and unintelligent people for long periods of time. I can pass easily for an extrovert, someone who is outspoken and opinionated. Nobody could understand why I was a loner and they forced me to socialise. I loved swimming alone, going to the gym alone, shopping alone and doing almost everything imaginable alone. When I got into my first relationship, my ex never understood why I wanted to be alone a lot. I haven't been in a relationship for over 10 years and the main reason is hardly anybody understands my need for loneliness and solitude. I was diagnosed as bipolar and suffer from depression. I ate myself into obesity to repel a lot of people and I push people away whenever they come close to me. I have also been used and abused by people althroughout my life so I refuse to be friends with people easily, especially other women. But I find my loneliness and solitude diminishing over time due to having to look after my extroverted autistic younger brother who shames me for being asocial despite the fact he has been very badly abused by people althroughout his life. I hope to achieve my dream one day of living off grid in a tiny house on a rural countryside where I only interact with people as needed.

    • Nadia Ribadu profile image

      Nadia Ribadu 2 months ago

      Christopher, I am so sorry about your struggles and pray that you really do enjoy being alone. You have dealt with a lot. I have this un-asked-for ability to keenly feel other people's pain. I really wish I wasn't as empathetic as I am, especially since I'm powerless to help others. I do what little I can. I'm a loner, too, mainly by choice. Cannot stand the upsetting drama in which people seem to bask. I can only cope in conditions of harmony.

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      Christopher 2 months ago

      I've experienced social anxiety not only because of my Aspergers but due to having dealt with childhood trauma as a toddler, and then emotional abuse from people that weren't my mother. I never really had anyone to teach me things, and growing up I grew to distrust people greatly as by the time I turned 16 my anger festered into a rage as I felt so out of place in the world I live in. At 171/2 I was later confirmed by my mother and stepdad to have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I denied it at first then all the pieces fit together and I accepted it. My last year of high school a year later I still kept quiet about my Asperger's despite the fact I didn't know that I was the only person in my high school who had the disorder.

      It doesn't matter know because in time i'll overcome my social anxiety one way or another. Nowadays I find myself enjoying spending time alone despite having a roommate. Thankfully my roommate who's one of my best friends understands my need to have time and space to myself.

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      Matt 2 months ago

      Sounds like denial sorry just being honest. I enjoy being alone because it's much less stressful. However I experienced life without anxiety my first 17 years of life. It was magic. I'm now 38 and lately I've been making better choices in my life like getting fit and learning to play guitar. The better I feel about myself, the less anxiety I have around others and in general. Make yourself talk to people and get comfortable with it. You must overcome social anxiety to truly be happy. Love yourself, you deserve love we all do.

    • profile image

      Curtis 3 months ago

      I'm a loner myself and don't have much of a desire to even date. I'm kinda shy and don't talk much to women. I do but it's more because of my job. Once I go home I stay home and don't interact and only when I need too. I'm not a social person. The last girl I was with wanted me to be more social, but it wasn't in me. I try some but it makes me uncomfortable and I back off now it's just me like it used to be and I think I'm more happier being alone than worrying about someone else. But I go back and fourth on it.

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      Lexi 4 months ago

      I completely get you when you say that your parents have forced you to be social in a way, mine also wanted me to be social but now that I'm older I do see where they were coming from, but I choose to be by myself because I am happy this way.

      I even believed my former best friends of over 10 years were my best friends but they were really just using me so that they could be social and once I stopped going out with them I felt so much better.

      Just because this is part of my story, I am gay and my friends have been my support system my whole life, but I found that they were pushing me towards relationships that were just no good just so that I can identify as gay. Because according to them if I wasn't in a relationship I wasn't allowed to identify as gay...or whatever their weird way of thinking was.

      Yes, I have also never had a romantic relationship even at 25 years old but that is okay because I am happy with myself either way. I have also had gay friends, but I found them jumping into relationship after relationship with less than good quality people, and I did not want that for myself. Even if it takes years, I just want a good quality person in my life, and then I might consider a relationship but I do not want one for the sake of having one, nor do I want a friend just for the sake of having a friend. If I am going to have relationships or friendships, I want them to be good and each person putting in 50/50 effort, because in the past with my friendships I felt that I was putting in 90% and they were only putting in 10%.

