I'm Nobody - Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - Too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!
How dreary - to be - Somebody!
How public - like a Frog -
To tell one's name - the livelong June -
To an admiring Bog!
Being Unsocial in a Social World
My whole life I've been told that if a person doesn't want to spend time with other people then there is something wrong with them. My family forced me to socialize with my classmates, and I believed that that is what I was supposed to do. For decades I was depressed and just accepted that as part of myself, believing I couldn't really be happy. Then one day I decided to spend a few weeks away from people, just to hide away for a little while and rest. I was so happy. I never thought anyone could be as happy as I was while I was alone.
Why Am I Writing This?
Social people make up far more of the population than loners do, so some people reading this may wonder why I'm writing to a social world about being a loner. Society tells everyone that they have to be social, that the only way to be is to interact with other people in meaningful ways. That's a lie. It's a lie that everyone has to be social and is supposed to enjoy being social, and it's a lie that kept me from happiness for twenty-seven years. The lie is so pervasive in society that people may find it unbelievable that a person can be happy being alone. So I'm getting the word out. While most people won't be happy being alone, some will - and the ones that will are being told that they won't.
The truth is, being a loner is a preference just like everything else - some people like eating meat, others don't; some people like playing sports, others don't; some people like being around other people, others don't. If being alone is a preference that you have, it is beneficial to accept this and build your life around it as soon as possible.
Benefit of Discovering the Joy of Being Alone Early
Some loners accept early on that they enjoy life more when they're alone. Other loners are born into social families that have trouble understanding that they want to be alone and they like only having a few friends. This society is made for people who are social, so navigating the world as a loner is sometimes difficult. But if a person discovers their preference early, they can develop skills to make living as a loner easier. For instance, there are several jobs that require socialization, whether as part of the job description itself or as a function of the work environment. The earlier a loner discovers their preference the sooner they can begin developing skills that are useful for professions that require little interaction with other people. Writing has been called the loneliest profession, being a pathologist or a lab technician limits the worker's interactions with people, working in information technology is notorious for being loner-friendly. I work nights to limit my people time.
My Journey to Becoming a Proud Loner
I didn't easily come to the conclusion that being a loner is the life for me. My whole life my family told me that I had to be around people otherwise I wasn't normal, there was something horribly wrong with me. I believed the lie for a long time because it's a message that society spreads as well. For years I agonized about spending time around people, stressing myself out over having "enough" friends and spending "enough" time with them. It took almost three decades before I realized I wasn't stressed out because I wasn't spending enough time with other people, what was stressing me out was the time actually spent with other people. I wasn't living my life the way I wanted to live it, I was living my life the way I was told I should live it.
Why I Love Being a Loner
Being a loner has definite perks for people who can stand to be alone for extended periods of time. Nearly all of my free time is spent only doing activities that I love. I have plenty of time to read and write and listen to music. I don't have to worry about making time for all the activities I enjoy, the time is when I'm not at work (and even sometimes when I am at work). My family would accuse me of doing "nothing" while I was alone, but the truth is my life is filled with joyous and mentally-taxing activities whether other people are there or not. Sure I watch television, but when I'm alone I also do puzzles and read and play chess against a computer. No activity suddenly becomes meaningless because there's only one person doing it.
Being a born loner I was never too concerned with what other people think of me. I was never the most popular person in school, so I had no status to lose. This set me free to do what I enjoy and not worry about being viewed as a dork. I watched Garfield and wore whatever clothes I wanted. I didn't really think about it then, but looking back I'm really glad I was never popular. I would have missed out on a lot of activities that I enjoy if I had been obsessed with how people view me. I'm also more independent than the average person due to my plentiful experience with getting along without other people.
What Not to Call This
One of the reasons loners are viewed as "wrong" by society is a lack of understanding about what it really is. People use the word "antisocial" to describe loners without understanding what it means, just knowing that it's bad. Antisocial is not the same as unsocial. Antisocial means harmful to society, unsocial is just not wanting to be heavily involved in society. There is a big difference. Antisocial Personality Disorder is the psychological disorder that is colloquially described as psychopathic, and being unsocial isn't actually a big part of it. People who are Antisocial usually ingratiate themselves into society and are, in fact, very sociable. If a true psychological term is to be used to describe loner behavior, it would be Avoidant. This won't be completely accurate for all loners, though, because Avoidant Personality Disorder is distancing oneself from society due to anxiety. While some loners have anxiety disorders, not all do.
Recommended Reading - Here are some great articles about being a loner.
- Field Guide to the Loner: The Real Insiders
Loners are pitied in our up-with-people culture. But the introvert reaps secret joy from the solitary life. By Elizabeth Svoboda
- How to Be a Loner
How to Be a Loner. Are you a natural hermit, a seeker of solitude, the kind they call a "lone wolf"?
- Caring for Your Introvert
The habits and needs of a little-understood group.
The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus
For prospective loners who aren't sure if the loner life is the life for them, I highly recommend this book. If you're already one of us and proud about it, you are sure to like this book as well.
© 2012 Marigold Tortelli
Do You Have Anything to Add?
Gil Pardo on December 27, 2018:
I've trying to socialize more by having people spending a couple of days in my house, going out more often, but... I've never been so unhappy in my whole life. I feel like trying too hard, being unnatural, fake, mechanical, and it's exhausting to social events. But my house smells different now, a lot of things are misplaced, it feels dirty, desecrated, violated, vulgarized... I absolutely hate having people here and I don't intend to repeat the experience. I've been trying to be social having my worries about the future as motivation because I don't want to end my days being mistreated by pychos in some institution for elderly or rejected people.
