Being a Loner in a Social World

Being a Loner
Being a Loner | Source

I'm Nobody - Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - Too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a Frog -
To tell one's name - the livelong June -
To an admiring Bog!

Being Unsocial in a Social World

My whole life I've been told that if a person doesn't want to spend time with other people then there is something wrong with them. My family forced me to socialize with my classmates, and I believed that that is what I was supposed to do. For decades I was depressed and just accepted that as part of myself, believing I couldn't really be happy. Then one day I decided to spend a few weeks away from people, just to hide away for a little while and rest. I was so happy. I never thought anyone could be as happy as I was while I was alone.

Why Am I Writing This?

Social people make up far more of the population than loners do, so some people reading this may wonder why I'm writing to a social world about being a loner. Society tells everyone that they have to be social, that the only way to be is to interact with other people in meaningful ways. That's a lie. It's a lie that everyone has to be social and is supposed to enjoy being social, and it's a lie that kept me from happiness for twenty-seven years. The lie is so pervasive in society that people may find it unbelievable that a person can be happy being alone. So I'm getting the word out. While most people won't be happy being alone, some will - and the ones that will are being told that they won't.

The truth is, being a loner is a preference just like everything else - some people like eating meat, others don't; some people like playing sports, others don't; some people like being around other people, others don't. If being alone is a preference that you have, it is beneficial to accept this and build your life around it as soon as possible.

Benefit of Discovering the Joy of Being Alone Early

Some loners accept early that they enjoy life more when they're alone. Other loners are born into social families that have trouble understanding that they want to be alone and they like having only a few friends. This society is made for people who are social, so navigating the world as a loner is sometimes difficult. But if a person discovers their preference early, they can develop skills to make living as a loner easier. For instance, there are several jobs that require socialization, whether as part of the job description itself or as a function of the work environment. The earlier a loner discovers their preference the sooner they can begin developing skills that are useful for professions that require little interaction with other people. Writing has been called the loneliest profession, being a pathologist or a lab technician limits the worker's interactions with people, working in information technology is notorious for being loner-friendly. I work nights to limit my people time.

My Journey to Becoming a Proud Loner

I didn't easily come to the conclusion that being a loner is the life for me. My whole life my family told me that I had to be around people otherwise I wasn't normal, there was something horribly wrong with me. I believed the lie for a long time because it's a message that society spreads as well. For years I agonized about spending time around people, stressing myself out over having "enough" friends and spending "enough" time with them. It took almost three decades before I realized I wasn't stressed out because I wasn't spending enough time with other people, what was stressing me out was the time actually spent with other people. I wasn't living my life the way I wanted to live it, I was living my life the way I was told I should live it.

For those who are loners and for those who aren't, always remember that you are in charge of your life. What people think doesn't matter unless you are hurting them. Whether you're a loner or gay or Wiccan or atheist, this is your life and you should live it the way you want to.

Why I Love Being a Loner

Being a loner has definite perks for people who can stand to be alone for extended periods of time. Nearly all of my free time is spent only doing activities that I love. I have plenty of time to read and write and listen to music. I don't have to worry about making time for all the activities I enjoy, the time is when I'm not at work (and even sometimes when I am at work). My family would accuse me of doing "nothing" while I was alone, but the truth is my life is filled with joyous and mentally-taxing activities whether other people are there or not. Sure I watch television, but when I'm alone I also do puzzles and read and play chess against a computer. No activity suddenly becomes meaningless because there's only one person doing it.

Being a born loner I was never too concerned with what other people think of me. I was never the most popular person in school, so I had no status to lose. This set me free to do what I enjoy and not worry about being viewed as a dork. I watched Garfield and wore whatever clothes I wanted. I didn't really think about it then, but looking back I'm really glad I was never popular. I would have missed out on a lot of activities that I enjoy if I had been obsessed with how people view me. I'm also more independent than the average person due to my plentiful experience with getting along without other people.

What Not to Call This

One of the reasons loners are viewed as "wrong" by society is a lack of understanding about what it really is. People use the word "antisocial" to describe loners without understanding what it means, just knowing that it's bad. Antisocial is not the same as unsocial. Antisocial means harmful to society, unsocial is just not wanting to be heavily involved in society. There is a big difference. Antisocial Personality Disorder is the psychological disorder that is colloquially described as psychopathic, and being unsocial isn't actually a big part of it. People who are Antisocial usually ingratiate themselves into society and are, in fact, very sociable. If a true psychological term is to be used to describe loner behavior, it would be Avoidant. This won't be completely accurate for all loners, though, because Avoidant Personality Disorder is distancing oneself from society due to anxiety. While some loners have anxiety disorders, not all do.

The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus

For prospective loners who aren't sure if the loner life is the life for them, I highly recommend this book. If you're already one of us and proud about it, you are sure to like this book as well.