      Many people mistake me for a selfish person who does not like people, but after having a friend who tried to tear me away from my family, get me to spend all of my money on them and tried to get me to force me to take drugs with them, I can say that I am better off and happier in my own company. My family tries to convince me that not every person is like this, but I have only come in contact with people who are. Just happy taking a long break from being social!

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      Eve12judie 4 months ago

      Sibling abuse is what caused me to become a loner. I used to be very extroverted as a child but when I reached 12 years of age I found myself changing from extroverted to introverted and my older siblings bullied me for being introverted, and solitary things that made me happy they hated. Because of that into a shell and didn't let other people in. The bullying I endured from them still affects me to this day

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      lotuswithbigleaf 5 months ago

      I agree with *Happytobelonely* (by the way I guess you're happy to be alone) that socialising and talking with people can be draining. To me,both physically and emotionally.

      Entertaining people is physically very tiring and having to listen to crap/having to put up with it makes me feel emotionally drained when I get to be alone. Feeling emotionally drained is the most debilitating feeling ever and it takes weeks to recover from one such episode.

      Therefore,the best decision is to avoid socialising at events where there's a large crowd of family or friends. I feel that people are becoming more and more pretentious so the less small talk the better. I find small talk is such a waste of time and is pointless as well.

    • profile image

      GyanAdom 5 months ago

      It is so good to hear others express how I've felt for more than 6 decades.

    • profile image

      lotuswithbigleaf 5 months ago

      Very few people enjoy being alone but I do very much. I do not like visiting and do not welcome guests either. However the general society do not understand us and think we are lonely. In fact,society should feel sorry for those who are afraid of being alone.

      These people always need somebody to do any activity with - shopping,exercise,watching movies etc They are unable to shop,eat,attend the symphonic orchestra or play a game alone. It's easy when I shop on my own bcs I go where I like. If you shop with somebody else it always ends up a wasted outing bcs in the end it would be just buying the other person's stuff. I don't like to be hurried and I like to slowly choose what I want to buy.It's easy eating alone bcs you just eat what you want.

      I find drinking a cold beer while eating a meat dish and watching the waves rolling into shore as the best alone activity. It's enjoyable reading a book alone or watching a drama/movie online alone. In the cinema just laugh with the crowd if you're alone. You do not need to be distracted by a friend sitting next to you. Just watch whatever movie you fancy.

      Travel and tour agencies should arrange for *aloners* to travel cheaper. They always charge more for singles. I find it easy to travel alone bcs we choose what we like and do not have to bother about anybody else. If I want to drink coffee I do not have to bother that somebody else wants to look for a tea house.

      One reason I avoid friends and family is bcs of the things they say which can be very unsettling. I used to get upset after attending a gathering of friends or family so along the way I decided that spending time alone or with people of like mind is the most productive. It's such a waste of time to listen to gossips and to mind other people's business.

    • profile image

      Happytobelonely 5 months ago

      OMG! This perfectly described my life. I don’t like socialising or talking to people. It drains me. Makes me overthink. Adds drama to my life. Being alone is the best thing ever. No one around me understands that. They think I’m weird. But my happiness times are when I’m alone . And I love it. But off late.. due to the people around me..I’ve been feeling unworthy..since I’m not social , I don’t do the things that they do..but this post made me feel better about myself and made me realise that this is what I want.

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      Joao 6 months ago

      My friend please read "thus spoke zarathustra" from nietzche. Good article. Um abraco

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      Pat 6 months ago

      I have been "loner" all my life. As a child when I was growing up I really didn't have any friends and I really didn't think about it and just went did my own thing. I travel & learn about the city I lived in. In school, I didn't really fit into any of the groups of people I did knew and I didn't fit any sports stuff and when going to school dances was not fun either. I just thought maybe people didn't know I even exist. As I got into my teens, I had found out that I was raised in foster homes and that made me feel even more of a loner. As of today, I am married with a grand daughter but I do not see much of. Our daughter talks more to her mother than me and I can understand that... but lately I do feel more and more of being loner & independent within my own family. I still do my own thing.....

    • profile image

      Karl 7 months ago

      Welp my parents give me no freedom. Yipee. And nobody understands me wanting to be a loner.