Christopher wibberley on November 26, 2018:
The biggest mistake of my life was getting involved with other people
Dave Sloper on October 11, 2018:
I feel that i am becoming a loner and in some way accepting it. My family is at each other throats, i dont trust my friends and relationships have all been disasters. I dont trust anyone now and cannot explsin it to them. Tgey dont understand. Not depressed at all. Getting used to been alone. Is it right to be this way? Not sure where my life is heading and only looking after what i want from now on.
Phina on September 18, 2018:
thanks for writing this, people feel loners are antisocial but we are not. we just love to be alone. sometimes my friends called me a sadist but i wasnt bothered because i know for sure am not, i just wanted my privacy.
Mz on September 03, 2018:
I so agree. I love being alone. I enjoy my own company. I do many things and find that I have discovered so much about myself by just observing, listening and reflecting. I once considered always using conversation as a way to get along and have people like me; however am so much happier
bipolartoo on June 23, 2018:
Wow! There are people like me! All these years I thought I was the only one. My relatives have always talked about my otherness as if it is a defect. Associates and co-workers make light of it. Pointing out my flaws seems to make people feel more confident. They are glad they don't have my problem. The thing is, I don't see that being who I am is a problem. It's okay to be a loner. It's okay to different. It is okay to be me.
Thank you for writing this!
abby on May 31, 2018:
I like living my life as a loner as far as I didn't have to earn my living. When ever I think of earning my living, i end up being socialized, which i really do not like at all.
John Dague on May 21, 2018:
My son is extremely outgoing and social. When he's in public with his friends (his troop) he's the life of the party, he's the center of attention and excitement. When he's at home he becomes brain dead, he doesn't speak or interact with me. I am a very rational person, so he and I don't connect. Both very social people and very rational people tend to become quiet when they are outside of the things which provide them with their sense of safety.
Social people exhibit traits which existed in early civilization. They are adapted to surviving in a group, so they have good verbal skills. They have a weak memory and their memory can be corrupted by verbal suggestion (they may remember something that they have heard and recall it as something that they experienced when it is not). Their poor memory makes them lack empathy, they cannot recall emotions that they had that are connected to any particular experience, so they can not interpret the emotions of others. They tend to forget lessons learned and they lack a moral compass. They are not able to make independent decisions related to morality or intellect. They must constantly check in with their troop to know how to think and act. They need to have written laws to know how to act. If their troop is religious, they must constantly check in with the church, the temple, or the mosque to know how to act morally. They are very trendy, if one member of their troop has a new trendy toy they must all go get the latest trendy toy. Because they lack a strong mental connection or past events, they can not forecast the future results of their actions. They live in the here-and-now. They depend upon their troop for survival and protection, so they are extremely confident when they are in a very strong troop. When they are without a troop for protection they feel vulnerable and uneasy so they tend to withdraw until they can connect with their troop. They tend to live by the idea that there is no right way or wrong way, there is only the direction that your troop is heading, any other direction is suicide. Without a troop for protection they may act out in a destructive manner to attract the attention of a troop which they can join.
John Dague on May 15, 2018:
Whether you are a loner or a joiner, it is an inherited trait. Joiners are attracted to large crowds, they often choose to live in urban areas, so in a large city you may find more joiners, in rural areas you may find more solitary people. I've spent some time thinking about what it is that makes people one way or another. I'm a very rational person, I like learning and thinking and listening. Large crowds and distractions aren't my thing. I've got a son who is never alone, he can't tolerate it, he has to have constant distractions, excitement, talking, and interactions with people. My frustration with people who are that way has led me to an understanding, I now realize why people are one way or another, and I see the character traits that are generally associated with each group. It is created by natural selection, it's evolutionary psychology.
Loners - This is the personality which would tend to be selected in rural populations when women are free to choose their mates. Individuals in this group tend to think logically (they have a good understanding of cause and effect), they are good at building and making things (like shelter and clothing and tools), they are patient, they have the skills required to nurture and care for and grow things (like crops, herds, and flocks), they have an instinctive love of nature (which is necessary for their survival), they tend to be kind and caring and affectionate, and they believe in treating others fairly and they tend to understand how to cooperate with others.
Joiners - This is the personality that would tend to be selected in urban civilizations when powerful, wealthy male leaders have the authority to choose the women they included in their harems. These individuals tend to be very physically attractive, they value physical strength and beauty, they have the authority to take what they want so they have no need to grow or nurture anything, they have no need for patience, they have difficulty with logic (they do not see the connection between cause and effect), they are skilled at bringing groups together, they enjoy being a part of a large group that is acting with a common goal, they tend to be warriors and leaders, they are good a taking and defending and destroying, they are very good public speakers, they value organizations which are created to control the actions of others (government, politics, law, military, nations, religion), they are very charismatic in a group, but they may not be very affectionate or interesting when they are alone, they love sports and competition, risk and gambling, wealth and power, excitement, entertainment, and crowds, they may have a greater tendency to do things that are destructive or self-destructive, they are more likely to be involved in risky behavior, they have a greater probability of becoming addicted to stimulates or opioids.
So there are pros and cons of each type of individual. Being a loner doesn't mean that you are anti-social or introverted, it's just a different way of being. Since joiners tend to take an unfairly large share of resources, they've got an advantage when resources are plentiful, right now they're more successful and their reproducing faster than loners. And since they tend to be destructive, we'll soon be headed for another Dark Age. At that point, the advantage will be returned to resourceful people who know how to survive and cooperate. Either way, you are who you are, so you have to embrace who that is.