© 2012 Marigold Tortelli

Do You Have Anything to Add? 124 comments

Zut Moon profile image

Zut Moon 4 years ago

Holy Smokes ... what a lens! I often wondered why you came alone to do my quizzes.

Seriously though, that took guts and was nicely presented. Yes, you have the right to choose to spend your time with yourself more often than with other people. Sometimes, I think that 80% of us are just a**holes most of the time anyway. You have the right to live your life as you choose.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

Zut Moon profile image

Zut Moon 4 years ago

One more thing I should add. Though I socialize here a lot on the Iternet, I hardly socialize at all in real life as, like I said, for the most part I find many people are not worth bothering with. I prefer books and animals to most people.

Susan300 profile image

Susan300 4 years ago

Excellently handled subject! Thanks for giving the unsocial a voice and describing so well how and why choosing to spend time alone is healthy and normal for some people.

CruiseReady profile image

CruiseReady 4 years ago from East Central Florida

Oh, I understand your point of view quite well! It's ok to not be a butterfly! and it's snice to feel free to choose not to.

Commandrix profile image

Commandrix 4 years ago from Benson, IL

Awesome -- I'm a loner, too, and I realized pretty early on that it's okay to just go off and do my own thing. If I hang out with anybody at all, it's going to be people who have interests similar to mine.

Ram Ramakrishnan profile image

Ram Ramakrishnan 4 years ago

Loners too are part of society - as useful and functional as any other. Calling them unsocial is a misnomer.

Marigold Tortelli profile image

Marigold Tortelli 4 years ago Author

@Ram Ramakrishnan: Unsocial doesn't mean separate from society, just lacking a desire to be around people. People sometimes lump words such as dissocial and antisocial in with unsocial, but they have very different definitions, with the first two having very distinct psychological meanings outlined in the ICD and DSM (respectively). Unsocial is just used to describe people who are not social.

lyttlehalfpint profile image

lyttlehalfpint 4 years ago from Canada

Great lens and eloquently worded. I find people and social interactions (of the real kind, not virtual) even those of friends or family, tend to drain me. I enjoy being a loner travelling my own road and marching to my own beat.

Gypzeerose profile image

Gypzeerose 4 years ago

I imagine Emily Dickinson was a loner - and look at her!

mumsgather 4 years ago

I tend to be a loner too and is often perceived as stuck up, proud etc when I prefer to keep to myself rather than socialize.

Close2Art LM profile image

Close2Art LM 4 years ago

very interesting lens, blessed

anka05 profile image

anka05 4 years ago

Everyone needs to be lonely from time to time, lonely meaning away from other people. For some of us this need comes more frequently, for others it comes rarely. I like to be alone almost every day to gather my thoughts and to can talk with myself. Finally, I don't know if we are really lonely as long as we have inner conversations...

anonymous 4 years ago

We all need to embrace who we are and be happy, 27 years is a long time to suffer. Now you are in a wonderful position to teach both the social and the less social from your perspective as a happy and very fulfilled loaner. I love this excellent observation of yours, "No activity suddenly becomes meaningless because there's only one person doing it." Blessed.

buttonhead lm profile image

buttonhead lm 4 years ago

I can totally identify. I'm an only child from a small family, so I've always been a loner. As an adult, I often feel like I *should* be more social, but in truth, all I really want is to hang out by myself or maybe with one close friend. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Great lens!

LiteraryMind profile image

LiteraryMind 4 years ago from Connecticut, USA

Very well said. I can relate to this. Although as I get older, I get more social and enjoy it. When I was younger going away to a beach off season when it was empty and just being with myself was a treat.

goo2eyes lm profile image

goo2eyes lm 4 years ago

when i need to do something and need my concentration, I like to be alone sometimes but i don't mind being with people also.

flinnie lm profile image

flinnie lm 4 years ago from Alabama USA

Hi I am a shy person,when I am around other finding something to talk about is very hard for me.People think I am unsocial because I tend to be a loner.

jethrosas profile image

jethrosas 4 years ago from Philippines

I'm a little bit loner and unsocial. But active in social networking sites. Nice lens! Keep it up! :)

SandyMertens profile image

SandyMertens 4 years ago from Frozen Tundra

You may not believe it, but I see myself here. Blessed! Please add this to my New Year 2012 Blessings and Zazzle lens.

anonymous 4 years ago

You said it. Sometimes I just like to be alone and especially when I need to focus on my work.

julieannbrady 4 years ago

Being yourself is what matters! If you appreciate time alone to be introspective and thoughtful, well that is fine. Say, "I'm Nobody - Who are you? Are you - Nobody - Too? Then there's a pair of us! Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!" Sssshhh!

anonymous 4 years ago

I like this lens

ScrollSawChuck 4 years ago

I think you said well what a lot of people feel but are afraid to exporess.

fugeecat lm profile image

fugeecat lm 4 years ago

Awesome lens! I know how you feel. I do enjoy being with other people, but not for long periods of time. I prefer to do what I want and have some peace and quiet. I believe part of this for me is my job. I work in social services and I have to deal with people's problems constantly. By the end of the day I just don't care about anything besides quiet.

