Lapidary Jokes for the Discerning Rockhound
Looking for lapidary jokes or a bit of rockhound humour? You've come to the right place! Once, in a galaxy far, far away before I had children, I was an editor of a magazine called Pointer which was produced by the Victorian Gem Clubs Association (VGCA). Club members used to love reading the jokes and it was hard to find rock and gem related ones online, so I invented a few.
Club members started writing in with their jokes too, and we all got quite a giggle out of the funny ones we'd receive monthly. Recently, I pondered on the old Pointer magazines and wondered if more people would be interested in the original lapidary jokes we'd come up with, so I thought I'd publish them here to make the most of them. Please feel free to use these jokes in rockhound newsletters. If you could provide a link or reference back to this page it would be much appreciated!
You Know You're A Rockhound If:
- You prefer baryte roses to real ones.
- Your dream holiday destination is Coober Pedy or Far North Queensland.
- Your garage is so full of rocks that the car won't fit in.
- You collect Interesting specimens, including the brown unknown ones, just in case they might turn out to be something special.
- You've ever sorted through a mullock heap.
- You've ever dumpster dived at a marble warehouse.
- You colour co-ordinate your clothes and shoes to match your gemstone pendants.
- The sign on the side of the road says "Falling Rock" and you pull over to wait.
- You like to examine the rocks in your driveway.
- You treasure ancient, fossilised animal dung.
- You spend hours searching the ground while everyone else around you gets bored.
A Bit Of Bling
An American lady entered a jeweller’s and said “You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it’s the wrong size”. “No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily”. “Oh, you don’t understand, you sold him a five carat size, and I take a ten carat size".
Q: Why did the prospector throw his ore samples away?
A: He took them for granite.
Q: Why did the prospector take a bath with his rock samples?
A: Because they were soapstone.
Q: Why did the prospector make his mother carry his ore samples?
A: He thought it was the mother lode.
Amber and Jade are out fossicking.
Amber: “Did you see that?”
Amber: “Well, there’s something glinting over there in that cliff.”
Amber: “Did you see that?”
Jade: “See what?”
Amber: “Are you blind? There was a mine shaft beside the path back there.”
Amber: “Did you see that?”
By now, Jade is getting a bit annoyed, so she says, “Yes, I did!”
Amber: “Then why did you step in it?”
Sherlock Holmes On Fossicking
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?"
“Well, I see thousands of stars.” “And what does that mean to you?” “Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”
“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”
Men who wear earrings are supposed to make good husbands because:
They have experienced pain.
They have bought jewellery.
Fossicking Gone Wrong
Two men go on a fossicking trip. They buy all the equipment: the Miners Right, the gold detectors, the Blundstone boots, the maps, the 4WD, and even a two-man tent. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fossicking, but they don’t find anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finds a geode.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realise that this one lousy geode we found cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t find any more!”
Q: Where do pebbles grow up?
A: In the rockery!
Q: Where do rocks sleep?
Q. Why did the aquamarine replace the bloodstone?
A. People were tired of seeing all of those bloody spots.
The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.
A man took his elderly father to a lapidary club to check it out. He sat his father down on a plastic chair in the main room and went to talk with the workshop instructor. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. Joy came by and said, “Let me help you.” She moved a table to the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The old man started to tilt slowly to the right. John noticed and put several buckets filled with rocks on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when the workshop officer came by and piled a stack of magazines in front of him. About this time, the son returned.
“Well, Dad, isn’t this a nice place.”
The old man replied, “I guess it’s ok, but they won’t let me fart.”
Rockhound & Lapidary T-Shirt Slogans
May the quartz be with you!
Old lapidarians never die, they just recrystalize
We Dig Mother Earth
Follow me, I am looking for gold...
Kiss a lapidarian and get your rocks off
Lapidarians do it in the dirt
Diamond saws are a girl’s best friend
Be Daring - Cab It
Ain’t nothin but a rock hound dog
We Will Rock You
You’re a gem.
I Dig Rocks
I Dig Gold
I Dig Fossils
I Dig Crystals
Lapidarians DIG The Dirt
Lode Off My Mind
I'm a lapidarian and I'm hung like a horst
Lost a rock? I will find it for you.
Come Fossick With Me
WARNING: Rockhound Going For Gold
I can make your bedrock.