WILLARD MUBVUMBI on May 15, 2018:
Am a loner and am proud of being a loner.
Troy on May 09, 2018:
It's called Introversion.
Mike on April 20, 2018:
I am a loner as well its how i feel the most comfortable but i also enjoy friends when i have them, probably because i am short i am only 5 feet tall and all my life so people think i am wierd no one wants to date me, so i am constantly alone
Marcus Lundgren on April 14, 2018:
I'm 41 year-old man.
I'm pretty much as much of a loner as anyone can be without
being forced into solitary confinement.
I used to enjoy having a few close friends when I was younger (never more than 3), but if they had somewhere else to be, I couldn't care less.
The problem I face today, as an adult, is that, in addition to being a natural born loner, I also suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder (which you mentioned), which has made me extremely sensitive to criticism and judgement.
I don't like myself, and I don't like being criticized by others, because I take it all as confirmation of how worthless I am.
So it's easier to just hide away and not deal with life.
So yeah, even though I sometimes feel the need to talk to someone for a few minutes, whereas I had no problem doing so in my younger years, today, I never leave the apartment unless I absolutely have to, so I'm forced to be alone due to my mental illness.
That's the worst part for me. I have no problem being on my own as long as it's my choice. But I feel as if this disorder has robbed me of that choice, just as it has robbed me of so much else in life, and that's very hard to accept.
I've never been able to hold down a job or date or have intimate relationships with anyone. No one has openly expressed an interest in me, and even if they did, I wouldn't feel worthy of it.
Up until the age of 14, I was just a loner and fine with being one. For the next 27 years after that, I've been a loner and a forced recluse, and that's very very different.
Con on April 11, 2018:
I’ve been a loner for as long as I remember, it brought me peace but it also brought me evil “solitude breeds evil” more evil than peace, I never chose to be a loner but I sorta prefer it but when you invite people out and verytime you have done they say no and this gets me overthinking about a lot. I convince my self I’m going crazy and this is why no one wants to hang with me. I have one or 2 friends. But I hardly see them ever. being lonely can make people happy but for a20year old guy who has been lonely since day one it is driving me mad! I don’t even feel comfortable in social situations. I meditate quite frequently, solitary brought me spiritual guidance, id like to think I was one with nature and the universe. I guess I replaced my social life to be with the universe and nature.
Sarah on March 25, 2018:
I have always been a loner, since I was a three year old, as far back as I could remember. Other kids bullied me and that pushed me to be a loner even more. I do socialise, but year after year, I socialise lesser and lesser. One of the reasons I chose to be a loner is a combination of shyness and my inability to tolerate low IQ and unintelligent people for long periods of time. I can pass easily for an extrovert, someone who is outspoken and opinionated. Nobody could understand why I was a loner and they forced me to socialise. I loved swimming alone, going to the gym alone, shopping alone and doing almost everything imaginable alone. When I got into my first relationship, my ex never understood why I wanted to be alone a lot. I haven't been in a relationship for over 10 years and the main reason is hardly anybody understands my need for loneliness and solitude. I was diagnosed as bipolar and suffer from depression. I ate myself into obesity to repel a lot of people and I push people away whenever they come close to me. I have also been used and abused by people althroughout my life so I refuse to be friends with people easily, especially other women. But I find my loneliness and solitude diminishing over time due to having to look after my extroverted autistic younger brother who shames me for being asocial despite the fact he has been very badly abused by people althroughout his life. I hope to achieve my dream one day of living off grid in a tiny house on a rural countryside where I only interact with people as needed.
Nadia Ribadu on February 16, 2018:
Christopher, I am so sorry about your struggles and pray that you really do enjoy being alone. You have dealt with a lot. I have this un-asked-for ability to keenly feel other people's pain. I really wish I wasn't as empathetic as I am, especially since I'm powerless to help others. I do what little I can. I'm a loner, too, mainly by choice. Cannot stand the upsetting drama in which people seem to bask. I can only cope in conditions of harmony.
Christopher on February 13, 2018:
I've experienced social anxiety not only because of my Aspergers but due to having dealt with childhood trauma as a toddler, and then emotional abuse from people that weren't my mother. I never really had anyone to teach me things, and growing up I grew to distrust people greatly as by the time I turned 16 my anger festered into a rage as I felt so out of place in the world I live in. At 171/2 I was later confirmed by my mother and stepdad to have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I denied it at first then all the pieces fit together and I accepted it. My last year of high school a year later I still kept quiet about my Asperger's despite the fact I didn't know that I was the only person in my high school who had the disorder.
It doesn't matter know because in time i'll overcome my social anxiety one way or another. Nowadays I find myself enjoying spending time alone despite having a roommate. Thankfully my roommate who's one of my best friends understands my need to have time and space to myself.
Matt on January 28, 2018:
Sounds like denial sorry just being honest. I enjoy being alone because it's much less stressful. However I experienced life without anxiety my first 17 years of life. It was magic. I'm now 38 and lately I've been making better choices in my life like getting fit and learning to play guitar. The better I feel about myself, the less anxiety I have around others and in general. Make yourself talk to people and get comfortable with it. You must overcome social anxiety to truly be happy. Love yourself, you deserve love we all do.