CCGAL profile image

CCGAL 4 years ago

Very nicely done explanation that sheds some light on a way of being that many just don't understand. Blessed.

poutine 4 years ago

I love spending time by myself, I always find something to do that interests me.

It's a lot more fun than spending time with people and hearing all their gossiping.

anonymous 4 years ago

I love being alone, I don't see anything wrong with that!

JustOneGuy 4 years ago

Do I ever!

Contemplating being alone in the wilderness is the basis for my lens on Rational Religion. I don't believe in God but I do believe in being a moral human being. Unfortunately, we don't have a very sound definition of good and evil so I asked myself, "if a person is alone in the wilderness, can they be good? Can they be evil?". My basic premise was that if one can survive alone in the wild, then they have, by definition, been "good". On the contrary, I concluded that one could only be evil in society because an evil act is by definition something one person does to another.

Bottom line, I totally agree with you about being alone. One does not get subjected to evil when they are alone. Also, the primary virtues that I think I have identified, are exposed most easily in the person who is alone. If you are interested, see my lens about it.

Congratulations on your very profound observations.

AlleyCatLane 4 years ago

Boy does this sound like me! I have always enjoyed a lot of alone time and had only a few friends at a time. I have often felt quilty or depressed that I didn't engage more in society or have lots of friends or socialize more because I was total by society that I should.. Thanks for this article. Blessed!

Einar A profile image

Einar A 4 years ago

This is excellent! I've always preferred being alone, too, and fortunately never cared too much that this was looked at as odd or unacceptable by most of society, so wasn't bothered by what they thought. I like being odd! But your article is absolutely invaluable for those who may have been made to feel badly about preferring to be alone. Thanks for writing this!

jethrosas profile image

jethrosas 4 years ago from Philippines

I love this lens too! I want to be alone most of the times in order to do the things I love. :)

LaraineRoses profile image

LaraineRoses 4 years ago from Lake Country, B.C.

I'm by nature a very social person. Thank you for explaining this to us. You have my attention. Angel blessing.

Peta Panos profile image

Peta Panos 4 years ago from Norway

Great lens. I am generally a very social person although love my own space too. I believe we should all do what makes us happy without judging ourselves or others if they are differently inclined. Well done for discovering your truth. Namaste

Terrie_Schultz 4 years ago

I've always been a loner, too. I can only handle social situations for short periods at a time, then need time to myself.

qasimalhammad profile image

qasimalhammad 4 years ago

great lens, although I am socialize person, love to be with family and friends but I always wish that I could live in peace alone on an Island without anybody. Okay maybe just a near Burger King as I don't like to go for hunting.

WriterJanis2 profile image

WriterJanis2 4 years ago

I think this is very helpful information. Blessed

gypsyman27 lm profile image

gypsyman27 lm 4 years ago

Having spent a great deal of time alone, I understand this piece. Being alone doesn't have to be tragic, it can be a productive time that you use wisely. See you around the galaxy...

tvyps profile image

tvyps 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I am very much like this also. No so much that I want to be a loner, it is that the public and technology are so out of control. I want to remain at home where I can have control over things. Squid Angel blessed!

tvyps profile image

tvyps 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

...however, I know that is not how God wants us to be!

leatherwooddesign profile image

leatherwooddesign 4 years ago from Rintown Pa

I am so happy that you did this lens. Thank you for sharing ....

allenwebstarme profile image

allenwebstarme 4 years ago

Excellent lens! Heartly respect your views, 50% are socialize and 50% people pretend they are socialize. You create your own world of happiness. God bless you.

anonymous 4 years ago

being lonely or a loner is a subject matter. it depends on the self. I prefer to be both at different situations that suits me the best

anonymous 4 years ago

What a lovely explanation of your journey. I think its really good to encourage people to be themselves regardless of what is considered "normal". You may have seen this already but its a really lovely video about being alone. Bravo!

kelly3814 4 years ago

Fantastic write-up of what it how it feels to be a loner. I'm one too and you nailed it. Now I'm inspired to write something! So liberating to finally hear someone put it into words, how awful it is to just be with people nattering away at you all the time, even if it's in a good way. Thank you for saying it! Kelly

zevilgenius 4 years ago

Actually, I appreciate this article because it has shown me that I am not the loner I thought I was. I know... a different perspective, gasp! Seriously though, I realize that I really like spending time with people, I actually need them. I'm an oddity in that my hobbies feel meaningless without people to appreciate them with me. My issue is that I'm not "good" with being social. I try, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I'm lonely because I lack the necessary social skills not to be. So, I just wanted to thank you for this article and to express that it does work both ways, maybe one day I will be social being I want to be.

