I studied neuroscience and am fascinated by human consciousness and perception. I delve into psychology in my free time and adore writing.
1. During Conversations, Enter Their Mental Space
When we say humans are social beings, what we mean is that interactions with others raise our mood and soothe our psychological distress. Everyone that you encounter has their mind crammed to the brink with desires, unhealed wounds and 'information' that they want to spit out onto a receptive person. Most people that they encounter will only aggravate their pent-up state, fighting to monopolize the conversation with their own topic of choice.
If you can become the one to relieve them of their emotional burdens, I can guarantee that you will stand out as a one-in-a-thousand. Infinite rewards are reaped when you engage in conversations consciously and actively listen, rather than allowing yourself to slip into autopilot and give generic responses. We all know the quote "people never forget how you make them feel", and it stands true; people either leave conversations feeling a). energized and understood or b). dissatisfied and irked.
Of course, this will require some emotional intelligence and discerning. If your coworker is missing her long-distance boyfriend, brushing aside her pain (as most would do) with a generic filler phrase like "he's a phone call away!" will have her feeling misunderstood and more depressive. Nonetheless, being overly empathetic and asking questions about what she loves most about him may make her feel 'heard', but will equally worsen her state.
You want to find the sweet middle ground between a). glossing people's unhealed wounds/issues and b). probing too deeply if this will cause them to spiral. An incredibly effective way to do this is to crawl directly into their mental space and sit there with them. Express that you realize how harrowing it must be to have a partner so far away, but then (with genuine warmth and a smile) tell her an anecdote about a friend of yours who has had a successful long-distance relationship for years, or light-heartedly tell her that her boyfriend adores her and is "obviously going nowhere".
Master this, and you will get what you want from anyone. People will forever associate you with relief from their distress and will be keen to help you in any way that ensures that they keep getting that wonderful fix.
2. When You're Sick or Tired, Don't Complain
Whether you have been struck by an unfortunate head cold or are running on two hours of sleep and visibly run-down, acknowledge your suboptimal state but then laugh it off. People will warm to you immensely and see you as hardworking, humble and stoic if you can employ this with relative consistency. It will work to your favor in an exponential way that extends beyond the mere interaction, having you standing out as 'superhuman' and a very attractive person to work with or befriend.
Humans adore venting and the vast majority will readily unleash a self-pitying narrative when given the chance. You, yourself, will be aware of this; have you ever bumped into an unwell friend or coworker and felt the obligation to ask how they are feeling, only to regret it when the conversation never ends?
Ensure you uplift people when you engage with them, rather than draining their energy in this way. The next time you are coughing and your boss asks you if you're okay, smirk humorously and say you've got a nasty cold but that it's all fine, you're still excited about the good weather and have a long walk planned after work. Be a little self-deprecating to take this even further, and laugh a little at your appearance or symptoms.
It takes an ingenious and mentally-strong person to resist the allure of the 'sympathy game', and most are too egocentric to forgo it. Use this to your advantage and shine.
3. Hold The Desired Image of Them In Your Head
You may have heard of the spiritual concept 'everyone is you pushed out'; introduced Neville Goddard, the idea is that your opinions and beliefs of people directly affect their behavior towards you. In other words, people do not have free will and treat you exactly as you expect them to.
Hear me out; however paradoxical this concept seems, it is completely logically-sound and aligns perfectly with neuroscience and psychology. We are raised to believe that our negative thoughts about people are harmless results of them treating us badly, but the truth is that thinking about someone as irritating, controlling, scathing or bitter will invariably manifest this behavior from them. Once you edit your narrative about them, their stance towards you will also shift, uncannily and without fail.
If this interests you, I strongly suggest that you read one book, and only one book: Neville's The Feeling Is Secret. I am being completely honest when I say that I would not have a successful career in neuroscience, a wonderful soulmate, stimulating friends and healed mental health without his teachings.
Have fun testing ''everyone is you pushed out', and ensure to adhere to it. The first time I had success with it was when I had a boss who took a disliking to me and made my life hell. I started to force myself to imagine him as fun and relaxed rather than unfair, and in a matter of days, his attitude and aura transformed! He started to speak about me incredibly positively in meetings and recommending me bars and restaurants. It is eerie and it works like magic.
4. If You Dislike Them, See Them As 'Interesting'
Striving to see people you are not keen on as curious and interesting specimens is a wonderful way to jump-start your success with 'everyone is you pushed out'.
Why? If someone radiates energy that rubs you the wrong way and you leave your thoughts unchecked, your tone of voice, body language and subconscious choice of words will all reflect the fact that you do not hold them in high regard. Even if not emotionally intelligent enough to consciously notice this, the person's subconscious mind will not miss a thing and will leave them feeling anxious and belittled.
Simple neurobiological coupling will have them associating you with these unpleasant mental experiences and low self-esteem. Within personal relationships, this may lead to rumors about you being spread. In the professional realm, you will manifest obstacles and hindered progress as people will be averse to helping you.
However, if you can, instead, reframe this and view this person as an intriguing 'case study', you will tune into your vital flow and will radiate enthusiasm while talking to them. Instead of thinking about the time that you are wasting while they are moaning about banal affairs, you will be pushed to probe deeper and ask them questions, thereby becoming more likeable.
© 2020 Lucy