Curtis on January 13, 2018:
I'm a loner myself and don't have much of a desire to even date. I'm kinda shy and don't talk much to women. I do but it's more because of my job. Once I go home I stay home and don't interact and only when I need too. I'm not a social person. The last girl I was with wanted me to be more social, but it wasn't in me. I try some but it makes me uncomfortable and I back off now it's just me like it used to be and I think I'm more happier being alone than worrying about someone else. But I go back and fourth on it.
Lexi on December 09, 2017:
I completely get you when you say that your parents have forced you to be social in a way, mine also wanted me to be social but now that I'm older I do see where they were coming from, but I choose to be by myself because I am happy this way.
I even believed my former best friends of over 10 years were my best friends but they were really just using me so that they could be social and once I stopped going out with them I felt so much better.
Just because this is part of my story, I am gay and my friends have been my support system my whole life, but I found that they were pushing me towards relationships that were just no good just so that I can identify as gay. Because according to them if I wasn't in a relationship I wasn't allowed to identify as gay...or whatever their weird way of thinking was.
Yes, I have also never had a romantic relationship even at 25 years old but that is okay because I am happy with myself either way. I have also had gay friends, but I found them jumping into relationship after relationship with less than good quality people, and I did not want that for myself. Even if it takes years, I just want a good quality person in my life, and then I might consider a relationship but I do not want one for the sake of having one, nor do I want a friend just for the sake of having a friend. If I am going to have relationships or friendships, I want them to be good and each person putting in 50/50 effort, because in the past with my friendships I felt that I was putting in 90% and they were only putting in 10%.
Many people mistake me for a selfish person who does not like people, but after having a friend who tried to tear me away from my family, get me to spend all of my money on them and tried to get me to force me to take drugs with them, I can say that I am better off and happier in my own company. My family tries to convince me that not every person is like this, but I have only come in contact with people who are. Just happy taking a long break from being social!
Eve12judie on December 04, 2017:
Sibling abuse is what caused me to become a loner. I used to be very extroverted as a child but when I reached 12 years of age I found myself changing from extroverted to introverted and my older siblings bullied me for being introverted, and solitary things that made me happy they hated. Because of that into a shell and didn't let other people in. The bullying I endured from them still affects me to this day
lotuswithbigleaf on November 12, 2017:
I agree with *Happytobelonely* (by the way I guess you're happy to be alone) that socialising and talking with people can be draining. To me,both physically and emotionally.
Entertaining people is physically very tiring and having to listen to crap/having to put up with it makes me feel emotionally drained when I get to be alone. Feeling emotionally drained is the most debilitating feeling ever and it takes weeks to recover from one such episode.
Therefore,the best decision is to avoid socialising at events where there's a large crowd of family or friends. I feel that people are becoming more and more pretentious so the less small talk the better. I find small talk is such a waste of time and is pointless as well.
GyanAdom on November 09, 2017:
It is so good to hear others express how I've felt for more than 6 decades.
lotuswithbigleaf on November 07, 2017:
Very few people enjoy being alone but I do very much. I do not like visiting and do not welcome guests either. However the general society do not understand us and think we are lonely. In fact,society should feel sorry for those who are afraid of being alone.
These people always need somebody to do any activity with - shopping,exercise,watching movies etc They are unable to shop,eat,attend the symphonic orchestra or play a game alone. It's easy when I shop on my own bcs I go where I like. If you shop with somebody else it always ends up a wasted outing bcs in the end it would be just buying the other person's stuff. I don't like to be hurried and I like to slowly choose what I want to buy.It's easy eating alone bcs you just eat what you want.
I find drinking a cold beer while eating a meat dish and watching the waves rolling into shore as the best alone activity. It's enjoyable reading a book alone or watching a drama/movie online alone. In the cinema just laugh with the crowd if you're alone. You do not need to be distracted by a friend sitting next to you. Just watch whatever movie you fancy.
Travel and tour agencies should arrange for *aloners* to travel cheaper. They always charge more for singles. I find it easy to travel alone bcs we choose what we like and do not have to bother about anybody else. If I want to drink coffee I do not have to bother that somebody else wants to look for a tea house.
One reason I avoid friends and family is bcs of the things they say which can be very unsettling. I used to get upset after attending a gathering of friends or family so along the way I decided that spending time alone or with people of like mind is the most productive. It's such a waste of time to listen to gossips and to mind other people's business.
Happytobelonely on November 02, 2017:
OMG! This perfectly described my life. I don’t like socialising or talking to people. It drains me. Makes me overthink. Adds drama to my life. Being alone is the best thing ever. No one around me understands that. They think I’m weird. But my happiness times are when I’m alone . And I love it. But off late.. due to the people around me..I’ve been feeling unworthy..since I’m not social , I don’t do the things that they do..but this post made me feel better about myself and made me realise that this is what I want.
Joao on October 20, 2017:
My friend please read "thus spoke zarathustra" from nietzche. Good article. Um abraco
Pat on October 18, 2017:
I have been "loner" all my life. As a child when I was growing up I really didn't have any friends and I really didn't think about it and just went did my own thing. I travel & learn about the city I lived in. In school, I didn't really fit into any of the groups of people I did knew and I didn't fit any sports stuff and when going to school dances was not fun either. I just thought maybe people didn't know I even exist. As I got into my teens, I had found out that I was raised in foster homes and that made me feel even more of a loner. As of today, I am married with a grand daughter but I do not see much of. Our daughter talks more to her mother than me and I can understand that... but lately I do feel more and more of being loner & independent within my own family. I still do my own thing.....