hartworks lm profile image

hartworks lm 4 years ago

I'm a part-time loner. Need a LOT of solitary time, but then the social side comes out... for a while! Enjoyed your point of view a lot.

anonymous 4 years ago

Loners like us are often misunderstood as 'arrogant','freak' , 'dumb' 'nerd' or a 'psycho' :( Why couldn't anyone accept each other's uniqueness,instead of judging others?*sigh* Although I'm a loner,I know how to socialize with others(at times) and to me loners are the most loyal friend=) But, sometimes I think having a Social Anxiety Disorder(SAD) is like a curse! I have 'loner numbers' in both my name and birthdate-twice number 11, and 7 as my karmic number-_-

Anyway, I'm quite impressed by your story & its a good thing for you to be yourself and never try to impress anyone :]

*p.s-I need your opinions on my article about social phobia. Please give me advice/tips on enhancing my grammar and how to add more contents?

Sara Krentz profile image

Sara Krentz 4 years ago from USA

I like to socialize in small doses (and VERY small groups - I get stressed out when there are too many people around and too many things going on), but I'd rather be alone than with people most of the time. It doesn't go over very well - I get labeled "stuck up", "snobbish", "cold" and other inaccurate terms. Kudos to you for not only having the insight to figure out what you needed, but also for having the courage to live the way that is right for you.

aquarian_insight 4 years ago

I think I was a loner forced to socialise for much of my life. Then I became ill with ME and I spent a lot of time alone. It became forced isolation. I am very much a happy loner, although I probably don't spend as much time alone as I would like to now. *blessed*

JohnTannahill profile image

JohnTannahill 4 years ago from Somewhere in England

I don't think I'm a loner, but I discovered at an early age (<4) that I enjoyed being alone just as much as playing with other kids, and that it had its advantages. You can make your own rules up and nobody will spoil the game. Now, it's much the same, but I still enjoy the company of other people, just so long as they don't stop me from being alone when I need to be. I know what you mean about people seeing time spent alone as a waste, but the same people see spending 6-8 hours a day watching TV as time well spent. Most writers are loners to some degree, and I hope you know this, you write very well. Good luck with it.

LynetteBell profile image

LynetteBell 4 years ago from Christchurch, New Zealand

I enjoy time alone but do like to socialise in small groups from time to time. I notice a lot of people talking about others saying they were seen as stuck up etc.And, I know just how you feel.

TonyPayne profile image

TonyPayne 4 years ago from Southampton, UK

There are times when I miss company, but there are also some when I am in company and might as well be invisible. Sometimes being on your own you do have more control over your life, and can choose what you want to do to occupy your time.

MarcStorm LM profile image

MarcStorm LM 4 years ago

Absolutely Wonderful Article! I consider myself a loner and somewhat of a recluse but I'm by no means psychopathic or antisocial, sheesh!

It's like the one line from a song I've heard "When everyone leaves you, you are alone. When you leave the world behind, there's Solitude!"

I like being alone, it's great, in the solitude form. The only problem with people too is the fact that when something has happened a certain way, everytime before, they assume it will always happen that way. Which isn't the case! People need to keep an open mind. There are times I'd like to be involved with certain people and situations but then they assume that I don't want to so I get left out. It happens sometimes. In summation, overall great article you put together. I'm like a half and half person with stuff, I have a little bit of everything. I am everyone and I am noone. I like being alone but there are times I will be socially active. All in all I'm a very happy upbeat person who can talk to anyone. Another quote that works too, "If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself" lol Thanks for the article!

MarcStorm LM profile image

MarcStorm LM 4 years ago

@anonymous: Thanks fro the share!

anonymous 4 years ago

Great article. I think you're right that the amount of social interaction you want (and need) is a preference, and it's part of your "hard-wiring". Probably true for the type of interaction, too... some like a crowd, others prefer more intimate situations. Thank you for sharing this; it's a personal thing to open up about.

BarbaraCasey profile image

BarbaraCasey 4 years ago from St. Petersburg, Florida

You know you're a loner when... you run out of small talk in about 3 seconds. Myers-Briggs pegged me correctly as an introvert, which helped put some pieces into place.

kburns421 lm profile image

kburns421 lm 4 years ago

Thank you for writing this. Just thank you. People are so quick to post negative labels on anyone who is the least bit different from them. If anyone acts, feels, or thinks differently, it's assumed something is wrong with them. Everyone is different and some people live in different ways than what is considered the societal "norm," and people need to be understanding and accepting of that.

Phoenix2361 profile image

Phoenix2361 4 years ago

Although circumstances forced me into the life of a loner, I don't regret it. It's like you say, there's time to do the things I want liking writing or cross stitching. I do most of my socializing at work and that's plenty for me. And there always family around if I want to take a break from my loner activities.