    • profile image

      David 7 months ago

      Being alone gave me the chance of putting things into perspective. Meanwhile trying to be sociable for almost all my life I always felt an emptiness... I've struggle for a long time and still am today but I realized it is all a question of perception. To be able to enjoy ourselves in our truest form is one of the most beautiful gift people. Our world cannot be define but yours can plz don't be sad for your own sake.

      Joseph if you read this hear me when I say: you are not weird, not at all I feel you brother!

    • profile image

      Joseph 7 months ago


      I'm a loner but hate it. It's not because I was brought up to believe that being a loner is bad. My parents actually tell me it's okay and it's not a big deal. I have no friends literally. Currently been friendless for the past three years since i was 25 (Now I'm 28).

      It's really depressing. I go to work, come back home, eat, play playstation/watch TV shows, go for Jujitsu practice then home and that's it. I always want to enjoy activities with friends like going to the beach, jet skiing, hiking, etc. You name it and I feel like I am burning precious days just sitting at home. I am socially awkward too.

      Girls get bored of me easily that I just gave up with them, even though I am handsome (looks don't matter - trust me guys). I end up paying prostitutes for sex. I have a lot of money but what the heck. Even the prostitutes have attitude problems but with others they show fun and interest.

      I don;t know how you guys manage but I hate it. I hate being a loner not because somewhere inside me believes it is wrong. I believe it is okay but I just want to enjoy good time with people.

      I hope you guys understand.

    • profile image

      JAMES 8 months ago

      I am an introvert. I enjoy activites as a loner, jogging, reading,

      listening to music and going to the movies. I am am unfortable around a crowd of people. These are the reasons I enjoy being alone.

    • Nadia Ribadu profile image

      Nadia Ribadu 10 months ago

      I don't really why we feel we have to defend ourselves as loners. Most of us don't bother anyone and don't make the world worse than it is, so what can be the harm? As long as being a loner isn't synonymous with being a sociopath, which I certainly am not, then we should never feel--whether someone is making us feel defensive or not--that we have to defend being loners.

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      Tsephanyah 10 months ago

      I am married to a very social person who after 4 years is starting to understand that I do not want to surrounded but a ton of people. I like being alone and maybe enjoy 2-3 people but for the most part I love silence. People drone on and on about things that are either mental suicide, or their latest conquests. Blah blah blah. Hate it. I do have a few friends but they are chosen for their uniqueness. I like it when my friends can sit in silence and enjoy each others company, without feeling uncomfortable with silence.

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      another loner 11 months ago

      Praise to every one of you loners for I'm like you. After all, this world needs more people like you.

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      phil 21 months ago

      Congrats for having the guts to express your thoughts. I know exactly what you feel like when you say you often felt guilty that you weren't more sociable. I know I felt this way when the mental health professional I was seeing told me my life would be richer if I lunched regularly with my co-workers, as well as showed up four pub nights every few months. But because I much preferred to stay home and read, I never followed his advice. Still, I always felt guilty that I didn't. We in the west have got to stop making people feel that they have to socialize to feel fulfilled.

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      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 21 months ago from Philippines

      Thank you very much. I have spent my entire life as a loner and feeling I was wrong. Of course, in time we choose to be alone anyway. But it's nice to feel validated.

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      forcedLoner 3 years ago

      Liberitus Hollywoodus also known as THUG is an obnoxious beast. Taking

      injury to insult when its young and surrounding beings are maldeformed.

      It will actually take the pursuit of an applied Liberalized Christianity

      imperialism, treating the maldeformed subject as a form of pygmy

      Neanderthal, incapable of rational thought or direction. THUG will first

      signal disapproval to the perfumed tribe with a borage and series of

      clockwise and counterclockwise gristled howls and proceed to thoroughly beat

      the maldeformed subject indian styled into complete submission. This

      emaculization is perceived as doing 'good work'. The pummeling consists of

      releasing hordes of medication, utter lies, sickly applied criticism,

      and may even resort to actual physical blows. When the subject is at a

      state of overwhelming sadness, Liberitus Hollywoodus is most robust. If the

      subject itself is resilient, THUG will repeat both signaling the tribe and

      reapplying the beats. A lite slander that the subject is aware of

      may need to be applied to achieve this 'good work'. One note should be taken,

      to perceive the maldeformed subject as okay is to thoroughly ruin

      Liberitus Hollywoodus dogma of perfectus sidewalkus, the purity of

      beautiful people. To say that one is proud of the resilience of this

      pygmy Neanderthal, should be seem as thoroughly disgusting,

      a form of Doomsday indeed to perfectus sidewalkus, and former THUG will

      be stripped of all recognition and receive a sentence of heavy slander

      and libel.