Karl on September 14, 2017:
Welp my parents give me no freedom. Yipee. And nobody understands me wanting to be a loner.
David on September 05, 2017:
Being alone gave me the chance of putting things into perspective. Meanwhile trying to be sociable for almost all my life I always felt an emptiness... I've struggle for a long time and still am today but I realized it is all a question of perception. To be able to enjoy ourselves in our truest form is one of the most beautiful gift people. Our world cannot be define but yours can plz don't be sad for your own sake.
Joseph if you read this hear me when I say: you are not weird, not at all I feel you brother!
Joseph on August 28, 2017:
I'm a loner but hate it. It's not because I was brought up to believe that being a loner is bad. My parents actually tell me it's okay and it's not a big deal. I have no friends literally. Currently been friendless for the past three years since i was 25 (Now I'm 28).
It's really depressing. I go to work, come back home, eat, play playstation/watch TV shows, go for Jujitsu practice then home and that's it. I always want to enjoy activities with friends like going to the beach, jet skiing, hiking, etc. You name it and I feel like I am burning precious days just sitting at home. I am socially awkward too.
Girls get bored of me easily that I just gave up with them, even though I am handsome (looks don't matter - trust me guys). I end up paying prostitutes for sex. I have a lot of money but what the heck. Even the prostitutes have attitude problems but with others they show fun and interest.
I don;t know how you guys manage but I hate it. I hate being a loner not because somewhere inside me believes it is wrong. I believe it is okay but I just want to enjoy good time with people.
I hope you guys understand.
JAMES on August 24, 2017:
I am an introvert. I enjoy activites as a loner, jogging, reading,
listening to music and going to the movies. I am am unfortable around a crowd of people. These are the reasons I enjoy being alone.
Nadia Ribadu on June 08, 2017:
I don't really why we feel we have to defend ourselves as loners. Most of us don't bother anyone and don't make the world worse than it is, so what can be the harm? As long as being a loner isn't synonymous with being a sociopath, which I certainly am not, then we should never feel--whether someone is making us feel defensive or not--that we have to defend being loners.
Tsephanyah on June 07, 2017:
I am married to a very social person who after 4 years is starting to understand that I do not want to surrounded but a ton of people. I like being alone and maybe enjoy 2-3 people but for the most part I love silence. People drone on and on about things that are either mental suicide, or their latest conquests. Blah blah blah. Hate it. I do have a few friends but they are chosen for their uniqueness. I like it when my friends can sit in silence and enjoy each others company, without feeling uncomfortable with silence.
another loner on May 13, 2017:
Praise to every one of you loners for I'm like you. After all, this world needs more people like you.
phil on July 19, 2016:
Congrats for having the guts to express your thoughts. I know exactly what you feel like when you say you often felt guilty that you weren't more sociable. I know I felt this way when the mental health professional I was seeing told me my life would be richer if I lunched regularly with my co-workers, as well as showed up four pub nights every few months. But because I much preferred to stay home and read, I never followed his advice. Still, I always felt guilty that I didn't. We in the west have got to stop making people feel that they have to socialize to feel fulfilled.
Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on July 11, 2016:
Thank you very much. I have spent my entire life as a loner and feeling I was wrong. Of course, in time we choose to be alone anyway. But it's nice to feel validated.
forcedLoner on March 11, 2015:
Liberitus Hollywoodus also known as THUG is an obnoxious beast. Taking
injury to insult when its young and surrounding beings are maldeformed.
It will actually take the pursuit of an applied Liberalized Christianity
imperialism, treating the maldeformed subject as a form of pygmy
Neanderthal, incapable of rational thought or direction. THUG will first
signal disapproval to the perfumed tribe with a borage and series of
clockwise and counterclockwise gristled howls and proceed to thoroughly beat
the maldeformed subject indian styled into complete submission. This
emaculization is perceived as doing 'good work'. The pummeling consists of
releasing hordes of medication, utter lies, sickly applied criticism,
and may even resort to actual physical blows. When the subject is at a
state of overwhelming sadness, Liberitus Hollywoodus is most robust. If the
subject itself is resilient, THUG will repeat both signaling the tribe and
reapplying the beats. A lite slander that the subject is aware of
may need to be applied to achieve this 'good work'. One note should be taken,
to perceive the maldeformed subject as okay is to thoroughly ruin
Liberitus Hollywoodus dogma of perfectus sidewalkus, the purity of
beautiful people. To say that one is proud of the resilience of this
pygmy Neanderthal, should be seem as thoroughly disgusting,
a form of Doomsday indeed to perfectus sidewalkus, and former THUG will
be stripped of all recognition and receive a sentence of heavy slander
Nadia Ribadu on January 16, 2015:
I'm more or less a loner now by choice, though I didn't always WANT to be a loner. I found that I was always alone no matter how much I tried to belong. There was always something which singled me out from others, whether it was my opinions on most things, the way I look, carry myself, speak, etc. I'm also no perfect, but at the same time, I constantly moralize on everything. People have called me inhibited and conservative, and when they learn that I don't drink (never have), don't do drugs, don't need to get high or have a buzz, or sleep with someone soon after I meet him because I can, or that I'm a homebody who loves crossword puzzles, to read, to debate the issues of the day, I find myself forced to be a loner, because despite my appearance, all those things make me unattractive, apparently. Therefore, I can relate to the article. And the more I think about the fact that people love drama and hate peace and goodness, the more I find myself feeling comfortable with my inner serenity, in my solitary state.