LadyKeesh profile image

LadyKeesh 4 years ago

I relate to everything your saying. great lens

Frischy profile image

Frischy 4 years ago from Kentucky, USA

I must have a balance in my life of being around people and then being alone. I get out of kilter if I get too much one way or the other. Right now I have spent too much time alone. I can tell because I keep talking to people long after they start saying they have to go, they really have to go, they have enjoyed talking to me, but they really must go. My poor friends! Ha ha!

Jadelynx-HP profile image

Jadelynx-HP 4 years ago from Michigan

Thank you for writing what I have thought my whole life. Now I feel a lot less guilty for loving being alone and not having a problem with spending a lot of time alone. I am not "alone" in loving solitude. Thanks very much for a wonderful lens.

jballs6 profile image

jballs6 4 years ago

I LOVE being a loner, I don't feel I am missing out on anything and am very happy. I have a large family and when they are all out it is pure bliss to have peace and quiet and just potter about in my own little world. I don't feel the need to have constant company and my days never drag and are always full. I am perfectly content with myself and my world.

PNWtravels profile image

PNWtravels 4 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

I can really appreciate what you have written on this lens. I'm somewhat of a loner and find being by myself much more relaxing than being around other people.

TwistedWiseman profile image

TwistedWiseman 4 years ago

I prefer to live alone, in fact after 18 years of living with my parents at either ones place I began to feel uncomfortable, I decided to leave and live my own life WOAH was that pleasant! They just didn't know to leave me alone.

inspirationz 4 years ago

Alone time certainly has its pleasant advantages :) Being free of society's expectations and stresses is certainly one of them!

John Dyhouse profile image

John Dyhouse 4 years ago from UK

This sounds so like my early life at school and at work. And if I am honest, lasted my whole life. I still find it difficult to "socialize". I get along with people perfectly well when there's a need, but otherwise small talk bores me solid. Trying to work withing the system you describe at work meant that I was held back thru lack of "socializing" within and oputside work. I sometimes worry that the very small number of friends in my life is a problem, but I am still affected by the early conditioning.

PaulWinter profile image

PaulWinter 4 years ago

Everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with being a loner as long as you are not lonely. I like time alone, but I also enjoy being around people.

eccles1 profile image

eccles1 4 years ago

I relate to what you are saying and as Kaazoon said as long as you are not lonely. it seems to me there is a pressure to be social to have a great job and make much money find someone get married have kids and most important have friends!! you are right to live your life as you see fit for you. Some people are afraid to be alone . I been wondering for a while now is there a balance??

Elsie Hagley profile image

Elsie Hagley 4 years ago from New Zealand

Yes I am quiet happy being a loner, I live in the country and never see anyone but my husband. I hate having to go to town every week to get my groceries. If I see someone coming in the gate, I want to run and hide just so I do not have to face them.It takes a lot of will power not to do it. Thanks for sharing.

anonymous 4 years ago

Very well said. I have held executive positions, entertained customers, clients, etc. but when it all settles down, it is a rush on to the freeway to solitude. I think there is a relationship between a high IQ, the need for solitude, and boredom.

andrew69 4 years ago

I can totally connect with you. I love being a loner. But it has its awkward moments when at functions or events I cannot mingle with people due to lack f social skills.

hunkyguy0 4 years ago

I am a 71 year old virgin. I am a loner, yet very gregarious! I do not believe that I have any need for a "one-and-only." No need for a "soul-mate." No need for "that special one person." I could be a hermit and be happy. I am very happy with my life, and I have contributed to society more than most married people by working with and for youth in colleges and high schools. I am happy with my life, few problems and set-backs, and so-called "low points." I have chosen all my life to live alone and have NO "significant other" of either sex. I am not maladjusted-----------as a matter of fact, I am very well-adjusted!!!

TradeStationTools profile image

TradeStationTools 4 years ago

I have always been content to be alone, I am not a person that like groups very much. Very interesting to see other feel the same.

hunkyguy0 4 years ago

@hunkyguy0: Thank you all for responding so positively and in supporting ways!

DrBillSmithWriter profile image

DrBillSmithWriter 4 years ago from Hollister, MO

Me too! ;-) Thanks for sharing! ;-)

Ian Hutson profile image

Ian Hutson 4 years ago

The whole of the infrastructure of society is (incredibly annoyingly, for me) based on a minimum unit of two. To the world, one is a very odd number indeed. The only time that the way society works actually has a beneficial effect for a loner is when trying to get tickets to a show - there's always an odd "one" somewhere in the auditorium - but even that "benefit" is incidental!

If you're on your own (for whatever reason or choice) then there are overtones and undercurrents of disapproval everywhere, it's as though you're somehow seen as having failed.