    • Nadia Ribadu profile image

      Nadia Ribadu 3 years ago

      I'm more or less a loner now by choice, though I didn't always WANT to be a loner. I found that I was always alone no matter how much I tried to belong. There was always something which singled me out from others, whether it was my opinions on most things, the way I look, carry myself, speak, etc. I'm also no perfect, but at the same time, I constantly moralize on everything. People have called me inhibited and conservative, and when they learn that I don't drink (never have), don't do drugs, don't need to get high or have a buzz, or sleep with someone soon after I meet him because I can, or that I'm a homebody who loves crossword puzzles, to read, to debate the issues of the day, I find myself forced to be a loner, because despite my appearance, all those things make me unattractive, apparently. Therefore, I can relate to the article. And the more I think about the fact that people love drama and hate peace and goodness, the more I find myself feeling comfortable with my inner serenity, in my solitary state.

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      Howard Schneider 3 years ago from Parsippany, New Jersey

      Wonderful Hub, Marigold. We loners aka introverts are incredibly sensitive and in tune with the world. That is without the trappings of social butterflys. Thumbs up.

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      Joseph 3 years ago

      I'm a loner and a lot of what he says is true. I don't have a lot of the problems that social people have. I not shy. I don't get embarrassed. I'm more interested in programming than socializing and that will probably be helpful in my career. However, team work is important. Nevertheless, you don't have to love socializing to have good team work. My mom is a loner but she always thinks carefully before she speaks and she doesn't say anything unless she has something smart to say. On the other hand my dad is a loner and he's infamous at his job. Despite this he got a million $ in stock by creating a sentiment analysis program and they both get payed over 100,000$ / year

    • profile image

      mv 3 years ago

      I am a loner and I am so happy being with myself.I have been spending time with myself and people very close to me and realising what an agonising waste it was when I tried to be like the sociable people.I love the article and the comments.

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      Robert Levine 3 years ago from Brookline, Massachusetts

      "I have never known the companion that was so companionable as solitude."--Henry David Thoreau

    • JoanieMRuppel54 profile image

      Joanie Ruppel 3 years ago from Keller, Texas

      Thank you for educating me on this subject. I am the social type and knew there were people who prefer to be alone, but didn't really know why. You helped me understand and as it turns out, I have a new acquaintance who is a loner. This was very helpful!

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      Barbara Walton 3 years ago from France

      A lovely reminder that there is more than one path to happiness. I'm so pleased that you found yours.

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      ebf270176 3 years ago

      I´m a loner too. I think that when a person follow the spiritual path it requires silence, meditation and distance from society. check out my article, please.

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      Sandy Mertens 3 years ago from Frozen Tundra

      I guess you could call me a loner too.

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      khound81 3 years ago

      the biggest discoveries I have made in life and the best friends I have made in life are simply because I am a loner that still loves the world. had I been a social person, many of the good things in experiences in my life would have never happened.

    • profile image

      candy47 4 years ago

      I'm a loner! I go on vacation alone, I eat at nice restaurants alone, etc. I call it 'channeling Greta Garbo'! Very nice lens!

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      mstcourtjester 4 years ago

      Awesome lens! I often joke about calling my self a hermit. I enjoy being by myself as much as possible. I do work in a very public job, working with people all day long and I am married. I do enjoy being with a few people at times. But, I enjoy being alone for the most part, as much as possible. It gives me time to focus, read and better myself.

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      Barbara Walton 4 years ago from France

      The main thing is to be happy. I suppose for most of us we need others to feel secure. You're stronger if you are self-reliant and don't need the company of others. It's great to be happy alone.

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      askformore lm 4 years ago

      Thank you for an inspiring lens

    • linhah lm profile image

      Linda Hahn 4 years ago from California

      Happy lonerism to you, my dear! This is my second visit, so you know I'm not kidding around!