Howard Schneider from Parsippany, New Jersey on December 19, 2014:
Wonderful Hub, Marigold. We loners aka introverts are incredibly sensitive and in tune with the world. That is without the trappings of social butterflys. Thumbs up.
Joseph on December 13, 2014:
I'm a loner and a lot of what he says is true. I don't have a lot of the problems that social people have. I not shy. I don't get embarrassed. I'm more interested in programming than socializing and that will probably be helpful in my career. However, team work is important. Nevertheless, you don't have to love socializing to have good team work. My mom is a loner but she always thinks carefully before she speaks and she doesn't say anything unless she has something smart to say. On the other hand my dad is a loner and he's infamous at his job. Despite this he got a million $ in stock by creating a sentiment analysis program and they both get payed over 100,000$ / year
mv on November 13, 2014:
I am a loner and I am so happy being with myself.I have been spending time with myself and people very close to me and realising what an agonising waste it was when I tried to be like the sociable people.I love the article and the comments.
Robert Levine from Brookline, Massachusetts on September 23, 2014:
"I have never known the companion that was so companionable as solitude."--Henry David Thoreau
Joanie Ruppel from Keller, Texas on July 28, 2014:
Thank you for educating me on this subject. I am the social type and knew there were people who prefer to be alone, but didn't really know why. You helped me understand and as it turns out, I have a new acquaintance who is a loner. This was very helpful!
Barbara Walton from France on July 26, 2014:
A lovely reminder that there is more than one path to happiness. I'm so pleased that you found yours.
ebf270176 on July 25, 2014:
IÂ´m a loner too. I think that when a person follow the spiritual path it requires silence, meditation and distance from society. check out my article, please.
Sandy Mertens from Frozen Tundra on June 18, 2014:
I guess you could call me a loner too.
khound81 on May 20, 2014:
the biggest discoveries I have made in life and the best friends I have made in life are simply because I am a loner that still loves the world. had I been a social person, many of the good things in experiences in my life would have never happened.
candy47 on February 23, 2014:
I'm a loner! I go on vacation alone, I eat at nice restaurants alone, etc. I call it 'channeling Greta Garbo'! Very nice lens!
mstcourtjester on February 16, 2014:
Awesome lens! I often joke about calling my self a hermit. I enjoy being by myself as much as possible. I do work in a very public job, working with people all day long and I am married. I do enjoy being with a few people at times. But, I enjoy being alone for the most part, as much as possible. It gives me time to focus, read and better myself.
Barbara Walton from France on February 09, 2014:
The main thing is to be happy. I suppose for most of us we need others to feel secure. You're stronger if you are self-reliant and don't need the company of others. It's great to be happy alone.
askformore lm on January 28, 2014:
Thank you for an inspiring lens
Linda Hahn from California on January 17, 2014:
Happy lonerism to you, my dear! This is my second visit, so you know I'm not kidding around!
elisabel77 on July 29, 2013:
always thinj when times go by skills and experience to be social will come. never happend. leve me with a strange feeling after seeing someone im not used to. always wandered why. glad im not alone!! i believe there are different kinds of loners.
elisabel77 on July 29, 2013:
@selkiedatura: this is not about religion. go preach somewhere else.
elisabel77 on July 29, 2013:
@rsandii: im like that too. only a loner can understand
elisabel77 on July 29, 2013:
@breakaway500: i think he was. no need 2 b black and white.
adammuller003 lm on July 19, 2013:
I go in seasons. I am mostly social, and find a lot of meaning connecting with others. But if that's all I've had for a while, I need to get away and spend some time with myself. BUT, I also notice when I go extended times without contact with people, I get so introspected and don't realize how much I've missed being in contact with others. I appreciate you journey. Do you think people are born loners? And do you believe once a loner always a loner?
breakaway500 on July 15, 2013:
@SBPI Inc: Then you never were a loaner,you were a psuedoloaner. Glad you had your epiphany and have found the truth about yourself.
SBPI Inc on July 13, 2013:
I guess that an individuals perspective of what in life is important may differ from others and one can feel that either their now part of a group or even foolish for their differences. Learned that people are not always authentic with the feelings and relationships and have long gotten past the point where it used to trouble me. Be alone is safe as the only controversies you have are with yourself. I never liked conflict so for a very long time I kept pretty much to myself. That is till I had a life changing event and eventually learned that authenticity is the best, is states who you are and you have achieved and have become comfortable with and derive enjoyment as who you are. No more loaner. Been there, done that.
blackwido on July 12, 2013:
@anonymous: I completely agree! Nothing wrong with being a loner, I have been one most of my life and I am 41. I have never felt like I fit in and as if I have a special purpose but just haven't found it yet. On the flip side for me though, it has made it difficult to live with someone...I have done this 3x and it just never works because I lose my alone time. Good for you though! :) I just joined today and it is good to read people's posts who are ok with being a loner and don't frown upon it like most do. Kudos!!
alexander-betser on June 14, 2013:
@breakaway500: Some activities require more piece of mind then the others. Both of us share technology field which greatly affects our personalities. I discovered my purpose of life in making changes in this world and popularizing well known spiritual ideas that requires (and causes) some level of distanciation to save time from meaningless pleasures and to be able to see this world from a different angle.