Is it just me or does anyone else find that "couples" lose the knack of communicating and talking or interacting? They almost all seem too preoccupied with their own nod & wink body-language private sub-conversations to actually engage with third parties.

artbyrodriguez profile image

artbyrodriguez 4 years ago from Albany New York

Great subject! I love being among people when shopping or enjoying a movie or play, etc., but I'm very content, and prefer to spend most of my time alone. Except for my family. I love being with them.

ladyyummy profile image

ladyyummy 3 years ago

I feel the exact same way. I think its called being an : introverted person. Thank you SO much for sharing this lens. :')

tonybonura profile image

tonybonura 3 years ago from Tickfaw, Louisiana

As one lone wolf to another all I can say is: Ahwooooo. :-) You nailed it. Yes, I'm a loner, but people made me that way. I'm not antisocial; I care about people. I just want to be myself and do things my own way and not depend on anyone or anything but myself. Does any of this sound familiar to you?


StylishGoddess profile image

StylishGoddess 3 years ago

This is so me! Thanks for writing this..:)

Wish List Gifts profile image

Wish List Gifts 3 years ago

Extroverts just don't understand so I stopped trying to explain. It's draining to introverts to have to deal with the constant barrage of other people's wants and needs. You can only recharge when you're not being drained.

beatrice-filstein 3 years ago

I am in my forties and only started to live my loner's life 3 years ago, and I remember, like you, my family guilt tripping me that I was not social enough, forcing me to go outside to socialize, the result being that I always felt ill at ease and like I was wasting my time. Now I know that being a loner is my true nature and I enjoy it fully, guilt free with this intoxicating feeling of Freedom. I will be social on occasions but if I don't have enough time alone (a lot) it drains me and makes me unhappy Like you I love listening to music, watching movies and learning things by myself. I have these moments of total bliss when I tell myself Life is Good ... at last. Thank you for writing this :)

alpanabosetambe 3 years ago

@tonybonura: Oh yes it does! I could work all day for other people only if they wont be in my house / my personal territory! I have married into as big a disaster as possible for a loner. My husband is super social and wants to be around his family and relatives at all times, and not just that he wants me to accompany him for all this. I am suffocating! Please help!

Marigold Tortelli profile image

Marigold Tortelli 3 years ago Author

@alpanabosetambe: alpanabosetambe, you should try to compromise with your husband. Tell him you'll accompany him to some functions but to maintain your sanity sometimes you're going to have to stay home while he goes alone. Explain to him that you value time spent being in a calm and quiet atmosphere away from groups of people. Compromise is essential for a marriage. Good luck.

devansh-ramen 3 years ago

nice article

william-lang2 3 years ago

Thanks alot for sharing this's kind of weird

...we are loners sharing our thoughts with each other

anonymous 3 years ago

Nothing wrong in being a loner... If one can live with oneself successfully, I suppose they can live with anyone else successfully! Cheers! :))

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Patricia Meadows 3 years ago

This is so me! Thanks for putting my thoughts down on paper (or should I say on the screen). I am a proud loner!

alpanabosetambe 3 years ago

@Marigold Tortelli: Thanks Marigold, but this loner thing is absolutely incomprehensible for people especially in India.People will be full of sympathy for someone who is alone and desperately longs for company but one who seeks solitude will be seen as selfish and self-centered. Thank you for your concern, but I am still grappling with this issue. Had a couple of sessions with my husband where I tried to explain my condition. But doesn't seem to work.

Otsile 3 years ago

Being the loner that I am, I took time out to learn another Language the other day. I was happy to see that contrary to popular retorts the French term for team does have an 'i' in it. It's spelled "equipe"

selkiedatura 3 years ago

I'm a loner. I'm quite comfortable with it, though I sometimes think it makes things harder for me. Like in the job market, it's not really your resume that counts as much as who you know, I think. But I will say that being gay, Wiccan or Atheist does matter. You should live life for yourself before anybody else, but we should all live our lives for God. God sees us all as sinners and is actually the bestfriend for a loner. He's someone we can all lean on, who doesn't expect us all to go out clubbing every week. He made us to be who we are, but we also need to reject that sin in our lives, that sin we are all prone to. It's not for anyone to look down on someone if they're gay, Wiccan or Atheist, but those people should be prayed for.

willn1225 3 years ago

I'm 30. I've tried having girlfriends. Heck was even married and each relationship partner has deduced that I'm a "loner".

There are times when I hate being a loner because I'm worried something is wrong with me. I'm not very close to my family. We talk, but there's not a traditional "crazy" family dynamic.

I live in a new city, I work from home and I live alone and I'm comfortable with it. I like listening to music, playing music on my piano, watching TV, reading my books, thinking. I don't need someone else around - and I guess I never really have which is totally unfair to past relationship partners.

I'll keep doing my thing, eating along and hanging out alone and be happy.