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      elisabel77 4 years ago

      always thinj when times go by skills and experience to be social will come. never happend. leve me with a strange feeling after seeing someone im not used to. always wandered why. glad im not alone!! i believe there are different kinds of loners.

    • profile image

      elisabel77 4 years ago

      @selkiedatura: this is not about religion. go preach somewhere else.

    • profile image

      elisabel77 4 years ago

      @rsandii: im like that too. only a loner can understand

    • profile image

      elisabel77 4 years ago

      @breakaway500: i think he was. no need 2 b black and white.

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      adammuller003 lm 4 years ago

      I go in seasons. I am mostly social, and find a lot of meaning connecting with others. But if that's all I've had for a while, I need to get away and spend some time with myself. BUT, I also notice when I go extended times without contact with people, I get so introspected and don't realize how much I've missed being in contact with others. I appreciate you journey. Do you think people are born loners? And do you believe once a loner always a loner?

    • profile image

      breakaway500 4 years ago

      @SBPI Inc: Then you never were a loaner,you were a psuedoloaner. Glad you had your epiphany and have found the truth about yourself.

    • SBPI Inc profile image

      SBPI Inc 4 years ago

      I guess that an individuals perspective of what in life is important may differ from others and one can feel that either their now part of a group or even foolish for their differences. Learned that people are not always authentic with the feelings and relationships and have long gotten past the point where it used to trouble me. Be alone is safe as the only controversies you have are with yourself. I never liked conflict so for a very long time I kept pretty much to myself. That is till I had a life changing event and eventually learned that authenticity is the best, is states who you are and you have achieved and have become comfortable with and derive enjoyment as who you are. No more loaner. Been there, done that.


    • profile image

      blackwido 4 years ago

      @anonymous: I completely agree! Nothing wrong with being a loner, I have been one most of my life and I am 41. I have never felt like I fit in and as if I have a special purpose but just haven't found it yet. On the flip side for me though, it has made it difficult to live with someone...I have done this 3x and it just never works because I lose my alone time. Good for you though! :) I just joined today and it is good to read people's posts who are ok with being a loner and don't frown upon it like most do. Kudos!!

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      alexander-betser 4 years ago

      @breakaway500: Some activities require more piece of mind then the others. Both of us share technology field which greatly affects our personalities. I discovered my purpose of life in making changes in this world and popularizing well known spiritual ideas that requires (and causes) some level of distanciation to save time from meaningless pleasures and to be able to see this world from a different angle.

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      breakaway500 4 years ago

      I often wondered what was wrong with me growing up.Mom would plan birthday parties for me,and I told here year after year i would not be there. Whenever there was a choice of people or space,I would choose space.I'm now 55,self employed as a mechanic,and there are times I don't see anyone for weeks.I live behind a closed gate and work behind a locked is not out of fear,it is by choice that I am what I am,and not ashamed of it. I don't go to weddings,funerals,wakes or most any social gatherings.If I do,I usually end up wandering off by myself after a few hours.Don't get me wrong,I have close friends,and even a "wife"..but spend most of my time with my dogs,and live in a state of mind that is confortable if not a bit lonely,but have no regrets about being who I am. Other "loners" should not feel forced to conform to what society calls.."normal". In actuality,you are not alone...:)

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      rsandii 4 years ago

      I am 66 but was probably in my mid 30's before realizing that the term "loner" was appropriate when describing myself or my personality. I have always socialized but have to get away frequently to recharge my batteries.

      Interestingly, I've been married for 40 years and have grandchildren. I am blessed for that but my loner tendencies put limits on how much I can really enjoy it all.

      Although it may seem contradictory, if anyone ever wants to start a blog for the broad community of loners and needs an appropriate domain name, I have several for consideration.

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      al-puglisi-520 4 years ago

      @beatrice-filstein: I will go you one better. I am 58 and becoming the loner I always was inside. As a kid I would want to be alone. My mother used to throw me out in the street to "go make friends." I spent all my life as a social animal. Now I am tired of it.

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      khollyxx 5 years ago

      I'm 17 and I worry a lot about how much I increasingly like being alone and how much more anxious I get about social situations, even if it's just hanging out with my friends. this made me feel better though

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      DuaneJ 5 years ago

      I'm a loner too...and I love my "alone" time.....I just love it!

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      willn1225 5 years ago

      I'm 30. I've tried having girlfriends. Heck was even married and each relationship partner has deduced that I'm a "loner".

