# The Dumbest, Cleverest, Funniest Math Jokes & Puns

## Eye Roll Please...

Maybe you're wooing that smart girl in calculus class. Maybe it's National Pi Day. Maybe you're trying to impress your teacher. For whatever reason, you're here looking for the best math jokes, and here are my favorites from Reddit, Twitter, online, and told to me by my silliest, geekiest friends.

It takes a special talent to sound kind of dumb and sort of smart at the same time. It's all in the delivery, so remember to show your work.

PLAN

(P+L)(A+N)

PA+PN+LA+LN

Your plan has been foiled!

## The Best Short Math Jokes and Puns

- Parallel lines have so much in common... it’s a shame they’ll never meet!
- Q: How can you make seven an even number? A: Take the 's' out!
- An unending parade of an infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, and the third orders a third of a beer. That's when the bartender puts up his hands and yells, "Get the hell out of here! Are you trying to ruin me?"
- An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "Give me a beer." The second says, "I'll have a half a beer." The third says, "A quarter of a beer, please." The bartender pours two beers and says, "Come on, people. Know your limits."
- I made a mistake and hired an odd-job guy to do eight jobs for me, but at the end of the day, he'd only done jobs 1, 3, 5, and 7.
- I just saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
- Are monsters good at math? No, unless you Count Dracula.
- My girlfriend is the square root of -100. She's a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
- If nothing is better than life, and if a ham sandwich is better than nothing, does that mean that a ham sandwich is worth dying for?
- Q: Why is a math book depressed? A: Because it has so many problems.
- An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
- Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? A: It's two gross.
- There was a statistician that drowned trying to cross a river... it was three feet deep, on average.
- How do you stay warm in an empty room? Go into the corner where it is always 90 degrees.
- There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
- Q: How do you know your math tutor is hungry? A: She'll work for pi.
- Q: How can you tell if a mathematician is extroverted? A: When he talks to you, he looks at YOUR shoes instead of his own.
- Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One: she gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that has already been solved.
- Q: What do you call dudes who love math? A: Algebros.
- A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house. Two people go into the house, and then three people come out. The physicist says, "The initial measurement was incorrect." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters that house, it will be empty."
- Q: Why did I divide sin by tan? A: Just cos.
- I just saw American Pi. I give it a 3.14.
- Q: Where's the only place you can buy 64 watermelons and nobody wonders why? A: In an elementary school math class.
- Q: What do you call an angle that is adorable? A: Acute angle.
- 60 out of 50 people have trouble with fractions.
- Q: Why do plants hate math? A: Because it gives them square roots.
- Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples? A: A middle school math problem!
- So Descartes goes into a bar for a drink. At closing time, the bartender asks him if he wants a refill. Descartes replies, "I think not," and disappears.
- Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7? A: Because 7 8 9!
- A circle is just a round straight line with a hole in the middle.
- But why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
- How far can you recite pi? A: Key lime, cherry, pumpkin....
- Q: Why is the obtuse triangle depressed? A: Because it is never right.
- Q: What do you call a half-twisted, one-sided nudie bar? A: A Mobius strip club.
- Q: Why did the 30-60-90 degree triangle marry the 45-45-90 degree triangle? A: Because they were right for each other.
- Q: Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging? A: Because they always knew X was 10.

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your X.

She's never coming back, and don't ask Y.

## Longer Math Jokes

A statistics professor is going through security at the airport when they discover a bomb in his carry-on. The TSA officer is livid. "I don't understand why you'd want to kill so many innocent people!" The professor laughs and explains that he never wanted to blow up the plane; in fact, he was trying to save them all. "So then why did you bring a bomb?!" The professor explains that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000, which is quite high if you think about it, and statistically relevant enough to prevent him from being able to fly stress-free. "So what does that have to do with you packing a bomb?" the TSA officer wants to know, so the professor explains. "You see, if there's 1/1000 probability of a bomb being on my plane, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. So if I bring a bomb, the chance there is another bomb is only 1/1000000, so we are all much safer."

There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant. The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers "1000" without hesitation, and they send him along. Next they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: "What is 500 + 500?" He bows and replies, "What would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

A physicist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are discussing whether it is better to have a husband or a boyfriend. The physicist says, “A boyfriend, because you still have freedom to experiment.” The mathematician says, “A husband. You have security." The computer scientist says, “Both. When I'm not with my husband, he assumes I'm with my boyfriend. And with my boyfriend, it's the other way around. So I can spend most of my time doing what I want, without anyone disturbing me."

## Questions & Answers

**© 2017 Jo Kenyon**

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