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DuaneJ 3 years ago

I'm a loner too...and I love my "alone" time.....I just love it!

khollyxx 3 years ago

I'm 17 and I worry a lot about how much I increasingly like being alone and how much more anxious I get about social situations, even if it's just hanging out with my friends. this made me feel better though

al-puglisi-520 3 years ago

@beatrice-filstein: I will go you one better. I am 58 and becoming the loner I always was inside. As a kid I would want to be alone. My mother used to throw me out in the street to "go make friends." I spent all my life as a social animal. Now I am tired of it.

rsandii 3 years ago

I am 66 but was probably in my mid 30's before realizing that the term "loner" was appropriate when describing myself or my personality. I have always socialized but have to get away frequently to recharge my batteries.

Interestingly, I've been married for 40 years and have grandchildren. I am blessed for that but my loner tendencies put limits on how much I can really enjoy it all.

Although it may seem contradictory, if anyone ever wants to start a blog for the broad community of loners and needs an appropriate domain name, I have several for consideration.

breakaway500 3 years ago

I often wondered what was wrong with me growing up.Mom would plan birthday parties for me,and I told here year after year i would not be there. Whenever there was a choice of people or space,I would choose space.I'm now 55,self employed as a mechanic,and there are times I don't see anyone for weeks.I live behind a closed gate and work behind a locked is not out of fear,it is by choice that I am what I am,and not ashamed of it. I don't go to weddings,funerals,wakes or most any social gatherings.If I do,I usually end up wandering off by myself after a few hours.Don't get me wrong,I have close friends,and even a "wife"..but spend most of my time with my dogs,and live in a state of mind that is confortable if not a bit lonely,but have no regrets about being who I am. Other "loners" should not feel forced to conform to what society calls.."normal". In actuality,you are not alone...:)

alexander-betser 3 years ago

@breakaway500: Some activities require more piece of mind then the others. Both of us share technology field which greatly affects our personalities. I discovered my purpose of life in making changes in this world and popularizing well known spiritual ideas that requires (and causes) some level of distanciation to save time from meaningless pleasures and to be able to see this world from a different angle.

blackwido 3 years ago

@anonymous: I completely agree! Nothing wrong with being a loner, I have been one most of my life and I am 41. I have never felt like I fit in and as if I have a special purpose but just haven't found it yet. On the flip side for me though, it has made it difficult to live with someone...I have done this 3x and it just never works because I lose my alone time. Good for you though! :) I just joined today and it is good to read people's posts who are ok with being a loner and don't frown upon it like most do. Kudos!!

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SBPI Inc 3 years ago

I guess that an individuals perspective of what in life is important may differ from others and one can feel that either their now part of a group or even foolish for their differences. Learned that people are not always authentic with the feelings and relationships and have long gotten past the point where it used to trouble me. Be alone is safe as the only controversies you have are with yourself. I never liked conflict so for a very long time I kept pretty much to myself. That is till I had a life changing event and eventually learned that authenticity is the best, is states who you are and you have achieved and have become comfortable with and derive enjoyment as who you are. No more loaner. Been there, done that.


breakaway500 3 years ago

@SBPI Inc: Then you never were a loaner,you were a psuedoloaner. Glad you had your epiphany and have found the truth about yourself.

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adammuller003 lm 3 years ago

I go in seasons. I am mostly social, and find a lot of meaning connecting with others. But if that's all I've had for a while, I need to get away and spend some time with myself. BUT, I also notice when I go extended times without contact with people, I get so introspected and don't realize how much I've missed being in contact with others. I appreciate you journey. Do you think people are born loners? And do you believe once a loner always a loner?

elisabel77 3 years ago

@breakaway500: i think he was. no need 2 b black and white.

elisabel77 3 years ago

@rsandii: im like that too. only a loner can understand

elisabel77 3 years ago

@selkiedatura: this is not about religion. go preach somewhere else.

elisabel77 3 years ago

always thinj when times go by skills and experience to be social will come. never happend. leve me with a strange feeling after seeing someone im not used to. always wandered why. glad im not alone!! i believe there are different kinds of loners.

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linhah lm 2 years ago from California

Happy lonerism to you, my dear! This is my second visit, so you know I'm not kidding around!

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askformore lm 2 years ago

Thank you for an inspiring lens

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BLouw 2 years ago from France

The main thing is to be happy. I suppose for most of us we need others to feel secure. You're stronger if you are self-reliant and don't need the company of others. It's great to be happy alone.

mstcourtjester 2 years ago

Awesome lens! I often joke about calling my self a hermit. I enjoy being by myself as much as possible. I do work in a very public job, working with people all day long and I am married. I do enjoy being with a few people at times. But, I enjoy being alone for the most part, as much as possible. It gives me time to focus, read and better myself.

candy47 2 years ago

I'm a loner! I go on vacation alone, I eat at nice restaurants alone, etc. I call it 'channeling Greta Garbo'! Very nice lens!

khound81 2 years ago

the biggest discoveries I have made in life and the best friends I have made in life are simply because I am a loner that still loves the world. had I been a social person, many of the good things in experiences in my life would have never happened.