      There are times when I hate being a loner because I'm worried something is wrong with me. I'm not very close to my family. We talk, but there's not a traditional "crazy" family dynamic.

      I live in a new city, I work from home and I live alone and I'm comfortable with it. I like listening to music, playing music on my piano, watching TV, reading my books, thinking. I don't need someone else around - and I guess I never really have which is totally unfair to past relationship partners.

      I'll keep doing my thing, eating along and hanging out alone and be happy.

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      selkiedatura 5 years ago

      I'm a loner. I'm quite comfortable with it, though I sometimes think it makes things harder for me. Like in the job market, it's not really your resume that counts as much as who you know, I think. But I will say that being gay, Wiccan or Atheist does matter. You should live life for yourself before anybody else, but we should all live our lives for God. God sees us all as sinners and is actually the bestfriend for a loner. He's someone we can all lean on, who doesn't expect us all to go out clubbing every week. He made us to be who we are, but we also need to reject that sin in our lives, that sin we are all prone to. It's not for anyone to look down on someone if they're gay, Wiccan or Atheist, but those people should be prayed for.

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      Otsile 5 years ago

      Being the loner that I am, I took time out to learn another Language the other day. I was happy to see that contrary to popular retorts the French term for team does have an 'i' in it. It's spelled "equipe"

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      alpanabosetambe 5 years ago

      @Marigold Tortelli: Thanks Marigold, but this loner thing is absolutely incomprehensible for people especially in India.People will be full of sympathy for someone who is alone and desperately longs for company but one who seeks solitude will be seen as selfish and self-centered. Thank you for your concern, but I am still grappling with this issue. Had a couple of sessions with my husband where I tried to explain my condition. But doesn't seem to work.

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      Patricia Meadows 5 years ago

      This is so me! Thanks for putting my thoughts down on paper (or should I say on the screen). I am a proud loner!

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Nothing wrong in being a loner... If one can live with oneself successfully, I suppose they can live with anyone else successfully! Cheers! :))

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      william-lang2 5 years ago

      Thanks alot for sharing this's kind of weird

      ...we are loners sharing our thoughts with each other

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      devansh-ramen 5 years ago

      nice article

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      Marigold Tortelli 5 years ago

      @alpanabosetambe: alpanabosetambe, you should try to compromise with your husband. Tell him you'll accompany him to some functions but to maintain your sanity sometimes you're going to have to stay home while he goes alone. Explain to him that you value time spent being in a calm and quiet atmosphere away from groups of people. Compromise is essential for a marriage. Good luck.

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      alpanabosetambe 5 years ago

      @tonybonura: Oh yes it does! I could work all day for other people only if they wont be in my house / my personal territory! I have married into as big a disaster as possible for a loner. My husband is super social and wants to be around his family and relatives at all times, and not just that he wants me to accompany him for all this. I am suffocating! Please help!

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      beatrice-filstein 5 years ago

      I am in my forties and only started to live my loner's life 3 years ago, and I remember, like you, my family guilt tripping me that I was not social enough, forcing me to go outside to socialize, the result being that I always felt ill at ease and like I was wasting my time. Now I know that being a loner is my true nature and I enjoy it fully, guilt free with this intoxicating feeling of Freedom. I will be social on occasions but if I don't have enough time alone (a lot) it drains me and makes me unhappy Like you I love listening to music, watching movies and learning things by myself. I have these moments of total bliss when I tell myself Life is Good ... at last. Thank you for writing this :)

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      Wish List Gifts 5 years ago

      Extroverts just don't understand so I stopped trying to explain. It's draining to introverts to have to deal with the constant barrage of other people's wants and needs. You can only recharge when you're not being drained.

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      StylishGoddess 5 years ago

      This is so me! Thanks for writing this..:)

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      Tony Bonura 5 years ago from Tickfaw, Louisiana

      As one lone wolf to another all I can say is: Ahwooooo. :-) You nailed it. Yes, I'm a loner, but people made me that way. I'm not antisocial; I care about people. I just want to be myself and do things my own way and not depend on anyone or anything but myself. Does any of this sound familiar to you?