breakaway500 on June 03, 2013:
I often wondered what was wrong with me growing up.Mom would plan birthday parties for me,and I told here year after year i would not be there. Whenever there was a choice of people or space,I would choose space.I'm now 55,self employed as a mechanic,and there are times I don't see anyone for weeks.I live behind a closed gate and work behind a locked door.it is not out of fear,it is by choice that I am what I am,and not ashamed of it. I don't go to weddings,funerals,wakes or most any social gatherings.If I do,I usually end up wandering off by myself after a few hours.Don't get me wrong,I have close friends,and even a "wife"..but spend most of my time with my dogs,and live in a state of mind that is confortable if not a bit lonely,but have no regrets about being who I am. Other "loners" should not feel forced to conform to what society calls.."normal". In actuality,you are not alone...:)
rsandii on May 15, 2013:
I am 66 but was probably in my mid 30's before realizing that the term "loner" was appropriate when describing myself or my personality. I have always socialized but have to get away frequently to recharge my batteries.
Interestingly, I've been married for 40 years and have grandchildren. I am blessed for that but my loner tendencies put limits on how much I can really enjoy it all.
Although it may seem contradictory, if anyone ever wants to start a blog for the broad community of loners and needs an appropriate domain name, I have several for consideration.
al-puglisi-520 on May 05, 2013:
@beatrice-filstein: I will go you one better. I am 58 and becoming the loner I always was inside. As a kid I would want to be alone. My mother used to throw me out in the street to "go make friends." I spent all my life as a social animal. Now I am tired of it.
khollyxx on April 17, 2013:
I'm 17 and I worry a lot about how much I increasingly like being alone and how much more anxious I get about social situations, even if it's just hanging out with my friends. this made me feel better though
DuaneJ on April 02, 2013:
I'm a loner too...and I love my "alone" time.....I just love it!
willn1225 on March 18, 2013:
I'm 30. I've tried having girlfriends. Heck was even married and each relationship partner has deduced that I'm a "loner".
There are times when I hate being a loner because I'm worried something is wrong with me. I'm not very close to my family. We talk, but there's not a traditional "crazy" family dynamic.
I live in a new city, I work from home and I live alone and I'm comfortable with it. I like listening to music, playing music on my piano, watching TV, reading my books, thinking. I don't need someone else around - and I guess I never really have which is totally unfair to past relationship partners.
I'll keep doing my thing, eating along and hanging out alone and be happy.
selkiedatura on March 12, 2013:
I'm a loner. I'm quite comfortable with it, though I sometimes think it makes things harder for me. Like in the job market, it's not really your resume that counts as much as who you know, I think. But I will say that being gay, Wiccan or Atheist does matter. You should live life for yourself before anybody else, but we should all live our lives for God. God sees us all as sinners and is actually the bestfriend for a loner. He's someone we can all lean on, who doesn't expect us all to go out clubbing every week. He made us to be who we are, but we also need to reject that sin in our lives, that sin we are all prone to. It's not for anyone to look down on someone if they're gay, Wiccan or Atheist, but those people should be prayed for.
Otsile on February 28, 2013:
Being the loner that I am, I took time out to learn another Language the other day. I was happy to see that contrary to popular retorts the French term for team does have an 'i' in it. It's spelled "equipe"
alpanabosetambe on February 15, 2013:
@Marigold Tortelli: Thanks Marigold, but this loner thing is absolutely incomprehensible for people especially in India.People will be full of sympathy for someone who is alone and desperately longs for company but one who seeks solitude will be seen as selfish and self-centered. Thank you for your concern, but I am still grappling with this issue. Had a couple of sessions with my husband where I tried to explain my condition. But doesn't seem to work.
Patricia Meadows on February 14, 2013:
This is so me! Thanks for putting my thoughts down on paper (or should I say on the screen). I am a proud loner!
anonymous on February 08, 2013:
Nothing wrong in being a loner... If one can live with oneself successfully, I suppose they can live with anyone else successfully! Cheers! :))
william-lang2 on February 08, 2013:
Thanks alot for sharing this
...it's kind of weird
...we are loners sharing our thoughts with each other
devansh-ramen on February 02, 2013:
Marigold Tortelli (author) on December 24, 2012:
@alpanabosetambe: alpanabosetambe, you should try to compromise with your husband. Tell him you'll accompany him to some functions but to maintain your sanity sometimes you're going to have to stay home while he goes alone. Explain to him that you value time spent being in a calm and quiet atmosphere away from groups of people. Compromise is essential for a marriage. Good luck.
alpanabosetambe on December 16, 2012:
@tonybonura: Oh yes it does! I could work all day for other people only if they wont be in my house / my personal territory! I have married into as big a disaster as possible for a loner. My husband is super social and wants to be around his family and relatives at all times, and not just that he wants me to accompany him for all this. I am suffocating! Please help!
beatrice-filstein on November 23, 2012:
I am in my forties and only started to live my loner's life 3 years ago, and I remember, like you, my family guilt tripping me that I was not social enough, forcing me to go outside to socialize, the result being that I always felt ill at ease and like I was wasting my time. Now I know that being a loner is my true nature and I enjoy it fully, guilt free with this intoxicating feeling of Freedom. I will be social on occasions but if I don't have enough time alone (a lot) it drains me and makes me unhappy Like you I love listening to music, watching movies and learning things by myself. I have these moments of total bliss when I tell myself Life is Good ... at last. Thank you for writing this :)
Wish List Gifts on November 09, 2012:
Extroverts just don't understand so I stopped trying to explain. It's draining to introverts to have to deal with the constant barrage of other people's wants and needs. You can only recharge when you're not being drained.