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SandyMertens 2 years ago from Frozen Tundra

I guess you could call me a loner too.

ebf270176 2 years ago

I´m a loner too. I think that when a person follow the spiritual path it requires silence, meditation and distance from society. check out my article, please.

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BLouw 2 years ago from France

A lovely reminder that there is more than one path to happiness. I'm so pleased that you found yours.

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JoanieMRuppel54 2 years ago from Keller, Texas

Thank you for educating me on this subject. I am the social type and knew there were people who prefer to be alone, but didn't really know why. You helped me understand and as it turns out, I have a new acquaintance who is a loner. This was very helpful!

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Robert Levine 2 years ago from Brookline, Massachusetts

"I have never known the companion that was so companionable as solitude."--Henry David Thoreau

mv 23 months ago

I am a loner and I am so happy being with myself.I have been spending time with myself and people very close to me and realising what an agonising waste it was when I tried to be like the sociable people.I love the article and the comments.

Joseph 22 months ago

I'm a loner and a lot of what he says is true. I don't have a lot of the problems that social people have. I not shy. I don't get embarrassed. I'm more interested in programming than socializing and that will probably be helpful in my career. However, team work is important. Nevertheless, you don't have to love socializing to have good team work. My mom is a loner but she always thinks carefully before she speaks and she doesn't say anything unless she has something smart to say. On the other hand my dad is a loner and he's infamous at his job. Despite this he got a million $ in stock by creating a sentiment analysis program and they both get payed over 100,000$ / year

HSchneider 22 months ago from Parsippany, New Jersey

Wonderful Hub, Marigold. We loners aka introverts are incredibly sensitive and in tune with the world. That is without the trappings of social butterflys. Thumbs up.

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Nadia Ribadu 21 months ago

I'm more or less a loner now by choice, though I didn't always WANT to be a loner. I found that I was always alone no matter how much I tried to belong. There was always something which singled me out from others, whether it was my opinions on most things, the way I look, carry myself, speak, etc. I'm also no perfect, but at the same time, I constantly moralize on everything. People have called me inhibited and conservative, and when they learn that I don't drink (never have), don't do drugs, don't need to get high or have a buzz, or sleep with someone soon after I meet him because I can, or that I'm a homebody who loves crossword puzzles, to read, to debate the issues of the day, I find myself forced to be a loner, because despite my appearance, all those things make me unattractive, apparently. Therefore, I can relate to the article. And the more I think about the fact that people love drama and hate peace and goodness, the more I find myself feeling comfortable with my inner serenity, in my solitary state.

forcedLoner 19 months ago

Liberitus Hollywoodus also known as THUG is an obnoxious beast. Taking

injury to insult when its young and surrounding beings are maldeformed.

It will actually take the pursuit of an applied Liberalized Christianity

imperialism, treating the maldeformed subject as a form of pygmy

Neanderthal, incapable of rational thought or direction. THUG will first

signal disapproval to the perfumed tribe with a borage and series of

clockwise and counterclockwise gristled howls and proceed to thoroughly beat

the maldeformed subject indian styled into complete submission. This

emaculization is perceived as doing 'good work'. The pummeling consists of

releasing hordes of medication, utter lies, sickly applied criticism,

and may even resort to actual physical blows. When the subject is at a

state of overwhelming sadness, Liberitus Hollywoodus is most robust. If the

subject itself is resilient, THUG will repeat both signaling the tribe and

reapplying the beats. A lite slander that the subject is aware of

may need to be applied to achieve this 'good work'. One note should be taken,

to perceive the maldeformed subject as okay is to thoroughly ruin

Liberitus Hollywoodus dogma of perfectus sidewalkus, the purity of

beautiful people. To say that one is proud of the resilience of this

pygmy Neanderthal, should be seem as thoroughly disgusting,

a form of Doomsday indeed to perfectus sidewalkus, and former THUG will

be stripped of all recognition and receive a sentence of heavy slander

and libel.

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grand old lady 3 months ago from Philippines

Thank you very much. I have spent my entire life as a loner and feeling I was wrong. Of course, in time we choose to be alone anyway. But it's nice to feel validated.

phil 3 months ago

Congrats for having the guts to express your thoughts. I know exactly what you feel like when you say you often felt guilty that you weren't more sociable. I know I felt this way when the mental health professional I was seeing told me my life would be richer if I lunched regularly with my co-workers, as well as showed up four pub nights every few months. But because I much preferred to stay home and read, I never followed his advice. Still, I always felt guilty that I didn't. We in the west have got to stop making people feel that they have to socialize to feel fulfilled.

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