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      ladyyummy 5 years ago

      I feel the exact same way. I think its called being an : introverted person. Thank you SO much for sharing this lens. :')

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      Beverly Rodriguez 5 years ago from Albany New York

      Great subject! I love being among people when shopping or enjoying a movie or play, etc., but I'm very content, and prefer to spend most of my time alone. Except for my family. I love being with them.

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      Ian Hutson 5 years ago

      The whole of the infrastructure of society is (incredibly annoyingly, for me) based on a minimum unit of two. To the world, one is a very odd number indeed. The only time that the way society works actually has a beneficial effect for a loner is when trying to get tickets to a show - there's always an odd "one" somewhere in the auditorium - but even that "benefit" is incidental!

      If you're on your own (for whatever reason or choice) then there are overtones and undercurrents of disapproval everywhere, it's as though you're somehow seen as having failed.

      Is it just me or does anyone else find that "couples" lose the knack of communicating and talking or interacting? They almost all seem too preoccupied with their own nod & wink body-language private sub-conversations to actually engage with third parties.

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      William Leverne Smith 5 years ago from Hollister, MO

      Me too! ;-) Thanks for sharing! ;-)

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      hunkyguy0 5 years ago

      @hunkyguy0: Thank you all for responding so positively and in supporting ways!

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      Tim Spears 5 years ago

      I have always been content to be alone, I am not a person that like groups very much. Very interesting to see other feel the same.

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      hunkyguy0 5 years ago

      I am a 71 year old virgin. I am a loner, yet very gregarious! I do not believe that I have any need for a "one-and-only." No need for a "soul-mate." No need for "that special one person." I could be a hermit and be happy. I am very happy with my life, and I have contributed to society more than most married people by working with and for youth in colleges and high schools. I am happy with my life, few problems and set-backs, and so-called "low points." I have chosen all my life to live alone and have NO "significant other" of either sex. I am not maladjusted-----------as a matter of fact, I am very well-adjusted!!!

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      andrew69 5 years ago

      I can totally connect with you. I love being a loner. But it has its awkward moments when at functions or events I cannot mingle with people due to lack f social skills.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Very well said. I have held executive positions, entertained customers, clients, etc. but when it all settles down, it is a rush on to the freeway to solitude. I think there is a relationship between a high IQ, the need for solitude, and boredom.

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      Elsie Hagley 5 years ago from New Zealand

      Yes I am quiet happy being a loner, I live in the country and never see anyone but my husband. I hate having to go to town every week to get my groceries. If I see someone coming in the gate, I want to run and hide just so I do not have to face them.It takes a lot of will power not to do it. Thanks for sharing.

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      eccles1 5 years ago

      I relate to what you are saying and as Kaazoon said as long as you are not lonely. it seems to me there is a pressure to be social to have a great job and make much money find someone get married have kids and most important have friends!! you are right to live your life as you see fit for you. Some people are afraid to be alone . I been wondering for a while now is there a balance??

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      PaulWinter 5 years ago

      Everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with being a loner as long as you are not lonely. I like time alone, but I also enjoy being around people.

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      John Dyhouse 5 years ago from UK

      This sounds so like my early life at school and at work. And if I am honest, lasted my whole life. I still find it difficult to "socialize". I get along with people perfectly well when there's a need, but otherwise small talk bores me solid. Trying to work withing the system you describe at work meant that I was held back thru lack of "socializing" within and oputside work. I sometimes worry that the very small number of friends in my life is a problem, but I am still affected by the early conditioning.

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      inspirationz 5 years ago

      Alone time certainly has its pleasant advantages :) Being free of society's expectations and stresses is certainly one of them!

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      TwistedWiseman 5 years ago

      I prefer to live alone, in fact after 18 years of living with my parents at either ones place I began to feel uncomfortable, I decided to leave and live my own life WOAH was that pleasant! They just didn't know to leave me alone.

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      Vicki Green 5 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

      I can really appreciate what you have written on this lens. I'm somewhat of a loner and find being by myself much more relaxing than being around other people.

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      jballs6 5 years ago

      I LOVE being a loner, I don't feel I am missing out on anything and am very happy. I have a large family and when they are all out it is pure bliss to have peace and quiet and just potter about in my own little world. I don't feel the need to have constant company and my days never drag and are always full. I am perfectly content with myself and my world.