Fossicking And Beyond
A couple of fossickers are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 000. He gasps to the operator, “I think George is dead! What should I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line, “Okay now what?“
Q. Where do you find the President of the jewellery company?
A. He’s the one in the Opal Office.
Q. What did the jeweller say to the alien?
A. I have something for all your lobes.
Q. What did Mr Rabbit give Mrs Rabbit?
A. A 14 Carrot Gold Ring.
Q. What's the difference between an earring and a nose ring?
A. S'not much.
How Do You Become a Rockhound?
Buy a large bag of marbles and carry it with you whenever you go looking for rocks. Every time you pick up a rock and put it in your pocket, take out one of the marbles from the bag and throw it over your left shoulder.
Any time you see one of your marbles, pick it up along with the rock nearest to it - the rock goes in your pocket, the marble into the marble bag.
When you have finally lost all of your marbles, you are a rockhound!
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down and starts reading the menu.
The menu says:
Broiled Accountant $5.95 per plate
Fried Engineer $7.95 per plate
Toasted Teacher $7.95 per plate
Grilled Lapidarian $25.95 per plate
The man calls a waiter over and asks “Hey, why does the Grilled Lapidarian cost so much more?” The waiter says, “ Are you kidding? Do you know how hard it is to clean one of them?”
Q. Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry?
A. He wanted to get a little boulder.
Q. What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
A. I lava you!
Q: What do you do with dead geologists?
Q: Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
A: Because they get hammered and stoned.
Q: What do you call a can of soft drink found in a conglomerate?
A: Coca-Cola Clastic.
Q: Why wasn't the geologist hungry?
A: He lost his apatite.
Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Lapidarian
1. You have ever had to respond “yes” to the question, “What have you got in here, rocks?”
2. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over “roads” that were really intended only for cattle.
3. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a rock hammer isn’t really a weapon.
4. Your rock garden is located inside your house.
5. You have ever hung a picture using a Brunton as a level, and your rock hammer as your hammer.
6. Your collection of beer cans and/or bottles rivals the size of your rock collection.
7. You consider a “recent event” to be anything that has happened in the last hundred thousand years.
8. Your photos include people only for scale and you have more pictures of your rock hammer and lens cap than of your family.
9. You have ever been on a field trip that included scheduled stops at a gravel pit and/or a mullock heap.
And the #1 sign you might be a lapidarian:
10. You have ever uttered the phrase “have you tried licking it” with no innuendos intended.
Recipe for Owl Soup
Put a prepared owl in a big pot with a granite boulder. Boil the pot for several hours. When the stone gets soft, throw away the owl and eat the stone.
A Nugget Of Knowledge
In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown: He does.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs.Brown: No he isn’t.
Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter: Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown: I’m afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter: Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown: No, it is quite handy.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown: Almost ten months.
Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown: He thought he was.
Reporter: Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter: Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter: Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown: No, but quite near it.
Reporter: Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter: Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter: Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown: I do my level best.
Reporter: Do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter: Can I see the nugget?
She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very quickly.
Q. Where do lapidarians like to relax?
A. In a rocking chair.
- The journey of 1000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- If at first you don’t succeed, mining is not for you.
- Some days you are the ammonite, some days you are the dinosaur poo.
- The quickest way to X marks the spot is through a rockhound's stomach.
Do you have a rock collection?
The Geologist's Lament
By RL Frism (Lodestone 1940)
Gather ‘round me, hear my story,
I’m a rockhound in distress:
I’m a rockhound bathed in troubles.
I’m an outcast, more or less.
I have fossils in the kitchen.
I have crystals in the Hall.
I have min’rals in the bathtub.
I have relics on the walls.
I have oxides on the carpet.
I have oil upon the floor;
I have black light in the parlor;
I have bones behind each door.
Attic rooms are fairly sagging;
Flat rocks pave the cellar floor-
Pockets bulge with gemmy pieces.
All this and millions more.
Wifey thinks that I am goofy:
I don’t know: she may be right;
She insists I’ve silicosis
or some horrid form of “ite”
Says my head is lined with agate
(Freak replacement of the bone);
Claims my brain is just a nodule,
Says my heart has turned to stone.
Threatens me with separation:
Storms about our rock-lined home;
Says my life is just a geode
Or a hunk of mammal bone.
Are you rated as a fossil?
Or obliged to live alone?
How can you maintain a hobby,
And still have a happy home?
© 2014 Suzanne Day