StylishGoddess on November 03, 2012:
This is so me! Thanks for writing this..:)
Tony Bonura from Tickfaw, Louisiana on November 02, 2012:
As one lone wolf to another all I can say is: Ahwooooo. :-) You nailed it. Yes, I'm a loner, but people made me that way. I'm not antisocial; I care about people. I just want to be myself and do things my own way and not depend on anyone or anything but myself. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
ladyyummy on October 26, 2012:
I feel the exact same way. I think its called being an : introverted person. Thank you SO much for sharing this lens. :')
Beverly Rodriguez from Albany New York on October 14, 2012:
Great subject! I love being among people when shopping or enjoying a movie or play, etc., but I'm very content, and prefer to spend most of my time alone. Except for my family. I love being with them.
Ian Hutson on October 12, 2012:
The whole of the infrastructure of society is (incredibly annoyingly, for me) based on a minimum unit of two. To the world, one is a very odd number indeed. The only time that the way society works actually has a beneficial effect for a loner is when trying to get tickets to a show - there's always an odd "one" somewhere in the auditorium - but even that "benefit" is incidental!
If you're on your own (for whatever reason or choice) then there are overtones and undercurrents of disapproval everywhere, it's as though you're somehow seen as having failed.
Is it just me or does anyone else find that "couples" lose the knack of communicating and talking or interacting? They almost all seem too preoccupied with their own nod & wink body-language private sub-conversations to actually engage with third parties.
William Leverne Smith from Hollister, MO on October 02, 2012:
Me too! ;-) Thanks for sharing! ;-)
hunkyguy0 on October 01, 2012:
@hunkyguy0: Thank you all for responding so positively and in supporting ways!
Tim Spears on October 01, 2012:
I have always been content to be alone, I am not a person that like groups very much. Very interesting to see other feel the same.
hunkyguy0 on September 22, 2012:
I am a 71 year old virgin. I am a loner, yet very gregarious! I do not believe that I have any need for a "one-and-only." No need for a "soul-mate." No need for "that special one person." I could be a hermit and be happy. I am very happy with my life, and I have contributed to society more than most married people by working with and for youth in colleges and high schools. I am happy with my life, few problems and set-backs, and so-called "low points." I have chosen all my life to live alone and have NO "significant other" of either sex. I am not maladjusted-----------as a matter of fact, I am very well-adjusted!!!
andrew69 on September 20, 2012:
I can totally connect with you. I love being a loner. But it has its awkward moments when at functions or events I cannot mingle with people due to lack f social skills.
anonymous on September 17, 2012:
Very well said. I have held executive positions, entertained customers, clients, etc. but when it all settles down, it is a rush on to the freeway to solitude. I think there is a relationship between a high IQ, the need for solitude, and boredom.
Elsie Hagley from New Zealand on September 15, 2012:
Yes I am quiet happy being a loner, I live in the country and never see anyone but my husband. I hate having to go to town every week to get my groceries. If I see someone coming in the gate, I want to run and hide just so I do not have to face them.It takes a lot of will power not to do it. Thanks for sharing.
eccles1 on August 29, 2012:
I relate to what you are saying and as Kaazoon said as long as you are not lonely. it seems to me there is a pressure to be social to have a great job and make much money find someone get married have kids and most important have friends!! you are right to live your life as you see fit for you. Some people are afraid to be alone . I been wondering for a while now is there a balance??
PaulWinter on August 29, 2012:
Everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with being a loner as long as you are not lonely. I like time alone, but I also enjoy being around people.
John Dyhouse from UK on August 24, 2012:
This sounds so like my early life at school and at work. And if I am honest, lasted my whole life. I still find it difficult to "socialize". I get along with people perfectly well when there's a need, but otherwise small talk bores me solid. Trying to work withing the system you describe at work meant that I was held back thru lack of "socializing" within and oputside work. I sometimes worry that the very small number of friends in my life is a problem, but I am still affected by the early conditioning.
inspirationz on August 23, 2012:
Alone time certainly has its pleasant advantages :) Being free of society's expectations and stresses is certainly one of them!
TwistedWiseman on August 20, 2012:
I prefer to live alone, in fact after 18 years of living with my parents at either ones place I began to feel uncomfortable, I decided to leave and live my own life WOAH was that pleasant! They just didn't know to leave me alone.
Vicki Green from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA on August 17, 2012:
I can really appreciate what you have written on this lens. I'm somewhat of a loner and find being by myself much more relaxing than being around other people.
jballs6 on August 13, 2012:
I LOVE being a loner, I don't feel I am missing out on anything and am very happy. I have a large family and when they are all out it is pure bliss to have peace and quiet and just potter about in my own little world. I don't feel the need to have constant company and my days never drag and are always full. I am perfectly content with myself and my world.
Tracey Boyer from Michigan on August 10, 2012:
Thank you for writing what I have thought my whole life. Now I feel a lot less guilty for loving being alone and not having a problem with spending a lot of time alone. I am not "alone" in loving solitude. Thanks very much for a wonderful lens.
Frischy from Kentucky, USA on August 10, 2012:
I must have a balance in my life of being around people and then being alone. I get out of kilter if I get too much one way or the other. Right now I have spent too much time alone. I can tell because I keep talking to people long after they start saying they have to go, they really have to go, they have enjoyed talking to me, but they really must go. My poor friends! Ha ha!
LadyKeesh on August 01, 2012:
I relate to everything your saying. great lens