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      Tracey Boyer 5 years ago from Michigan

      Thank you for writing what I have thought my whole life. Now I feel a lot less guilty for loving being alone and not having a problem with spending a lot of time alone. I am not "alone" in loving solitude. Thanks very much for a wonderful lens.

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      Frischy 5 years ago from Kentucky, USA

      I must have a balance in my life of being around people and then being alone. I get out of kilter if I get too much one way or the other. Right now I have spent too much time alone. I can tell because I keep talking to people long after they start saying they have to go, they really have to go, they have enjoyed talking to me, but they really must go. My poor friends! Ha ha!

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      LadyKeesh 5 years ago

      I relate to everything your saying. great lens

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      Phoenix2361 5 years ago

      Although circumstances forced me into the life of a loner, I don't regret it. It's like you say, there's time to do the things I want liking writing or cross stitching. I do most of my socializing at work and that's plenty for me. And there always family around if I want to take a break from my loner activities.

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      kburns421 lm 5 years ago

      Thank you for writing this. Just thank you. People are so quick to post negative labels on anyone who is the least bit different from them. If anyone acts, feels, or thinks differently, it's assumed something is wrong with them. Everyone is different and some people live in different ways than what is considered the societal "norm," and people need to be understanding and accepting of that.

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      BarbaraCasey 5 years ago

      You know you're a loner when... you run out of small talk in about 3 seconds. Myers-Briggs pegged me correctly as an introvert, which helped put some pieces into place.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Great article. I think you're right that the amount of social interaction you want (and need) is a preference, and it's part of your "hard-wiring". Probably true for the type of interaction, too... some like a crowd, others prefer more intimate situations. Thank you for sharing this; it's a personal thing to open up about.

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      MarcStorm LM 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Thanks fro the share!

    • MarcStorm LM profile image

      MarcStorm LM 5 years ago

      Absolutely Wonderful Article! I consider myself a loner and somewhat of a recluse but I'm by no means psychopathic or antisocial, sheesh!

      It's like the one line from a song I've heard "When everyone leaves you, you are alone. When you leave the world behind, there's Solitude!"

      I like being alone, it's great, in the solitude form. The only problem with people too is the fact that when something has happened a certain way, everytime before, they assume it will always happen that way. Which isn't the case! People need to keep an open mind. There are times I'd like to be involved with certain people and situations but then they assume that I don't want to so I get left out. It happens sometimes. In summation, overall great article you put together. I'm like a half and half person with stuff, I have a little bit of everything. I am everyone and I am noone. I like being alone but there are times I will be socially active. All in all I'm a very happy upbeat person who can talk to anyone. Another quote that works too, "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself" lol Thanks for the article!

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      Tony Payne 5 years ago from Southampton, UK

      There are times when I miss company, but there are also some when I am in company and might as well be invisible. Sometimes being on your own you do have more control over your life, and can choose what you want to do to occupy your time.

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      LynetteBell 5 years ago from Christchurch, New Zealand

      I enjoy time alone but do like to socialise in small groups from time to time. I notice a lot of people talking about others saying they were seen as stuck up etc.And, I know just how you feel.

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      John Tannahill 5 years ago from Somewhere in England

      I don't think I'm a loner, but I discovered at an early age (<4) that I enjoyed being alone just as much as playing with other kids, and that it had its advantages. You can make your own rules up and nobody will spoil the game. Now, it's much the same, but I still enjoy the company of other people, just so long as they don't stop me from being alone when I need to be. I know what you mean about people seeing time spent alone as a waste, but the same people see spending 6-8 hours a day watching TV as time well spent. Most writers are loners to some degree, and I hope you know this, you write very well. Good luck with it.

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      aquarian_insight 5 years ago

      I think I was a loner forced to socialise for much of my life. Then I became ill with ME and I spent a lot of time alone. It became forced isolation. I am very much a happy loner, although I probably don't spend as much time alone as I would like to now. *blessed*

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      Sara Krentz 5 years ago from USA

      I like to socialize in small doses (and VERY small groups - I get stressed out when there are too many people around and too many things going on), but I'd rather be alone than with people most of the time. It doesn't go over very well - I get labeled "stuck up", "snobbish", "cold" and other inaccurate terms. Kudos to you for not only having the insight to figure out what you needed, but also for having the courage to live the way that is right for you.